What would you have said?

I went to a downtown frame shop to frame some prints for my office. I work right in the heart of downtown, now, which is a HUGE shift from the rural ville of 3,000 or so folks where I worked for 9 years.

Making small talk with the framer about the destination of these prints, and my recent transition got him talking about working downtown too, and we went way beyond appreciating Portland's weirdness when he started going on about how aggressive the panhandlers are, and how soft Portland is on them. There had been an article in the city paper some weeks ago with the headline "Would Rudy Giuliani Put Up With This?" or something. He even went in the back room to get the paper, to show me how he thought the ostensibly homeless fellow in the cover photo even had an iPhone. To be fair, his issue was with people he thought were not in fact needy or homeless, but were merely affecting the lifestyle -- young people with ripped clothing and very expensive guitars.

Diane Eshin Rizzetto in her book Waking Up To What You Do, discusses the Precepts like a lighthouse. It doesn't tell you what to do or not do; it alerts you to dangerous waters. You are free to change course, or, if needed, proceed to shore with caution. It is there to remind you to Look! Listen! Pay attention!

So I've waded into this conversation, and I can see and hear the lighthouse image! Wonderful! Now what? Well, she advises us (during or after the interaction) to check our body sensations, emotions, and try to tease out the story that we are telling ourselves.

Body sensations - a little tension in the muscles, a little fidgety, eyes wandering more.

Emotions - a little anxious.

Thoughts - Wanting to connect with this guy, and also not wanting to denigrate a whole population of people in the process.

So now what? Change the subject? I am really terrible at that. I think I said some mild thing like 'Gosh, it's really something we have to work with all the time, huh. ' Not my finest hour, but also not playing into a conversation I probably would have felt worse about later.

What would you have said?

My husband is the frontrunner on this question: "Yeah, that iPhone probably made him homeless! AT&T and all their charges!"

Now I Atone For It All

It's a good thing I had a few days to reflect on this searching and fearless moral inventory. The workbook I used listed many open questions on each of the following topics:

Honesty, Love, Maturity, Sex, Fear, Anger, Self-Worth, Responsibilities, Finances, Gratitude, and more. Daunting, but so helpful!

So what comes of setting aside a few days to reflect on one's strengths and shortcomings? After a few days of writingwritingwriting on these subjects, it turns out there is a lot more right with me than there is wrong with me. This is no surprise -- to anyone who doesn't carry my driver's license. Actually going through the whole process was key to seeing this clearly. To be open to it all, positive, negative, neutral, and to remain in non-judgmental stance as much as possible. When we're afraid to look, the challenges can loom large -- like a monster in the closet. But opening the door and shining a flashlight reveals it was just a coat.

There weren't really any big surprises, just a wonderful opportunity to focus, and to begin moving more deeply into practicing with the Precepts. From here, I have decided to focus more on the Precepts pertaining to Right Speech.

One of the many great things about this retreat was that I got to create my own structure and container. Another great thing was that I actually worked with the Dharma books I brought (as opposed to hauling them around out of worry that I would lack something to do). Mostly I read and worked with Waking Up to What You Do, a wonderful book on applying the Precepts in our lives by Diane Eshin Rissetto. This book deserves a whole post of its own. One of the things I love about it is her re-ordering of the Precepts, and her use of language in the positive. For example, "I Take Up the Way of Speaking of Others With Openness and Possibility." "I Take Up the Way of Meeting Others on Equal Ground."

I also worked with No Time to Lose, A Timely Guide to the Way of the Bodhisattva by Pema Chodron,

and The Heart of Being by Daido Loori.

All of these focused to some degree or another on the Precepts, and I really enjoyed seeing the overlaps in the 12-Step process and the Precepts, since this is the first time I have done such a structured 4th Step (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves) since I started practicing Buddhism.

And of course, I'm not done; the 4th Step is followed by the 5th Step (Admitted to our Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs).

