Dialectical Sabbatical

As Sabbatical draws nearer, I am noticing a pronounced polarization happening inside:

• Active / Receptive
• Personal / Professional
• Growth / Rest
  

What I appreciate about dialectics is knowing that these seeming opposites can indeed be incorporated and transcended. I'm not quite there though.

I sense the Inner Critic is the source of my mild distress. I can tell, because it's got me coming and going. The Inner Critic will criticize 'A' and 'not-A'. Imagine a busy-body voice dripping with gotcha:

"I thought you were supposed to rest on this Sabbatical."
vs.
"Oh, so your Sabbatical is going to be one big vacation -- must be nice."

It's like driving with the gas and the brake on at the same time. Ironic that I am struggling so hard with stopping.

On one side, I have lots of goals. This is what enabled me to actually say yes to Sabbatical. I had to justify it to the inner workhorse. Prove to myself that it would entail lots of career development, and would indeed be very useful and very practical. So I have a big list and a spiel to talk about this side of the whole deal, and it sounds very clinical and academic and busy.

Then there's the other side. The side of personal and spiritual development. I started making a collage about Sabbatical, and it reflects this side -- lots of yoga, meditation, outdoor activity, retreats at the monastery, baths, gardening and cooking. Even all this is pretty busy too. And if Heart of Wisdom Zen Temple obtains a building of its own, well then I will be very busy.

I had a long conversation with Mushin -- she's a longtime member of our Sangha, a Dharma-Holder and a therapist, and has been an ongoing sounding-board of wisdom for my thoughts about how Zen practice is mingling with and now seems to be hijacking my career. We talked about doing nothing. This is a foreign concept. It feels like swimming against a mighty river of Protestant Work Ethic karma.

"Sitting quietly, doing nothing, Spring arrives and the grass grows by itself."

Mushin encouraged me to look at the existing Jewish traditions of observing the Sabbath. She suggested that even within my Sabbatical, I might designate a day every week to observe a Sabbath Day very formally. I love the idea of going right to the source of the word itself.

There are 39 categories of activity that are prohibited on Shabbat. These can be simplified into two broader categories: 1) Creative activity, and 2) Activity that changes one's environment. This has been very interesting reading, and the various levels of observance end up prohibiting different things. For the most part, they include these: Driving a car, using electricity, writing, washing, playing instruments, watching TV, sewing, cooking, etc.

Here is a list of encouraged activity:

• Spending Shabbat together with other Jews
• Attending synagogue
  
• Socializing with family and friends
• Hosting guests for Shabbat meals
• Singing special songs for the Shabbat meal
• Reading, studying and discussing Torah and commentary
• Sexual relations between husband and wife, particularly on Shabbat eve
  
• Taking Shabbat naps

I notice myself seeking permission for taking this Sabbatical. Even though I have already decided to do it. I can find it in other traditions, other cultures, other countries. This normalizes and justifies it to some degree. I found that in one article, 75% of the British workforce is considering a "Career Break." Yeah, they even have their own word for it. And that so many of them are considering it... well it's decidedly un-American.

The thing is, it really doesn't matter where else these kinds of things are practiced, or how important they are to others. The important thing is for me to continue to consult myself. I have been in deep discernment for a long time, and have tapped into a very still, quiet place that does not require statistics, ancient religious law, or even words. It's more like the truth of simply exhaling. Or the truth of the seasons. The truth of night. A natural pull towards what is true that I can trust if I am quiet and listen deeply.

Praise and Blame

Even as a solid rock is unshaken by the wind, so are the wise unshaken by praise and blame.

~Buddha

Praise and blame is one of my old sensitivities. Growing up, praise was the currency of life. Competing against my brother for what seemed to be a finite resource in an anxious family, I learned very well how winnow out praise, how to avoid or even deflect blame. As a child, I saw my brother suffer as he would often fall outside the lines of expectation, with sometimes harsh consequences, and I learned through him what not to do. Receiving praise at home and at school seemed to buy temporary respite from worry, anxiety, fear. Any blame would fall hard on me, and I would struggle mightily to get out of it, to recover this fragile sense of my goodness again.

