A Poem from Life Vows Sesshin

"Not Two"

Possibilities for a life fill the open sky
like a flock of swifts.
Each bird with a wing of wisdom, and a wing of compassion.
Now moving as one body, they vow,
concentrating themselves down
towards one point,
like a cyclone touching ground.

So, too, the geese
decisive in their direction,
forming the 'v' of vow.
Sticking their necks out
together they point the Way.
Chanting dharanis as they move their wings,
wisdom and compassion are not two things.

Life Vows Sesshin III

Life Vows Sesshin is a bit unusual in that one of the two-hour meditation periods in the day consists of a meeting with a small "Wisdom Cohort", the format of which is inspired by the Quaker Clearness Committee. There are four people per group, and each person has a half hour to speak from their hearts about a given topic. The rest of the group is in Zazen and deep listening. No advice-giving; only open-ended questions, which are defined as questions you do not know the answer to.

Each day, we are given topics. The first day, we reflected on our history. We were to speak about the most positive and negative events of our lives, and what our gifts and strengths are, which for the most part, seem to have come directly from those difficulties.

The next day, we spoke about past vows we have made -- positive, negative, mindless vows (I will never be cold again in this lifetime!), reactive vows, great vows.

Reactive vows may not be something we are even conscious of, but sound something like this: "I will NEVER be like ___." I have a small reactive vow to immediately throw away pens that do not work. In my family of origin, we had a huge plastic gallon ice cream container full of pens, and the broken or dried-up ones would get put back in the bin over and over. I also have some reactive vows to being on time and such.

Day 3 we spoke about obstacles, resistance, fears, inadequacies and doubts. Things that get in the way of manifesting our vows, or even making them. Making vows is scary, especially for those of us afflicted by FOMO, or Fear of Missing Out. Also known in the Debtors Anonymous world as experience greed. Making a Vow means you are choosing this and not that.

By Day 4, Hogen Roshi let us know that not only did this Sesshin consist of talking, but also crafts. We would get to paint our vows on rocks.

One of Hogen Roshi's vows is to manifest the Stupa of Wholesome Vows. It is / will be a series of large cement rings, into which vows -- symbolized by these rocks -- will be placed. As they get stacked on top of each other, the foundational ring will fill up, and a second ring will be placed on top of that. And so on. He estimates it could rise 16-20 feet in the air.

On Day 4 we spoke about people we admire. What is it about them we admire? And if time and current limitations did not apply, what would be the biggest goal we might aspire to.

I spent nearly my whole 30 minutes going on and on about Marsha Linehan. She is the person who created DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, a mental health treatment that was originally designed for people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I have been in the mental health field long enough to have seen how people with BPD were treated before and after DBT, and I can tell you that Marsha Linehan has relieved suffering on a grand scale. She effectively merged Zen and Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. Compassion (called "validation") is a good half of the equation in DBT. I really could go on and on here. Someone in my group had to just stop me by saying, "So you admire her a lot." Yeah, I do.

I would also add Jon-Kabat-Zinn, who was the first to bring meditation and yoga into the fields of science, and with his background in research, was able to bring this into the medical mainstream. It was woo-woo before. Now it's a standard recommendation for all manner of health concerns. Again, relief of suffering on a grand, unimaginable scale.

Both of these luminaries have their own decades-long spiritual practice from which to draw. It is amazing what can come of deep practice like this.

So we got word that we needed to pick out a rock or rocks from a couple designated piles (not the landscaping rocks, please). These rocks had been dug up from what had previously been blackberry fields. Those of us on blackberry work practice (yes, I got it again) were instructed to dig the blackberry crowns up at the roots, and also remove any rocks from the field, smoothing out the pocked ground as we went.

I knew of just the perfect Great Vow rock. I had unearthed it myself a couple days prior. It clanked on my pickaxe and was shockingly large -- probably 20 pounds. A stone, really. I had to carry it up a hill to the little cairn that was one of the rock piles on offer. I also knew of the vows that would go on it.

The Precepts. I recited the Precepts as I carried it to the hose, and lugged it into the drying area. It's not that I feel the Precepts weigh me down. Living in accord with the Precepts to the best of my ability is simply, undoubtedly changing the course of my life. Here is a way to live.

Ajahn Amaro spoke about them like the "wake-up bumps" on the sides of the highway. They are the warning that you are veering off course.