There is something spiritually universal or archetypal around this template of self-assessment, confession, atonement, and rededication. How wonderful that we do not have to reinvent the wheel of how to live a decent human life. It only occurred to me yesterday that this retreat happened to fall during Yom Kippur. I appreciate James Ford's post about Yom Kippur and the importance of ever-returning to such practices as atonement and rededication as an integral part of the path to peace.

Shantideva spends a lot of time doing what Pema Chodron calls "Preparing the Ground" for being a Bodhisattva. This includes atonement. She writes,

Rather than hiding our mistakes from ourselves and others, we forthrightly declare them. By acknowledging them to ourselves, we avoid self-deception. In certain circumstances we may also declare them to someone else, as witness to our wise intention.

To see clearly how we strengthen or weaken crippling patterns, we have to bring them to light... You may ask, "Isn't it enough to acknowledge my regrets to myself?" It does help a lot, but not enough to completely dissolve self-deception. When we express our regrets to the buddhas or another human being, we can't kid ourselves. As an act of self-compassion and self-respect, we use a witness to expose ourselves to ourselves...

The practice of confession... relies on the view that neurosis, while it may feel monolithic or immutable, is essentially transitory and insubstantial. It is just very strong energy that we mistakenly identify as a solid and permanent "me". Confessing, like making offerings and prostrations, helps us let go of this fixed version of who we are.

A friend in the 12 Steps said the 4th Step and 5th Steps are like flushing the toilet. What if you never did that at home, and instead chose to ignore or pretend there was no need? What if you flushed once and said, 'Whew! Glad that's overwith.' No, we have to deal with our "shit" on a daily basis. And being full of shit is not a problem unless we are not recognizing it and acting accordingly.

I admit to some resistance to the process, though, which I think is pretty natural. My resistance showed up in at least one amusing way. I had decided that Friday Morning After Breakfast would be when I would start writing. I brought my workbook and little tote bag of other books into the peace and quiet of the Lodge library, crawled into an overstuffed couch, and found myself not writing, but reading. Reading the first chapter of Eshin's book, which was on Honesty. Well the first workbook writing would be about Honesty, so I guessed a little preliminary reading was OK. And ahh, the geothermally supplied warmth of the radiators! The comfort of the sound of gently falling rain outside! Yep, I was instantly and completely overcome by a drooling NAP. Fell sound asleep whilst reading Waking Up to What You Do. It would have been a marvelous photo.

These aggressive naps overtook me throughout the process just prior to starting out another session of writing. And it's not like I'm tired. I have not been this well-rested and stably energetic in quite a while. No, these were psychological / emotional naps. And I didn't make a big deal about it, I would just wake up, mop the drool, and begin the next writing session perhaps even a little more refreshed and focused.

More on the Way of the Bodhisattva soon.

GOOOOOOOOOAL!!!

I'm doing it for my friend Stacey. Magnanimously laying aside my weekend to accompany her to the gorgeous retreat center of Breitenbush, while she experiences her first meditation retreat. What a friend I am, eh? She'll be participating in the Women's Vipassana Retreat with Julie Wester that I attended some years ago (and wrote about here), and ever since, each year, entreat my non-meditating women friends to go, go, go! Stacey is the first one who has taken me up on it.

I'll be there on personal retreat, so, holding my own container and schedule.

A day or two ago, in preparation, I glanced towards an old friend, The Woman's Retreat Book by Jennifer Louden. I say glanced, because I just read a chapter section title called "Intention." My thoughts went something like this: "Oh yeah, intention! She says this is the key to a retreat. So lemme formulate some intentions: I'm gonna do my 4th Step writing. I'm gonna soak first thing in the morning and I'm gonna do yoga every day before breakfast. Intentions! Set! Check! Done!"

Then I actually read this part of the book again. Um, turns out those were goals, not intentions.

She actually advises that an intention be stated in the form of a question (insert Jeopardy! joke here). For example: "For the next 24 hours I intend to be kind to myself." vs. "For the next 24 hours I intend to ask, 'How can I be kinder to myself?"

A statement can feel like a should. A question still articulates some longing, but continues to allow for not-knowing and discovery. Some rather important elements on retreat.

