Taking Refuge in the Sangha Part II

The ways Sesshin has touched me continue to unfold. I notice a significant amount of anxiety dissolved (at least for now). I also notice myself allowing the Sangha to be my "supreme support". Which came first? I don't know.

I rode to Sesshin thinking about the work practice and service positions I was sure I did NOT want. Which is hilarious, because it sometimes seems like an unusual superpower of the monastery to psychically detect these kinds of aversions and then stick you with them. This week was no different. I was assigned to be the "H.O.T." or Head of Tea for the week. The H.O.T. is in charge of each evening's formal tea service that occurs right before bed, or yaza*, depending upon your individual preference.

Ceremonial Tea
Originally uploaded by Hyougushi

Formal tea is a lovely way to transition to nighttime on retreat. We keep a little cup and plate by our cushion, and bring it out for the ceremony. Then four tea servers go through the rows with trays of cookies, trying to make sure those with special needs get their special cookies, then they go through again and fill the teacups one by one. All of these interactions are punctuated by bows at the waist before and after. It's lovely, but can be a little nerve-racking for the servers, maneuvering trays and teapots with bows and getting up and down from one knee to serve, and try to do it with some grace and formality.

Even the Buddha gets served a cookie.

The H.O.T. is in charge of making sure the four tea servers have what they need to serve the people in the Zendo their tea and cookie. The H.O.T. has to leave the Zendo at the beginning of the second-to-last sitting period, during kinhin (walking meditation) to start the water boiling in the kitchen, then return to the Zendo, only to leave again at the "wiggle bell" which indicates the start of the very last period of the evening to go and make the tea, fill the kettles, and bring all of it on a cart -- the kettles and cookie trays-- to the hallway outside the Zendo. The cart may squeak or the kettles may rattle a little, and let me tell you, when you've been meditating all day long, you are seriously listening for that cart at the end of the night.

I have been a tea server, but never the H.O.T. One of the residents was assigned as a tea server, and he was able to help me get a sense of what the preparations entailed, and help the servers get ready, instructing them in bows, and the order of things.

Zen Clown
Originally uploaded by AlongtheTrailPhoto

I have mentioned before that Sesshin is a lot like the movie Groundhog Day. It is the same schedule every day, so if you mess up somewhere, don't worry: You'll have a chance to do it all over again tomorrow. In this way, I tend to have a sense of being refined through the week.

So somewhere in the middle of the week, we had an odd period towards the end of the night. I had started the water boiling in the kitchen, and returned, sitting in a very lethargic and dreamy way, struggling mightily with drowsiness. Chozen then suggested we lie down and do Mu chanting**. So we did. And I was so relieved. My body and mind were so tired, and I love Mu chanting.

So there I am, Mu-ing my heart out, then the period is over, and I am off to make the tea. Then I notice my servers alongside me going towards the kitchen.

pure of heart
Originally uploaded by blishlet

"What are you doing here?" I whispered.

"It's formal tea."

"DT didn't say 'Formal tea,' did he?"

"Yeah. 'Formal tea'."

Oh, no. I had mu'ed through the last period, when I should have been making tea and delivering the cart to the hallway! We are supposed to be serving right now!

I would love to say that this was a time when I responded with the equanimity and the fruit of practice. Not quite. I was actually a bit panicky: As Head of Tea, I actually forgot to make the tea. We at least had boiling water, and thank goodness I had already arranged the cookies on the trays. One of my tea servers, Mia, cut right through it all and said, "Let's just make tea!" So we did. We made some weak tea on the stove, poured it into the kettles, and all four of my servers very quickly delivered some part of it to the hallway.

We arrived in time to hear Chozen telling the assembly one of her best reminders: "There is no waiting in Zen." I was later told that when she realized what was going on, and we were in the kitchen, she instructed the Zendo to send all of us Metta; that we might be free from anxiety.

And I think to some degree it was effective. Time was, this would have taken me out. I would have cried, and had difficulty recovering. Instead, I sheepishly served Buddha his cookie, the tea was served through the Zendo, and the humor of the situation was actually not lost on me.

The Sacred Fool strikes again.