The Precepts I feel closest to are the ones I have historically been furthest from. The ones I have learned the hard way. The ones I have seen for myself. This has happened enough times to me that I have faith that this is a sane way to live. Every time I witness a Jukai ceremony, it feels like I am taking the Precepts for the first time. Choosing this rock, carrying it, painting it, writing out the Precepts on it. It was like taking Jukai again.

On the final day, we got to share any vows that had come from this week with our Wisdom Cohort. At the end of the retreat, when the Monastery was opened up to the regular Sunday service, the Stupa of Wholesome Vows was consecrated. After a Jukai ceremony, we all processed to the Stupa, chanting the Jizo Shingon, rocks in hand. We placed our rocks, our vows, in the first ring. We chanted Shantideva's Way of the Bodhisattva, and then adjourned to lunch.

What a blessing in the world. How can the effects of such a powerhouse of beneficence ever be measured?

Life Vows Sesshin II

At Life Vows Sesshin last year, I was finally able to articulate some vows after two years of nothing, or maybe just a little trickle of a poem coming out. In fact, last year, for whatever reason, they just poured out nearly fully-formed and required very little fussing. My organize-y self loves the fact that there is a bit of a preamble, and then vows arranged under the Three Treasures, with subcategories that speak to how the vows may actually manifest in the world:

JOMON’S VOWS

To be a grateful and generous servant.

To be motivated by wisdom and compassion.

To be fearless and wholehearted in all that I do.

To appreciate this life with constant awareness, openness and wonder.

BUDDHA

TO HAVE FAITH IN THE WISDOM OF THIS BUDDHA BODY TO CUT THROUGH THE CONFUSION OF THOUGHTS AND WORDS

• To appreciate and take loving care of this body, nourishing it with optimal water, food, rest exercise, and nature.
• To discern the Truth about what is alive in this body, taking a moment to pause before taking on agreements and activity. Giving only what is truly mine to give; maintaining balance, concentration, and potency by saying no.

DHARMA

TO ALWAYS RETURN TO PRACTICE. TO ALWAYS SEEK THE TRUTH.

TO FULLY REALIZE THERE IS NOTHING TO ATTAIN.

• To prioritize and intensify my practice, deepening in both wisdom and compassion.
• To weave Dharma in all that I do, shifting the focus of my work to share with others any insights I may have in order to relieve suffering.

SANGHA

TO OFFER LIGHT ONTO THE PATH. TO BE A WELCOMING REFUGE.

TO TEND THE HEARTH FOR THOSE WHO SEEK SANGHA.

• To cultivate a healthy marriage in which Bansho and I can continue to walk the Path of Awakening together, with love, enjoyment, and respect.
• To found Heart of Wisdom Zen Temple, rooting Dharma as deeply as the Earth itself.

I typed them out and shrank them down onto cards, along with the 16 Bodhisattva Precepts, and laminated them. I have been carrying a card in my wallet, and a card in my Rakusu holder all year. It would be ideal for me to practice reviewing them each day, but that did not happen in 2009. There were times this year that I would look at them and think, "Who the heck made these crazy vows?" It was the clear bright mind, I guess, because now, after a week of Sesshin, looking at them again, not much is changing. Some additions. I will share about those later.

I am feeling a little nervous about just putting them out there.

What are some of your vows?

Life Vows Sesshin I

It has taken a few years of focus and inquiry to articulate the vows that are guiding this life.

I have a heckova time doing that thing people sometimes call "life visioning". This was very popular in the New Thought church I attended for a time, and I was always pretty terrible at it. I wonder if that's not from my years in social work making treatment plans, with their focus on achievable, measurable goals and objectives. Or maybe I don't engage much in fantasy (definitely rumination and catastrophizing, but fantasy not so much). Anyway, when the New Thought life visioning exercises would ask me to "imagine your DREAM job, the most AMAZING life, the PERFECT life with EVERYTHING you want" I would tend to sputter and start mumbling into my shirt.

Which is fine. Vows that are bite-sized and realistic are no less important. And who wants to be a vow-breaker?

Chozen Roshi said in one of the few portions of video that exist of Maezumi Roshi, he is interviewed about whether Buddhists believe in a soul that endures through lifetimes. He apparently paused for a moment and said that it is not a soul, but the Vow that continues.

Shrine to the Ancestors at Great Vow Zen Monastery

What vow could I possibly make that would continue -- intentionally -- beyond this lifetime? Could I make a Great Vow?