Louden goes on to say, "Intention is an aim that guides action. A goal, by contrast, is the purpose toward which an endeavor is directed. Intention is gentle and keeps you in the moment, focused on unfoldment. Goal is driven and keeps you in the future, focused on finishing, doing it all, doing it right... The word intention comes from the Latin root intendere, meaning "to stretch toward something."

Well that changes things.

I continue to have a goal to write my 4th step using the amazing AlAnon workbook on the subject. This is really about taking some time to look deeply at my strengths and weaknesses (this workbook makes sure not to leave out the strengths), and taking a non-judgmental stance towards this inventory. Perhaps it is an intention about clarity. "How can I see myself more clearly?"

And then from that, another question arises: "How are the Precepts being expressed in my life?" and "How can I express the Precepts more fully?"

I continue to have the goal for daily yoga, but perhaps that may be just about the simple act of stretching towards something. Or maybe even just stretching for stretching's sake. Y'know: Nothing to attain.

Animals Make Us Human

I have returned from Sesshin, and was so grateful to be there after the excruciating decision, and then going through the experience of euthanizing Hannah. I am not sure about going into depth, the heart part of this experience is still raw. I was able to sit with this, and absorb it all week. We are chanting for her every day, and we have her kennel out still, all her things inside with a little Buddha altar arranged on top.

It was as peaceful as it could be. Patrick held her when the first sedative shot was administered, and as Hannah became sedated, he said it felt like her body was "disgorging" so much fear. Her poor little life, carrying so much fear.

The veterinarian we worked with does in-home euthanasia as a full-time practice. She was very skilled, very kind, and gave us a lot of time to take care of Hannah, of ourselves, to chant, to send her with as much blessing and love as possible. It was so difficult.

And I keep wondering how we got here.

The veterinarian mentioned that she had been in this situation before, with another dog from the very same shelter -- adopted and sometime thereafter the realization that the amount of fear and aggression in the dog created a dangerous situation, untenable for the adopters, and one that if the dog is returned to the no-kill shelter, they will either have to 1) keep the dog in perpetuity or 2) try to rehome.

My mind does turn to these shelters now. This cycle was explained to me as a common situation, and not surprising to the behaviorist, who says most of her "customers" come from these shelters, and the adopters are not making informed decisions about taking in such sadly unbalanced dogs and what they require in order for their needs to be truly met.

I know that the people running these shelters have noble and good intentions. Their slogan, "Every dog deserves a second chance," is pretty unarguable. I would hope that every dog could have a home in which they can be safe and happy and healthy. But that is not the reality.

Of course there are many problems upstream: Puppy mills and other situations breeding animals for profit; their lives not cherished at all. And there are lots of folks working to change these problems at the source. But at some point, in this world of suffering, there are all these dear needy dogs who will require heroic measures to have some semblance of a life, and there really aren't many situations with such measures available. If they end up at a no-kill shelter, with limited space, then what?

I was able to do a lot of Metta practice for all the dogs in this situation. For all the misguided people breeding dogs irresponsibly. For all the animal shelter workers. For all the animal adopters. For all the people who touched Hannah's life.

May they be free from fear and anxiety.

May they be at ease.

May they be deeply happy.

Sword of Compassion

It seems like a long time ago that we adopted a cute yellow lab girl. I guess it wasn't that long ago. There was a gradual realization that her behaviors were seeming out of the range we are able to work with on our own. So we started seeking help -- to find out what we could do to make our home work for her, or learn what her needs actually were so someone else might meet them.

Along the way, we had a 3-hour evaluation by a certified behaviorist. Since that day, and upon receipt of her report, we have been in a lot of conversation and discernment. This behaviorist is very experienced, having worked in shelters in the past. She has seen quite a range of dogs and dog behavior problems, and helped many work through them to some degree or another.

She clearly recommends against re-homing. On ethical and safety grounds.

"Ethically, I can give two recommendations for Hannah: Keep her and work on the behavior issues, or humanely euthanize her. I do not believe she is a good candidate for rehoming. Occasionally, an adopter for a dog like this appears and if this were to occur in a timely fashion, I think Hannah is not too unsafe to give this option a try. However, in my experience, certain adopters have a tendency to fall for hard cases, and even full disclosure will not pierce their denial. It would be very easy for Hannah to end up in such a home, so very careful screening would be needed."