Kwan-yin
Originally uploaded by Lonefay

To my credit, I found out later that the wiggle bell had not actually been rung, so I didn't have my usual cue. But the point, really, was that in that silly situation of tripping up and falling down, I was caught and held in at least eight of the thousand arms of Avalokiteshvara as embodied by my tea servers, and the rest of the arms of the sesshin participants, for whom this situation certainly did not loom as large as it did for me. The Sangha was, of course, understanding, mildly bemused, patient, and sweet.

"Yaza" just means late night sitting. It's completely optional. But many people find that there is a lot of energy available at Sesshin, and a need for a lot less sleep than before. The first time I experienced that, I actually wondered if I was having a manic episode. Even though I am not a person with bipolar disorder. Because I am usually such an early-to-bed girl, and I usually really need my eight hours. To have been up at 3:50am for a few mornings, a busy day all day every day, bedtime at about 9:30pm if not later, and then finding myself sitting in bed staring at ceiling tiles, humming with energy and just feeling the sheer lightness of being??? Well that was new. I like to say that in the world we are battery-operated, and at Sesshin we run down our charge, then plug into the wall. It's just a larger, more stable energy source. Chozen says when we are finding it hard to sleep at Sesshin like that, we should just get up and sit. That's "yaza".

**"Mu chanting" is what it sounds like. If you've ever been to a yoga class, it's like when everybody sounds the syllable "om." The whole room engages in this toning exercise for quite some time, and collectively creates an amazing sound. It is helpful with getting good, deep breath, and very energizing. Mu means "nothing" and is central to a famous Zen koan.

Taking Refuge in the Sangha Part I

My intention has been to be motivated by love and not fear.

I don't know for sure, but I suspect that Zen practice is slowly dissolving the anxiety that has been the glue holding my life together. I have called upon the Sacred Fool archetype to help me relax into this life, take things a bit less seriously. To open to play and love and this moment. I am trying to juggle, and naturally 'dropping the ball' quite a lot lately.

Now, even though I was the one who invited the Sacred Fool into my life to help me cultivate this fearlessness, he/she has plopped down and decided to stay a while. I guess I am not sure what I thought it would be like, but I have forgotten, or missed, or rescheduled quite a few events and responsibilities of late. I have been feeling... "spacey". And that's not a common experience for me. Me, who likes to have as much of her shit together as possible, Miss Five-Minutes-Early-for Everything... well, it's not so fun sometimes.

Slight tangent:

I especially felt spacey after I went to an intensive hip-opening yoga workshop a few weeks ago. Which was weird. I have in the past felt angry the day after some hip-opening poses. At least that made sense to me; that it is likely where anger goes when it gets stuffed down. So I had to check the papers that the teacher gave us to take home after the workshop. One was a list of emotional reactions we might have during or after the workshop. And sure enough, spacey was the last one. Weird. I can't figure that one out. It's just so not how my ego cares to define itself. Hip-openers are supposed to be all grounding, right? First Chakra energy and all that. Did I happen to mention I've had chronic tailbone pain for about a year? First Chakra indeed. More on that in a future post.
Anyway, the spaciness hadn't reached the point of a discernible pattern, though. Or at least nothing major had been dropped until right before Sesshin, I got a call from a very dear Dharma-sister, who wondered why my letter of recommendation for her scholarship application had not been submitted in time for the deadline, and therefore her entire application for the scholarship would be thrown out.

It was like a sharp and aching pain, a heaviness and a burning that I could only just hold and accept responsibility for and write the letter and submit it anyway pleading with the people for leniency in their policy, which I knew they could not change, and continue to hold the feelings even though it made my body want to writhe around on the floor.

Then a few hours later, I went to her birthday party.

I think this qualifies as exposure therapy. I did not want to go. I did not feel worthy of going. But the relationship is very important to me, so I went (we talked about it on the phone prior, and she did say I still should come), and it was ok. Then we drove up to Sesshin together. We talked about it a little on the way, I was able to talk about how I truly thought the deadline was Wednesday not Saturday, the truth of my intentions, and how mistakes can have small or large consequences. We agreed it was just hard, that we both really care about each other, and there were still some feelings of disappointment, anger, regret, etc, along with the love and everything else. And then we were seated right next to each other in the Zendo for the whole retreat. And we also dormed together. In silence. All week.
Zen is not about avoidance.