It is also important to factor in the larger spiritual and cultural backdrop -- the Puritanical obsession with Heaven and Hell -- that looming sense of reward and punishment from on high which takes us out of the wisdom of our bodies and the reality of the present moment, and into some future to be feared or craved. A praise junkie was innocently, inadvertently created.
The construction of ego happens so early. I learned to pay close attention outside of myself to the sources of praise and blame, and carefully figure out just what it would take to extract them from my environment. Yet, even as I focused so hard on being "good" to earn praise and avoid blame -- by getting good grades, staying out of trouble, following the rules, etc., any feeling of reassurance from without could only be temporary. The pursuit of praise becomes an addiction.

When the source of peace is outside myself, I am destabilized and constantly trying to control that which is uncontrollable. "What does everybody think of me?" That tired refrain, that song stuck in my head, that habit of mind, putting its finger to the wind and being buffeted by the ever-changing opinions and views of others, usually as reported, amplified, exaggerated by my anxious and hypervigilant Inner Critic, and causing me to run around in circles, try to squeeze myself into an approved shape like a mass of play-doh, or just stop frozen in fear.

I am now looking very closely at the intentions behind all that I do. How much is based upon fear? Fear of blame, fear of loss of connection, fear of discomfort in any way, fear of the dissolution of this papier mache ego? How to be motivated by love and not fear?

First do no harm. I am learning to cultivate a life motivated by -- rooted in-- the ethics of the precepts. I continue to consult my own experience relative to the precepts, and finding skillfullness and right action being reinforced by this very body.

I am learning that an intention of love and a sense of my complete interconnectedness can be a source of fearlessness. When I engage in right action for right action's sake, and not for some external reward, my actions are less sticky, and I can let go of the outcome -- in this way, I can free all beings from this ego's sticky needs and agendas. Examining the intention behind everything, I can feel a world of difference, even in what may appear on the outside to be an identical action.
Intention is the bridge between thought and action. When I think / believe that I am a thing, distinct from all those "other" things outside of me me me, I think I am small, vulnerable, and my intentions coalesce around defending this small distinct jellybean I consider myself, and from that flow my actions. My life becomes one big commercial for the product of I, me, mine, trying to convince the world and my small self of the quality and worth of this product. That incorrect view naturally leads to those less than skillful intentions and actions, rooted in fear, and feels like a rollercoaster with ups and downs made of praise and blame.
Jizo Bodhisattva embodies a fearless love, rooted in the Earth itself. Still and solid as rock. In stillness my own compass points clearly (in stillness I find I actually have my own compass).

Thich Nhat Hanh enlarges the Paramita of Patience, calling it Inclusiveness, and encouraging us all to "make our heart(s) big." Big like the earth. "If your heart is small, one unjust word or act will make you suffer. But if your heart is large, if you have understanding and compassion, that word or deed will not have the power to make you suffer. You will be able to receive, embrace, and transform it in an instant. What counts here is your capacity."
The Buddha counseled his son Rahula in this way: "Develop a state of mind like the earth, Rahula. For on the earth, people throw clean and unclean things, dung and urine...and the earth is not troubled." All the elements are inclusive and untroubled in this way, absorbing and transforming everything without judgment. We are all composed of these same elements, and we all have this inherent capacity.

The Buddha also said, "Therefore, be ye lamps unto yourselves, be a refuge to yourselves. Hold fast to Truth as a lamp; hold fast to the truth as a refuge. Look not for a refuge in anyone beside yourselves. And those, who shall be a lamp unto themselves, shall betake themselves to no external refuge, but holding fast to the Truth as their lamp, and holding fast to the Truth as their refuge, they shall reach the topmost height."

The Ninth Precept

I was catching up with one of my Dharma Sisters' blogs, A Yogini in PDX-Land, and she had a very interesting post about the Ninth Precept, "Not to unleash anger, but to seek its source."

I appreciated this post. I seldom have that full-on rage either, but it is indeed the more subtle "frustration" I can acknowledge. I also find that women tend to use that word a lot: "Frustration." I sometimes like to respond by saying "...also known as anger..."

Generally, males have no problem expressing anger -- in fact, this often is the problem. Males will sometimes express anger when they are hurt or frightened. Whereas there are words -- lots of them -- for women who express anger.

I suppose I could make this into a problem. I could have a problem with this precept for that reason. But it is the second part of it that assuages that tendency: Seek its source. I am all for all of us doing that -- males and females.

Going Deeper

So speaking of frustration, I found myself very deeply in "Complaining Mind" at the last sesshin. Complaining Mind is a close relative of Judging Mind -- maybe even its offspring.