She gave us some specifics about the kinds of folks she has seen in her own years doing rescue and shelter work; these "certain adopters" who would knowingly adopt a dog like this. The key word is "knowingly." And it doesn't sound healthy for anybody.

She also talked at length about why Hannah would not benefit from a rescuer / trainer who uses the kinds of methods seen on TV shows these days. There is a danger that she could be trained out of certain behaviors, but the underlying fear and aggressiveness would remain, and a risk that she may escalate to more dangerous biting in a fearful situation with even less warning.

So we have watched our options dwindle. And it leaves us at euthanasia. I had a sense that fear-biting behavior in a dog of this size might lead us here, but I knew I needed to have many eyes on this situation to be sure. Here's how the behaviorist puts it:

"It is never easy or comfortable to contemplate taking the life of a dog, especially one like Hannah, who clearly would rather not have to even be in a position where she must behave dangerously. At the same time, Hannah is not a happy dog. She is most likely experiencing a feeling of anxiety most of the time she is awake, and possibly when asleep, too. The alternative, behavior modification, would make her life small for a long time. It would also make your life very small. You also would be anxious and afraid that she would hurt someone, or be hurt. If Hannah can be made happy, it will take a minimum of many months of hard work, perhaps years. Some families are better set up to accommodate a dog like this; they can let the dog have a space where she can live unmolested, they never need boarding, and they have something like kennel runs where she can be kept safe, and others safe from her, whenever needed. This is not your situation. There is also the moral question about whether a dog would choose such a life over a peaceful death. We are forced to make this choice for them.

"Although Hannah’s actual dangerous behavior is nowhere near as severe as some dogs I have seen in my time, she is clearly globally anxious and fearful and not having fun, period. I mentioned euthanasia as a possibility during our first visit and you have duly thought about the situation. If neither keeping Hannah nor rehoming is a rational option, then I think euthanasia is reasonable in this case. It truly would be an act of mercy.

"Most veterinarians are realistic and kind about the realities of the choices we sometimes have to make about dogs whose behavior makes them unable to live safely or comfortably with people. In my experience, a veterinarian is very unlikely to oppose a decision to euthanize Hannah given her obvious fearfulness and defensiveness. Your veterinarian knows that Hannah is prone to biting and will understand that at the very least, this creates a serious liability issue for you – not to mention many serious practical issues, and quality of life issues for both you two and for Hannah. If your decision is to euthanize and your veterinarian has any questions I can address in any way, I am happy to talk to him or her about my observations and assessment as well as my experiences in rescue, shelter work, etc..

"...I am sorry you two were placed in the positions of having to be the grownups after other supposed adults abdicated their basic responsibilities to society, to this dog, and to you. It is not fair."

So here we are. Endeavoring to offer her compassion in this form. In his book on the Precepts, The Heart of Being, Daido Roshi refers to an experience in which he accidentally hit a young raccoon with his car. It was badly injured and suffering a great deal. He said that in that moment, he was too squeamish to back over it and end its pain. He called this side of the First Precept the "sword of compassion."

We are orchestrating an in-home euthanasia, so that -- to whatever degree we can arrange -- Hannah is not dying in complete panic at a veterinary hospital. I have been learning all about this process, having spoken to several veterinarians (my retired dad included). The physically difficult part is -- safely and with as little panic as possible -- getting the veterinarian within injection range, so that a strong sedative can be administered. After that, there will be time when Hannah is essentially under general anesthesia for us to do some chanting, say goodbye, send her along with our strongest wish that she have a peaceful transition and a beneficial rebirth.

There is a way that this is clear in my heart. It is, and has been. Having grown up with a veterinarian dad, I have seen the place of euthanasia as a means of ending suffering. I never saw it used casually, or as a matter of convenience. The only time(s) I saw my dad cry was when he put our own dogs "to sleep". This clarity makes it no less excruciating.