Here is what came out of the 2008 Life Vows Sesshin. A vow/poem. First a smidgeon of background:

It may have been my second sesshin ever. At that time, the monastery was allowing some very limited use of a hot tub for women on the last night of Sesshin, men the last day. Its use was to be a sacred bathing process, and to include vigorous Japanese-inspired scrubbing in the shower prior to entering the tub, and three full prostrations to Kannon before and after bathing.

I recall going to bathe on the last night, and feeling the body's bows after bathing to be much like a wet noodle! All that tension from a week of Zazen just soaked right out! I recall the week being overcast and Portland drizzly every day, except that night, the skies cleared (just like my mind!), and I could see the stars when I walked outside with my head steaming from the hot bath.

I also recall thinking I would easily go to sleep afterwards, but instead I found myself lying vibrantly awake, not because of any sot of rumination or anxiety, although a small piece of my mind wondered if I was having a manic episode (despite the fact that I do not have bipolar disorder). I could almost hear a talk I downloaded in which Chozen Roshi describes this phenomenon of joriki, and when this happens at night and you can't sleep to: "Get up and SIT!"

So I did.

Also, on Thursday morning of the Sesshin there had been the monthly Jizo ceremony, in which they uncover a large golden Jizo statue, and he looks out lovingly over the Zendo for the remainder of the week. The poem refers to this as well.

Anyway, here is the poem/vow from that retreat:

I Am Not a Thing, But a Process

Bowing three times to Kwan Yin

Steeping in the waters of compassion

and the heat of practice.

Brewing the body and essence of Jomon

Accepting all that is.

Aspects of Life Vow emerge One by one, like stars in the night,

As I emerge to look, listen, and love.

I have only to name them and connect the constellations:

Practice, Truth, Gratitude, Service, Healing, Receptivity, Creativity,

Liberation.

My guides.

Orienting to Openness.

Returning to sit,

Gestating under the golden gaze

of Jizo Bodhisattva,

A warm, undefended heart.

I vow to relieve suffering.

The vow to relieve suffering seems to be the North Star vow. The one that I can be sure of. The one that shines the brightest, even when my mind is cloudy.

It took a whole 'nother year of practice and a whole 'nother Life Vows Sesshin to articulate the vows I currently live with. They got refined at this last week of sesshin, and there are even some additions.

More on that next post(s).

Trust

For this Sabbatical time, I had an aspiration to attend all the Sesshin; one each month. That has not quite happened, but it has been close. I am reminded of a metaphor that a pastor at a New Thought church I used to go to (yeah, that was an interesting chapter in the spiritual biography) would say about continuous practice. She likened spiritual practice to putting water on to boil. If you are always taking it off and putting it back on the heat, it will never reach that transformational degree of 212.

Hello Kitty rocks the mokugyo

I went to Sesshin in August, September, October and November. Going to that many Sesshin one after another has indeed felt intense, and I admit that missing Rohatsu felt... right.

I can easily error on the side of over-striving and even bullying myself. While certainly dedication and effort is needed, harshness is something extra.

Enough with the fear of slacking! It is not from reality. I jump out of the boiling water and into the fire: Where my meditation practice ends, my yoga practice has been picking up. I am beginning to taste the fruits of that practice, and more often than not, surprising myself with what this body is willing and able to do now. The mind has yet to catch up to the body in this respect. I can trust that everything is as it should be. Transformation is all the time. Geez!

So hi-ho, it's off to January Sesshin I go. The theme is Life Vows. It is one of Hogen Roshi's favorite themes, and is a little unusual in that we get to meet and actually talk within a small group each day to help us articulate and clarify our own Life Vows.

The best part of working with others on life vows, for me, was to see how people organized their vows. (I am a hard core 'J' on the Myers-Briggs if that hasn't already given it away). One woman traced her hand, and had this five-part vow category thing. There were lists, and memorable fun vows along with the serious ones.

I was able to organize mine into vows that related to the Three Treasures; Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha. And there is a sort of preamble at the beginning. I typed these out, shrank them way down, and laminated them, along with the Precepts on the other side, and carry them around in my wallet (My husband calls me "Dr. J" sometimes for my nearly comical organizational bent).

Anyway, I am going to Sesshin this week, for whatever reason, with whatever result. I had a conversation with someone who reminded me that the results of this Sabbatical will not be altogether (or even mostly) visible, and certainly not measurable. I can trust that everything is unfolding just fine, and that my job is just to keep showing up to this life, whether it's in a Zendo, yoga studio, or eyeballs falling out in front of a computer.

Wishing you all well this week!

Shoe-Sew

Sabbatical just got some structure: Meet the next Shuso, or Head of the Zendo for the downtown program on Thursday and Sunday nights for the next year!