Judging Mind

It was a strange departure from the usual dance I do with the Inner Critic at every single sesshin. I found that using the same kinds of Voice Dialogue techniques that I use to work with the Inner Critic also worked well with the Complaining Mind.

I gave Ms. Complaining Mind a "Suggestion Box."

This was a hilarious way to let off some of the steam of not having everything exactly the way I wanted it to be:

"Dear Monastery Management, Please address this ongoing problem of so-and-so who is chanting too loudly and out of time with everyone else. I find it horribly distracting. Sincerely, Complaining Mind"

"Dear Monastery Management, The morning wake-up bell MUST be replaced. A softer and more pleasant tone would be far more appropriate. I look forward to your prompt attention to this crucial matter. Sincerely, Complaining Mind"

"Dear Monastery Management, I find that the coffee has absolutely no effect on my level of alertness in the mornings. Is it decaf? Please obtain a stronger brew immediately. Sincerely, Complaining Mind"

It was endless. But the Complaining Mind seemed to fall for it every single time! There would be a complaint bubbling up and taking form then ruminating and connecting with emotion, so I would find a nurturing voice inside to encourage C.M. to write it all down and put it in the Suggestion Box. She would very dutifully and sincerely do it -- every time! The box filled up. I began to envision the box having an "air-lock" in the back of it, as in Battlestar Galactica: "Put 'em out the air-lock!" and the people would open the back door of the spaceship and a Cylon or trash, or whatever would be sucked out into space -- into the emptiness.

I would "read" the huge list of suggestions, and imagine what the retreat would have been like if all of these had been implemented. I suspect it would look something like the life of an Emperor of China back in the day. Or maybe the later life of Elvis or some other super-famous person. Isn't there a fable about a person who gets everything they want... and they're still miserable? And then they go off and become enlightened...

For me, seeking the source of frustration takes me right back to the First Noble Truth: There is suffering. Or friction. Or stress. Or irritation. Or whatever you want to call it. Getting what you don't want, losing what you do what, and not getting what you want -- there it is. Suffering. When I cease my reacting to these complainy things, and just watch them, just feel them, look at them deeply and then see what happens -- they fade away, or they seem ridiculous, or what I am finding now is that I do not remember them! Seriously! I am trying to write this blog post, and I can't even remember what most of the hundreds of complaints even were.

Orienteering

It has been a long period of discernment. It felt very uncomfortable. Like drifting for two years.
I had a sense that traveling to China might possibly help put the last piece into place, but I didn't know how. Since I have returned, I am sensing that it has fallen into place. The part in my blog description about being a social worker "on the verge of a change" is what I am talking about. I moved from drifting to gestating at some point, and now I think I am meeting my new intention.
Backstory:
In October 2006 I attended the Caregivers' Retreat at Great Vow Zen Monastery; a weekend of meditation, education, and support for folks who work, paid or unpaid, helping others. Chozen Bays, the Abbess, is also a pediatric physician, and a specialist in the field of child abuse. She knows a little something about burnout, or work the difficulty level I liken to staring at the sun.
Hey, if a Zen Master can burn out, maybe I'm not immune. In a place of safety, we caregivers were able to speak from our hearts about the impact of our work. On ourselves. And so it was there that I was able to look at the list of burnout symptoms, and start to admit, quietly to myself, that I might actually have a touch of this. This was, as we say in the mental health biz, "ego-dystonic," i.e thoughts & feelings that are not consistent with my self-perception.I've been a degreed social worker for 15 years. I've been volunteering in the field since age 15, starting with facilitating peer support groups in high school. There I go again, justifying myself...

Anyway, my feelings towards my job kept returning to the realm of... tired. I could sum it up by saying: "I love my work -- there's just so darn much of it," in a high-volume, high-need county mental health agency with high-intensity clients. And there's the long arc of my career. Where was it headed? Towards more of the same.

So I took Step One, and stepped down to 32 hours. A fabulous quote I once heard in a conversation about the benefits of letting go: "Everything I ever let go of had claw marks all over it." Curious that doing something so pleasant would be so difficult. Why? I began to explore fear; financial of course, but also this sense of identity I have cultivated from being a social worker for15 years. Also see previous blog entries on my recovery from workaholism and the Protestant Work Ethic. Sheesh! My friend Becca eased the transition though, when she christened my Mondays off as "Camp Laura Day." Nice.