Nevertheless, I have gone ahead and allowed a lot of doubt, and opened my heart wide to the pain in this. I have let myself comb over and over it, reaching out for the perspectives of other people, and looking at this as best I can through the lens of the Precepts.

The Precepts are alive. We don't get to sit at some fixed interpretation of them and stare down our noses at those we deem misguided. We also don't get to play with them like squishy silly-putty, shaping them into whatever justification for our own greed, anger, and ignorance. Well, I guess we can do that, and it might feel good or secure to do, but it does take the life right out of them.

So we are taking full responsibility, acting with an intention to relieve suffering. Tomorrow morning. Chozen Roshi recommended we have a photo of Hannah on our altar, and chant the Jizo Dharani for her every day for 49 days. You're welcome to join us if you like -- it takes us to August 9th.

And tomorrow afternoon I am going to the Lovingkindness Sesshin. Where I can sit intimately with this. My intention also is to cultivate lovingkindness to all the people who have ever touched this dog's life. I can never know their situations or intentions, but my mind wants to make up stories, and then get all angry and self-righteous. When I really have no idea, and there is, in fact, no separation between us-and-them. May we all be free.

Om ka ka kabi san ma e sowa ka

What is a Mistake?

The Fool archetype has been allowed to express a little more of herself in my life since I began Zen practice. Now a large part of my practice is "to make mistakes with gusto". This means to notice and to be present for that very moment of realization when it becomes clear that my operating assumptions were incorrect. Not in accord with what is.

I stopped trying to avoid looking at mistakes I had made, and started holding them with gentleness. I also stopped trying to avoid making mistakes at all costs. Sometimes I even celebrated them: "TA-DA!" And I found that moment -- realizing that what I thought was true is not in fact the case -- can be quite delicious and amusing. Or really painful. And then either way, just sitting with it.

Oh, poor dear Hannah. It has come to light that she has problems of such complexity and depth. And as she gets more comfortable here in a safe and stable environment, still more problems are revealed. She has apparently been quite shut down, which is normal. But now she is unraveling. And the behaviors she now exhibits point to only a few possible origins: 1) Very unusual genetic makeup, 2) Definite neglect and possible / likely abuse, 3) A combination of 1 and 2. It is actually staggering to imagine what someone would have to do to make a labrador afraid of people.

Can a mistake even exist in this moment? The Jomon of a month ago and her state of mind and her decisions are gone. The Jomon of today looks at a completely different set of circumstances. Where is the mistake?

The Jomon of today looks at those and these circumstances through the lenses of the Precepts, and with as much clarity and compassion that can be mustered. We are here in this situation. We are responsible for this girl now. And she's a lot.

After training her onto a chest harness and then a halti collar, we were able to walk the neighborhood with her. If we don't see any people, other dogs, buses, trucks, bikes, cats or strollers -- within about a half-block radius -- it's fine. She is deeply scared of everything, feels unable to flee, and so responds with powerful leash aggression.

Hannah has also now snapped at two vet techs, and yesterday bit Greta, the behavioral specialist, who we had come into our home to evaluate her. Greta pointed out that the bite was inhibited; did not break skin, but my gosh. The significance of this is so heavy on our hearts.

I see now that along the line, there has either been deep unconsciousness about this dog and her true needs, or out-and-out lying. Or both. She is not, in fact, "good with cats" as I had been told, or even "good with kids", which I was also told (and am frightened to imagine that she could have been adopted by a family with children).

I have in the past 4 weeks become quite current on the state of the art of dog training. I like to read and research when I am stressed or in crisis. We have been able to make progress in some areas. The behaviorist was hella impressed that I was able to get this deeply head-shy dog into a head harness and love it. But there are places in Hannah's heart and brain that are not amenable to training.

Hannah can meet new people in our backyard okay, but meeting them in the house, like she did with the behaviorist -- 3 hours, lots of cheese (even tripe!), and still deeply suspicious. Probably because she feels she has nowhere to escape. And she gives not much warning either. Not a lot of fear-looking backing away body language when strangers are in her "too much" zone. Instead of the loud aggressive-looking "GET AWAY FROM ME!" barking and lunging she does on walks, she is just very still, stiff, and tentative. And she's a yellow lab. So people don't expect it.