Incoming and outgoing Shusos, Jomon and Rinsan.
Note the gladiolas sprouting from my shoulders -- an apparent side effect of the new role.

The ceremony was quite moving. For the outgoing Shuso, the tradition is to have what is called a Shuso Hosan. This is an opportunity for the Shuso to give a brief talk based on a koan or some aspect of Dharma, then to invite their understanding to be tested by each member of the community. It is a formal time, and includes many cool Zen accoutrements like officiating with a stick, sometimes yelling, or even getting up dancing. By the way, nice job "Singin' in the Rain," Rinsan. A tough act to follow.

Rinsan's Shuso Hosan

Rinsan spoke about the koan Bodhidharma's Vast Emptiness. The talk and questions inspired me to make another altered sardine tin shrine, this one of Bodhidharma in his cave:

Bodhidharma in his cave, an altered sardine tin shrine

The new Shuso installation ceremony is comparatively brief. Here are some of the words:

New Shuso (to Teacher): I realize that the opportunity to meet a teacher of the Dharma and to put the teachings into practice is rare. I ask to be allowed to study with you during this 2009/2010 training period. I vow to work with you to help encourage others to rest in the source of their own deep wisdom. I ask to do this by leading the Sangha through the example of my practice and dedication.
Teacher: This role is one which has been passed down from Buddha to Buddha, teacher to teacher, from me to you. May your practice be fruitful, your joy pure, and your bliss grow eternally. May your example help many people. Realize that it is not your small self which is important in entering this position - but that great light which is expressed through your life and all our lives. That light is what gives encouragement and guidance to all.

New Shuso (to community) : At the request of my teacher I have been asked to fulfill the role of Shuso for the next year. My wisdom and compassion are limited, my skill inadequate. I ask the Sangha to support and teach me how to express compassion and strength to help this community be healthy and strong so it may offer benefit to everyone who comes.
I meant every word. Especially the ones about limitations and inadequacies. This is a quite a visible role, and because of that, feels like a real stretch already. Not to mention how scary it is to think about sitting up there for a Shuso Hosan!!!

I've been feeling the weight of this role, and my dear Dharma friend Erika pointed out to me that I am creating some unnecessary difficulty with a fixed ideal concept of Shuso, rather than the reality of the process that is Shuso, that is everything. She is totally right.

Apaprently each Shuso brings their own unique flavor to the job, and to the Sangha. I know this will change me, too. I am most grateful for this honor and opportunity, and I do hope it will be of benefit to the Sangha as much as I am sure it will benefit me.

Orienteering

It has been a long period of discernment. It felt very uncomfortable. Like drifting for two years.
I had a sense that traveling to China might possibly help put the last piece into place, but I didn't know how. Since I have returned, I am sensing that it has fallen into place. The part in my blog description about being a social worker "on the verge of a change" is what I am talking about. I moved from drifting to gestating at some point, and now I think I am meeting my new intention.
Backstory:
In October 2006 I attended the Caregivers' Retreat at Great Vow Zen Monastery; a weekend of meditation, education, and support for folks who work, paid or unpaid, helping others. Chozen Bays, the Abbess, is also a pediatric physician, and a specialist in the field of child abuse. She knows a little something about burnout, or work the difficulty level I liken to staring at the sun.
Hey, if a Zen Master can burn out, maybe I'm not immune. In a place of safety, we caregivers were able to speak from our hearts about the impact of our work. On ourselves. And so it was there that I was able to look at the list of burnout symptoms, and start to admit, quietly to myself, that I might actually have a touch of this. This was, as we say in the mental health biz, "ego-dystonic," i.e thoughts & feelings that are not consistent with my self-perception.I've been a degreed social worker for 15 years. I've been volunteering in the field since age 15, starting with facilitating peer support groups in high school. There I go again, justifying myself...

Anyway, my feelings towards my job kept returning to the realm of... tired. I could sum it up by saying: "I love my work -- there's just so darn much of it," in a high-volume, high-need county mental health agency with high-intensity clients. And there's the long arc of my career. Where was it headed? Towards more of the same.

So I took Step One, and stepped down to 32 hours. A fabulous quote I once heard in a conversation about the benefits of letting go: "Everything I ever let go of had claw marks all over it." Curious that doing something so pleasant would be so difficult. Why? I began to explore fear; financial of course, but also this sense of identity I have cultivated from being a social worker for15 years. Also see previous blog entries on my recovery from workaholism and the Protestant Work Ethic. Sheesh! My friend Becca eased the transition though, when she christened my Mondays off as "Camp Laura Day." Nice.