A lot of my trepidation came / comes from the worry that if I let myself consider leaving the field of social work, then I might leave the field of social work! Then who would I even be? What would I do? This was not helped by a story told to me by a friend and colleague about his psychologist friend who, in a similar period of discernment, took 6 months off to wander. After 6 months, and no further clarity, he wandered for another 6 months. And discovered that he wanted to... open a pet store. He is now apparently deliriously happy selling reptiles. Okay, so that freaks me out. Not the reptile part; the QUITTING part.

So a year plus of Camp Laura Day, and I'm not cured. Even though I knew / know that this is "Divine Discomfort," the kind of persistent itch that is trying to lead to some spiritual growth, my doubting and frightened mind began to turn to a favorite piece of dialogue from the Drew Carey Show:

Drew's friend: "I'm just not fulfilled by my job."
Drew: "Oh yeah? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY. They meet at the bar."

We all have an Inner Critic. And mine started saying crap like this:

"There you go, being totally lazy. Who do you think you are to even dare considering taking all this time off, making a big change? You have a couple of degrees, a nice indoor job, seniority at your workplace. You just started getting good at this. Lots of people don't get to do meaningful work. And now you are thinking you want to what? See, you don't even know. That just proves you are totally misguided. Misguided and spoiled. 32 hours. Next it'll be 20 hours, then none. What about your retirement? You're going to take time off, and fall apart-- have some kind of existential crisis -- meanwhile the rest of the world is going to work every day. Must be nice."

So I attended the week-long sesshin (meditation retreat) at Great Vow Zen Monastery on Life Vows in January of 2008. Please click here and here to listen to two Dharma talks from this retreat by Abbot, Hogen Bays. They are about the importance of creating / finding space through meditation to make room for waiting, discernment, clarity, confidence, courage, action. (Feast your mind and heart on a complete menu of MP3 Dharma Talks from GVZM.)

The retreat helped clarify for me that I don't need to relinquish my healer archetype. It is a part of me. It's just that some of the other archetypes in my soul would like to have a little room to breathe and a little light shining on them, thank you very much.

Here is a poem that came from this retreat:

"I Am Not a Thing, But a Process"

Bowing three times to Kwan Yin
Steeping in the waters of compassion
and the heat of practice.
Brewing the body and essence of Jomon
Accepting all THAT is.

Aspects of Life Vow emerge
One by one, like stars in the night.
As I emerge to look, listen, and love.
I have only to name them and connect the
constellations:  North Star, Practice, Truth,
Gratitude, Service, Healing, Receptivity, Creativity,
Liberation.
My guides.
Orienting to Openness.

Returning to sit,
Gestating under the golden gaze
of Jizo Bodhisattva,
A warm, undefended heart,
I vow to relieve suffering. 

Okay, but still drifting. Not sure what sort of action this translates into. So I waited. And waited. And then I went to China. And traveled with a spectrum of people from Zen Masters to non-practitioners. And I met lots of Buddhists who didn't speak any English -- from religious rockstar Abbots of huge world-renowned temples, to lay practitioners, to citizen temple-visitors.
What I noticed was the impact of practice. The fruit of practice. The light of practice that emanates from people's eyes, is palpable in their body energy, and flows through their actions. This is available to all of us. It just has to be uncovered. And there is a path, a way to uncover ourselves. It's meditation.

Action:
So I've duct-taped my Inner Critic's mouth, and made some decisions. Well, that's not entirely true. I've taken my IC's opinions and views into consideration, and put them in perspective. It's hard to write my decisions down, even with my little blog's limited distribution list. Making a vow public is one way to strengthen and support a vow. I have talked with my boss at work. And I am doing the footwork to make this happen.

I will attend a sesshin once every other month to start, and my goal is to go every month (except August and / or when Patrick gets to go) in 2009.

• This starts in July, when I attend a 10-day training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction.
• Then a 10-day sesshin in September.
• Then a 7-day training in Voice Dialogue at the monastery in October.
• Then a sesshin in December.

It's like going back to school -- without having to go back to school (Thank God).

Whenever I return from a retreat, I know: Nothing is more important than this. This. Uncovering this moment. This life. This is all we have. This is all there is. And to cultivate the clarity, to settle the mind enough to even see what's important requires meditation -- in real time. Then the sky is clear, the North Star is visible, and I can begin to navigate this life.