The behaviorist gave us a rather grim prognosis. This dog does not enjoy being around people (other than the two she now lives with). This dog does not enjoy being around other dogs; at least not on a leash, which is the primary mode of exercise we have to offer her. This dog does not enjoy encountering the things that being in the world would inevitably produce. The behaviorist suggested that a dog this fearful could exercise on an indoor treadmill. That and to take her swimming (but then there's the problem with her fear of the car).

We will soon have a detailed report, and pages of recommendations for the myriad of ways we would need to adjust our environment, and attempt to rewire her through training, which would take years, and even then, this dog will probably not ever be safe around children. Her care will require the use of muzzles at various points. Any one or even a few of her problems would be workable. But taken together, it is overwhelming.

Our lives would be about protecting this dog from the world, and protecting the world from this dog.

So we will be turning towards re-homing, but Hannah now comes with a detailed and honest report. The likelihood of finding someone willing to take this on is low, though there are people for whom this is their mission -- to maintain the lives of all dogs at all costs -- Lab rescue organizations, etc. We will try to find these people for her; not dump her on a shelter that might try to re-home her, sending her off to someone else with a paragraph description of who they wish she was, or hope she could be. We are looking at comfort measures in the meantime.

So sitting with the shame of this. Maybe it's more like sorrow. Because we didn't create this. But we have inherited it as a result of some naivete on my part, and a series of others' misguided deeds. We can only do our best to make sure this poor, suffering dog does not harm anyone, and is as comfortable as she can be, as we take the best information we could get, and try to see it with as much clarity as possible, through the lenses of the Precepts and our vows.

What is a mistake?

Life Vows Sesshin III

Life Vows Sesshin is a bit unusual in that one of the two-hour meditation periods in the day consists of a meeting with a small "Wisdom Cohort", the format of which is inspired by the Quaker Clearness Committee. There are four people per group, and each person has a half hour to speak from their hearts about a given topic. The rest of the group is in Zazen and deep listening. No advice-giving; only open-ended questions, which are defined as questions you do not know the answer to.

Each day, we are given topics. The first day, we reflected on our history. We were to speak about the most positive and negative events of our lives, and what our gifts and strengths are, which for the most part, seem to have come directly from those difficulties.

The next day, we spoke about past vows we have made -- positive, negative, mindless vows (I will never be cold again in this lifetime!), reactive vows, great vows.

Reactive vows may not be something we are even conscious of, but sound something like this: "I will NEVER be like ___." I have a small reactive vow to immediately throw away pens that do not work. In my family of origin, we had a huge plastic gallon ice cream container full of pens, and the broken or dried-up ones would get put back in the bin over and over. I also have some reactive vows to being on time and such.

Day 3 we spoke about obstacles, resistance, fears, inadequacies and doubts. Things that get in the way of manifesting our vows, or even making them. Making vows is scary, especially for those of us afflicted by FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out. Also known in the Debtors Anonymous world as experience greed. Making a Vow means you are choosing this and not that.

By Day 4, Hogen Roshi let us know that not only did this Sesshin consist of talking, but also crafts. We would get to paint our vows on rocks.

One of Hogen Roshi's vows is to manifest the Stupa of Wholesome Vows. It is / will be a series of large cement rings, into which vows -- symbolized by these rocks -- will be placed. As they get stacked on top of each other, the foundational ring will fill up, and a second ring will be placed on top of that. And so on. He estimates it could rise 16-20 feet in the air.

On Day 4 we spoke about people we admire. What is it about them we admire? And if time and current limitations did not apply, what would be the biggest goal we might aspire to.

I spent nearly my whole 30 minutes going on and on about Marsha Linehan. She is the person who created DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a mental health treatment that was originally designed for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been in the mental health field long enough to have seen how people with BPD were treated before and after DBT, and I can tell you that Marsha Linehan has relieved suffering on a grand scale. She effectively merged Zen and Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. Compassion (called "validation") is a good half of the equation in DBT. I really could go on and on here. Someone in my group had to just stop me by saying, "So you admire her a lot." Yeah, I do.