A lot of my trepidation came / comes from the worry that if I let myself consider leaving the field of social work, then I might leave the field of social work! Then who would I even be? What would I do? This was not helped by a story told to me by a friend and colleague about his psychologist friend who, in a similar period of discernment, took 6 months off to wander. After 6 months, and no further clarity, he wandered for another 6 months. And discovered that he wanted to... open a pet store. He is now apparently deliriously happy selling reptiles. Okay, so that freaks me out. Not the reptile part; the QUITTING part.

So a year plus of Camp Laura Day, and I'm not cured. Even though I knew / know that this is "Divine Discomfort," the kind of persistent itch that is trying to lead to some spiritual growth, my doubting and frightened mind began to turn to a favorite piece of dialogue from the Drew Carey Show:

Drew's friend: "I'm just not fulfilled by my job."
Drew: "Oh yeah? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY. They meet at the bar."

We all have an Inner Critic. And mine started saying crap like this:

"There you go, being totally lazy. Who do you think you are to even dare considering taking all this time off, making a big change? You have a couple of degrees, a nice indoor job, seniority at your workplace. You just started getting good at this. Lots of people don't get to do meaningful work. And now you are thinking you want to what? See, you don't even know. That just proves you are totally misguided. Misguided and spoiled. 32 hours. Next it'll be 20 hours, then none. What about your retirement? You're going to take time off, and fall apart-- have some kind of existential crisis -- meanwhile the rest of the world is going to work every day. Must be nice."

So I attended the week-long sesshin (meditation retreat) at Great Vow Zen Monastery on Life Vows in January of 2008. Please click here and here to listen to two Dharma talks from this retreat by Abbot, Hogen Bays. They are about the importance of creating / finding space through meditation to make room for waiting, discernment, clarity, confidence, courage, action. (Feast your mind and heart on a complete menu of MP3 Dharma Talks from GVZM.)

The retreat helped clarify for me that I don't need to relinquish my healer archetype. It is a part of me. It's just that some of the other archetypes in my soul would like to have a little room to breathe and a little light shining on them, thank you very much.

Here is a poem that came from this retreat:

"I Am Not a Thing, But a Process"

Bowing three times to Kwan Yin
Steeping in the waters of compassion
and the heat of practice.
Brewing the body and essence of Jomon
Accepting all THAT is.

Aspects of Life Vow emerge
One by one, like stars in the night.
As I emerge to look, listen, and love.
I have only to name them and connect the
constellations:  North Star, Practice, Truth,
Gratitude, Service, Healing, Receptivity, Creativity,
Liberation.
My guides.
Orienting to Openness.

Returning to sit,
Gestating under the golden gaze
of Jizo Bodhisattva,
A warm, undefended heart,
I vow to relieve suffering. 

Okay, but still drifting. Not sure what sort of action this translates into. So I waited. And waited. And then I went to China. And traveled with a spectrum of people from Zen Masters to non-practitioners. And I met lots of Buddhists who didn't speak any English -- from religious rockstar Abbots of huge world-renowned temples, to lay practitioners, to citizen temple-visitors.
What I noticed was the impact of practice. The fruit of practice. The light of practice that emanates from people's eyes, is palpable in their body energy, and flows through their actions. This is available to all of us. It just has to be uncovered. And there is a path, a way to uncover ourselves. It's meditation.

Action:
So I've duct-taped my Inner Critic's mouth, and made some decisions. Well, that's not entirely true. I've taken my IC's opinions and views into consideration, and put them in perspective. It's hard to write my decisions down, even with my little blog's limited distribution list. Making a vow public is one way to strengthen and support a vow. I have talked with my boss at work. And I am doing the footwork to make this happen.

I will attend a sesshin once every other month to start, and my goal is to go every month (except August and / or when Patrick gets to go) in 2009.

• This starts in July, when I attend a 10-day training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction.
• Then a 10-day sesshin in September.
• Then a 7-day training in Voice Dialogue at the monastery in October.
• Then a sesshin in December.

It's like going back to school -- without having to go back to school (Thank God).

Whenever I return from a retreat, I know: Nothing is more important than this. This. Uncovering this moment. This life. This is all we have. This is all there is. And to cultivate the clarity, to settle the mind enough to even see what's important requires meditation -- in real time. Then the sky is clear, the North Star is visible, and I can begin to navigate this life.