Every morning the day begins with the 3:50 am wake up bell, and then we are in the Zendo by 4:30 am joining each other in brisk walking meditation. Then, from the Korean Zen tradition, we do 36 bows -- full body prostrations -- to the Bodhisattva of Compassion, very loudly saying "Kwanzeon Bo Sa!" at each bow.
This very physical act works up heat enough to keep me warm in a chilly Zendo for about two sitting periods before I need a blanket or anything. It is invigorating and enlivening, and I treasure this practice, having experienced previous Sesshin without it, in which I would totter into the Zendo and immediately begin to sit melting into the cushion, still in the night's dreams and certain there's been a big mistake: We were all really supposed to be back in bed.

On the first morning, Chozen suggested we use the bows as an opportunity to express atonement for things we may have done to inadvertently harm someone. I felt like just turning myself 90 degrees to do my bows, because there she was, that someone. I was very grateful for the opportunity to at least be able to do something. And so I made an offering of 108 bows. That felt right. Because I knew it would be overkill to dwell on it for the whole retreat.
The Sesshin was about Metta, or LovingKindness.
And the first days we spent focusing Metta only on ourselves.

May I be free from fear and anxiety.
May I be at ease.
May I be happy.

Perfect. Because my Inner Critic would have loved to take this error and bludgeon me with it for the rest of my life. In the container of retreat, and an intense field of Metta, I was able to examine that sacred middle ground between shaming and deflecting. Even on the drive to Sesshin, we talked about how humbling this has been, and how it opens up such compassion for all who make mistakes -- something I would tend not to like to look at in myself, and so how could I have much room for it in others?

It's one thing to talk about it, and yet another to really just sit with it.

My dear friend Rebecca wisely pointed out to me on the phone after retreat that mistakes allow us to experience love and connection and relationship with others that is not predicated on what we do, but just who we are. That we can forget people's birthday, and yep, they still love us anyway.

Mistakes plunge us into the pool with the rest of humanity.

Mistakes allow us to let others help us and offer compassion to us.

The Sacred Fool loves mistakes.

Sesshin

I just returned from the LovingKindness Sesshin, led by Chozen.

Sesshin is a 6 Day intensive meditation retreat in the Zen tradition. The schedule usually includes about 8 hours a day of sitting meditation. It is completely silent. No talking, save for a Dharma talk each day by the teacher, and an opportuntiy to receive Sanzen, a brief face-to-face interview with the teacher to talk about what's going on for you on the cushion. Sesshin is powerful transformative technology, and we learned dozens of ways to practice LovingKindness, or Metta which I have come to characterize as "Buddhist power tools".
I have so much to share. I am not sure if I am up to articulating it just yet. I am looking forward to writing about it, but we will see how far I get today on Camp Laura Day. I think I am about to start some laundry and take a nap.

So for now, here is a poem I wrote last month for Hogen. I don't know anything. But right now I am pretty sure that Sesshin practice is crucial.


On the Occasion of My Teacher's 60th Birthday

My teacher has been sitting Zazen

for more years than I have been alive.

(Go to Sesshin)

How does one accumulate this

amount of practice?

(Go to Sesshin)

An entire life eventually

completely oriented to Dharma.
(Go to Sesshin)

Ironically, he spent his first Sesshin

hoping for some catastrophic respite.
(Go to Sesshin)
So I can feel his deep empathy

for my own struggles.

(Go to Sesshin)
He keeps pointing to something
really important.

(Go to Sesshin)

And I think he says it over and over, patiently,
every time, like the first time.

(Go to Sesshin)
I am so grateful, and want to take action

to honor his teachings in some way.
(Go to Sesshin)

He might encourage me to practice

and go to Sesshin.

Dialectical Sabbatical

As Sabbatical draws nearer, I am noticing a pronounced polarization happening inside:

• Active / Receptive
• Personal / Professional
• Growth / Rest
  

What I appreciate about dialectics is knowing that these seeming opposites can indeed be incorporated and transcended. I'm not quite there though.

I sense the Inner Critic is the source of my mild distress. I can tell, because it's got me coming and going. The Inner Critic will criticize 'A' and 'not-A'. Imagine a busy-body voice dripping with gotcha:

"I thought you were supposed to rest on this Sabbatical."
vs.
"Oh, so your Sabbatical is going to be one big vacation -- must be nice."

It's like driving with the gas and the brake on at the same time. Ironic that I am struggling so hard with stopping.