I would also add Jon-Kabat-Zinn, who was the first to bring meditation and yoga into the fields of science, and with his background in research, was able to bring this into the medical mainstream. It was woo-woo before. Now it's a standard recommendation for all manner of health concerns. Again, relief of suffering on a grand, unimaginable scale.

Both of these luminaries have their own decades-long spiritual practice from which to draw. It is amazing what can come of deep practice like this.

So we got word that we needed to pick out a rock or rocks from a couple designated piles (not the landscaping rocks, please). These rocks had been dug up from what had previously been blackberry fields. Those of us on blackberry work practice (yes, I got it again) were instructed to dig the blackberry crowns up at the roots, and also remove any rocks from the field, smoothing out the pocked ground as we went.

I knew of just the perfect Great Vow rock. I had unearthed it myself a couple days prior. It clanked on my pickaxe and was shockingly large -- probably 20 pounds. A stone, really. I had to carry it up a hill to the little cairn that was one of the rock piles on offer. I also knew of the vows that would go on it.

The Precepts. I recited the Precepts as I carried it to the hose, and lugged it into the drying area. It's not that I feel the Precepts weigh me down. Living in accord with the Precepts to the best of my ability is simply, undoubtedly changing the course of my life. Here is a way to live.

Ajahn Amaro spoke about them like the "wake-up bumps" on the sides of the highway. They are the warning that you are veering off course.

The Precepts I feel closest to are the ones I have historically been furthest from. The ones I have learned the hard way. The ones I have seen for myself. This has happened enough times to me that I have faith that this is a sane way to live. Every time I witness a Jukai ceremony, it feels like I am taking the Precepts for the first time. Choosing this rock, carrying it, painting it, writing out the Precepts on it. It was like taking Jukai again.

On the final day, we got to share any vows that had come from this week with our Wisdom Cohort. At the end of the retreat, when the Monastery was opened up to the regular Sunday service, the Stupa of Wholesome Vows was consecrated. After a Jukai ceremony, we all processed to the Stupa, chanting the Jizo Shingon, rocks in hand. We placed our rocks, our vows, in the first ring. We chanted Shantideva's Way of the Bodhisattva, and then adjourned to lunch.

What a blessing in the world. How can the effects of such a powerhouse of beneficence ever be measured?

Life Vows Sesshin II

At Life Vows Sesshin last year, I was finally able to articulate some vows after two years of nothing, or maybe just a little trickle of a poem coming out. In fact, last year, for whatever reason, they just poured out nearly fully-formed and required very little fussing. My organize-y self loves the fact that there is a bit of a preamble, and then vows arranged under the Three Treasures, with subcategories that speak to how the vows may actually manifest in the world:

JOMON’S VOWS

To be a grateful and generous servant.

To be motivated by wisdom and compassion.

To be fearless and wholehearted in all that I do.

To appreciate this life with constant awareness, openness and wonder.

BUDDHA

TO HAVE FAITH IN THE WISDOM OF THIS BUDDHA BODY TO CUT THROUGH THE CONFUSION OF THOUGHTS AND WORDS

• To appreciate and take loving care of this body, nourishing it with optimal water, food, rest exercise, and nature.
• To discern the Truth about what is alive in this body, taking a moment to pause before taking on agreements and activity. Giving only what is truly mine to give; maintaining balance, concentration, and potency by saying no.

DHARMA

TO ALWAYS RETURN TO PRACTICE. TO ALWAYS SEEK THE TRUTH.

TO FULLY REALIZE THERE IS NOTHING TO ATTAIN.

• To prioritize and intensify my practice, deepening in both wisdom and compassion.
• To weave Dharma in all that I do, shifting the focus of my work to share with others any insights I may have in order to relieve suffering.

SANGHA

TO OFFER LIGHT ONTO THE PATH. TO BE A WELCOMING REFUGE.

TO TEND THE HEARTH FOR THOSE WHO SEEK SANGHA.

• To cultivate a healthy marriage in which Bansho and I can continue to walk the Path of Awakening together, with love, enjoyment, and respect.
• To found Heart of Wisdom Zen Temple, rooting Dharma as deeply as the Earth itself.

I typed them out and shrank them down onto cards, along with the 16 Bodhisattva Precepts, and laminated them. I have been carrying a card in my wallet, and a card in my Rakusu holder all year. It would be ideal for me to practice reviewing them each day, but that did not happen in 2009. There were times this year that I would look at them and think, "Who the heck made these crazy vows?" It was the clear bright mind, I guess, because now, after a week of Sesshin, looking at them again, not much is changing. Some additions. I will share about those later.

I am feeling a little nervous about just putting them out there.

What are some of your vows?

The Ninth Precept

I was catching up with one of my Dharma Sisters' blogs, A Yogini in PDX-Land, and she had a very interesting post about the Ninth Precept, "Not to unleash anger, but to seek its source."

I appreciated this post. I seldom have that full-on rage either, but it is indeed the more subtle "frustration" I can acknowledge. I also find that women tend to use that word a lot: "Frustration." I sometimes like to respond by saying "...also known as anger..."

Generally, males have no problem expressing anger -- in fact, this often is the problem. Males will sometimes express anger when they are hurt or frightened. Whereas there are words -- lots of them -- for women who express anger.

I suppose I could make this into a problem. I could have a problem with this precept for that reason. But it is the second part of it that assuages that tendency: Seek its source. I am all for all of us doing that -- males and females.

Going Deeper

So speaking of frustration, I found myself very deeply in "Complaining Mind" at the last sesshin. Complaining Mind is a close relative of Judging Mind -- maybe even its offspring.

Judging Mind

It was a strange departure from the usual dance I do with the Inner Critic at every single sesshin. I found that using the same kinds of Voice Dialogue techniques that I use to work with the Inner Critic also worked well with the Complaining Mind.

I gave Ms. Complaining Mind a "Suggestion Box."

This was a hilarious way to let off some of the steam of not having everything exactly the way I wanted it to be:

"Dear Monastery Management, Please address this ongoing problem of so-and-so who is chanting too loudly and out of time with everyone else. I find it horribly distracting. Sincerely, Complaining Mind"

"Dear Monastery Management, The morning wake-up bell MUST be replaced. A softer and more pleasant tone would be far more appropriate. I look forward to your prompt attention to this crucial matter. Sincerely, Complaining Mind"

"Dear Monastery Management, I find that the coffee has absolutely no effect on my level of alertness in the mornings. Is it decaf? Please obtain a stronger brew immediately. Sincerely, Complaining Mind"

It was endless. But the Complaining Mind seemed to fall for it every single time! There would be a complaint bubbling up and taking form then ruminating and connecting with emotion, so I would find a nurturing voice inside to encourage C.M. to write it all down and put it in the Suggestion Box. She would very dutifully and sincerely do it -- every time! The box filled up. I began to envision the box having an "air-lock" in the back of it, as in Battlestar Galactica: "Put 'em out the air-lock!" and the people would open the back door of the spaceship and a Cylon or trash, or whatever would be sucked out into space -- into the emptiness.

I would "read" the huge list of suggestions, and imagine what the retreat would have been like if all of these had been implemented. I suspect it would look something like the life of an Emperor of China back in the day. Or maybe the later life of Elvis or some other super-famous person. Isn't there a fable about a person who gets everything they want... and they're still miserable? And then they go off and become enlightened...

For me, seeking the source of frustration takes me right back to the First Noble Truth: There is suffering. Or friction. Or stress. Or irritation. Or whatever you want to call it. Getting what you don't want, losing what you do what, and not getting what you want -- there it is. Suffering. When I cease my reacting to these complainy things, and just watch them, just feel them, look at them deeply and then see what happens -- they fade away, or they seem ridiculous, or what I am finding now is that I do not remember them! Seriously! I am trying to write this blog post, and I can't even remember what most of the hundreds of complaints even were.