On one side, I have lots of goals. This is what enabled me to actually say yes to Sabbatical. I had to justify it to the inner workhorse. Prove to myself that it would entail lots of career development, and would indeed be very useful and very practical. So I have a big list and a spiel to talk about this side of the whole deal, and it sounds very clinical and academic and busy.

Then there's the other side. The side of personal and spiritual development. I started making a collage about Sabbatical, and it reflects this side -- lots of yoga, meditation, outdoor activity, retreats at the monastery, baths, gardening and cooking. Even all this is pretty busy too. And if Heart of Wisdom Zen Temple obtains a building of its own, well then I will be very busy.

I had a long conversation with Mushin -- she's a longtime member of our Sangha, a Dharma-Holder and a therapist, and has been an ongoing sounding-board of wisdom for my thoughts about how Zen practice is mingling with and now seems to be hijacking my career. We talked about doing nothing. This is a foreign concept. It feels like swimming against a mighty river of Protestant Work Ethic karma.

"Sitting quietly, doing nothing, Spring arrives and the grass grows by itself."

Mushin encouraged me to look at the existing Jewish traditions of observing the Sabbath. She suggested that even within my Sabbatical, I might designate a day every week to observe a Sabbath Day very formally. I love the idea of going right to the source of the word itself.

There are 39 categories of activity that are prohibited on Shabbat. These can be simplified into two broader categories: 1) Creative activity, and 2) Activity that changes one's environment. This has been very interesting reading, and the various levels of observance end up prohibiting different things. For the most part, they include these: Driving a car, using electricity, writing, washing, playing instruments, watching TV, sewing, cooking, etc.

Here is a list of encouraged activity:

• Spending Shabbat together with other Jews
• Attending synagogue
  
• Socializing with family and friends
• Hosting guests for Shabbat meals
• Singing special songs for the Shabbat meal
• Reading, studying and discussing Torah and commentary
• Sexual relations between husband and wife, particularly on Shabbat eve
  
• Taking Shabbat naps

I notice myself seeking permission for taking this Sabbatical. Even though I have already decided to do it. I can find it in other traditions, other cultures, other countries. This normalizes and justifies it to some degree. I found that in one article, 75% of the British workforce is considering a "Career Break." Yeah, they even have their own word for it. And that so many of them are considering it... well it's decidedly un-American.

The thing is, it really doesn't matter where else these kinds of things are practiced, or how important they are to others. The important thing is for me to continue to consult myself. I have been in deep discernment for a long time, and have tapped into a very still, quiet place that does not require statistics, ancient religious law, or even words. It's more like the truth of simply exhaling. Or the truth of the seasons. The truth of night. A natural pull towards what is true that I can trust if I am quiet and listen deeply.

Separate Ways

My sweetie and I were having an 80's video fest with the iPhone late into last night, and searched in vain for Journey's "Separate Ways" on YouTube.

He had not seen its spare, San Francisco warehouse setting, the sparer air-instrument-playing, and the strange camera-following, well, almost camera-stalking, the over-the-top emoting, and the pouty strutting 80's babe in white heels.

We supposed Journey's record company polices YouTube pretty thoroughly, because we couldn't find it on there, but we did find a whole lot of adaptations. These are quite affectionate send-ups of the video. Quite inexpensively done, too, I would imagine, as I reckon the original video cost very little as well.

I did find the original video on Google Video this morning.

Have a taste of it, or watch the whole thing before you feast upon the most wonderful version of this you will ever see:

Iowa

Finally, a bright spot for Civil Rights.

And here's the best part:

Foes of this ruling vow "to begin an amendment process. But that process, in Iowa, is a lengthy one — and unlike in California, the constitution can't be amended by a simple vote of the people. Both houses of the legislature must approve it, and most legal experts agree that the process could be put before voters no sooner than 2012." (see full article in Time magazine)

My sweetie, a politico by trade, says that in a case like this, where the public has gotten to just sit with this reality for a few years, might end up noticing that 'Hey! This did NOT in fact destroy my own marriage!' This is apparently similar to what happened in Massachusetts.

So cheers to Iowa, the Heartland, the unanimous Republican Supreme Court of Iowa for recognizing the Civil Rights and Humanness of us all.

(p.s. I am pretty sure not all the photos in this little video are from Iowa. At least one of them looks like Oregon. But hey. It's Dar.)