GOOOOOOOOOAL!!!

I'm doing it for my friend Stacey. Magnanimously laying aside my weekend to accompany her to the gorgeous retreat center of Breitenbush, while she experiences her first meditation retreat. What a friend I am, eh? She'll be participating in the Women's Vipassana Retreat with Julie Wester that I attended some years ago (and wrote about here), and ever since, each year, entreat my non-meditating women friends to go, go, go! Stacey is the first one who has taken me up on it.

I'll be there on personal retreat, so, holding my own container and schedule.

A day or two ago, in preparation, I glanced towards an old friend, The Woman's Retreat Book by Jennifer Louden. I say glanced, because I just read a chapter section title called "Intention." My thoughts went something like this: "Oh yeah, intention! She says this is the key to a retreat. So lemme formulate some intentions: I'm gonna do my 4th Step writing. I'm gonna soak first thing in the morning and I'm gonna do yoga every day before breakfast. Intentions! Set! Check! Done!"

Then I actually read this part of the book again. Um, turns out those were goals, not intentions.

She actually advises that an intention be stated in the form of a question (insert Jeopardy! joke here). For example: "For the next 24 hours I intend to be kind to myself." vs. "For the next 24 hours I intend to ask, 'How can I be kinder to myself?"

A statement can feel like a should. A question still articulates some longing, but continues to allow for not-knowing and discovery. Some rather important elements on retreat.

Louden goes on to say, "Intention is an aim that guides action. A goal, by contrast, is the purpose toward which an endeavor is directed. Intention is gentle and keeps you in the moment, focused on unfoldment. Goal is driven and keeps you in the future, focused on finishing, doing it all, doing it right... The word intention comes from the Latin root intendere, meaning "to stretch toward something."

Well that changes things.

I continue to have a goal to write my 4th step using the amazing AlAnon workbook on the subject. This is really about taking some time to look deeply at my strengths and weaknesses (this workbook makes sure not to leave out the strengths), and taking a non-judgmental stance towards this inventory. Perhaps it is an intention about clarity. "How can I see myself more clearly?"

And then from that, another question arises: "How are the Precepts being expressed in my life?" and "How can I express the Precepts more fully?"

I continue to have the goal for daily yoga, but perhaps that may be just about the simple act of stretching towards something. Or maybe even just stretching for stretching's sake. Y'know: Nothing to attain.

Where have I been?

I have returned from a fairly arduous journey to the Omega Institute in New York State, and then Worcester, Mass. All this to train in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction, or MBSR. This, as you may recall, has been a piece that is falling into place since I've been working on the puzzle of burnout and professional drifting.
It took three airplanes, a hotel for one night, and then a $90 taxi ride (which I thankfully got to share with someone) just to get to Omega. Some moments in the trip were quite stressful, as there were many transitions, and often, arrangements were to be made at the last minute, it was not clear how we might get from one place to another, etc. I decided that this was all part of the weeding-out process -- how badly do you want this training? I found myself thinking about Huike, the Second Chinese Ancestor of Zen, who stood in the snow outside Bodhidharma's cave for years waiting for instruction, then finally cut off his right arm. Bodhidharma only then agreed to give him the teachings. Okay, so it wasn't that bad! I was going to make a note of the difficulty on my comment card, when I realized that getting there was difficult for everybody. Oh. Nevermind. We got to participate in a 5-Day scrunching of a usual 8-week MBSR course. Then we moved to Worcester, and the UMass Medical Center the epicenter of MBSR, and home of the Center for Mindfulness, to discuss what we learned, and continue to incorporate the fundamental attitudes and philosophies into our bones.

There were people there from all over the country, and all over the world: Sweden, Norway, Germany, Switzerland, UK, France, Italy. It was a lot of fun to get to know these colleagues, and to spend such intimate time together. I think I will never forget serious Mattias from Norway, who, in a difficult-to-detect moment of levity, mentioned that in the CFM offices, he had found and sat in Jon Kabat-Zinn's chair, reporting in near-deadpan delivery and Norwegian accent, "And I think I am still high from it."
There were many lovely moments as well as plenty of irritations. Much like any retreat, much like any life. I enjoyed connecting with another Zennie and admitting that we had had it with all the talking and processing (a major component of MBSR and a very helpful way for beginners to begin to get a sense of practice) and just wanted to sit! We also decided that we would write our own book, called Mindful Bitchiness, and go on the retreat circuit, making millions. I still blame the hip-openers in the yoga portions of the retreat for releasing the bitchiness I apparently store in that part of my body. >:( grrrr

I have a lot of respect for Jon Kabat-Zinn, the originator of MBSR. He can easily be credited with bringing meditation into the medical mainstream. I'm glad somebody wants to actually do research. A portion of our training was about learning how the mind-body split happened (see Descartes), and the impact it has on us as individuals, patients, medical providers, etc.
The making of an MBSR teacher is a lengthy process, and that is as it should be. I have come out knowing a little better what I have and what I need to be a beginner MBSR instructor. I am so far doing all right with not imposing some time frame on myself, or having some particular idea of how this needs to happen, but rather letting it unfold, and choosing to take the steps I need in this gradual process -- to participate in a daily yoga and meditation practice, choosing to obtain support from going to yoga classes and meditation retreats, and now I have a mountain of supporting materials -- articles, meditation and yoga CDs to transcribe... and to gather a group of 6 or more friends / family / colleagues / hapless victims who will continue to show up for 2 1/2 hours a week and love me anyway as I practice my first 8-week course on them. eeek!
In moments of clarity, which tend to come from long silent retreats, I know deeply, physically that there is nothing more important than becoming aware of this life. It is something we all share, but that is so easy to forget. MBSR brings meditation and mindfulness to everyone. There is no spiritual language, no esoteric chanting, no shroud of the metaphysical, no intimidating rituals, no matching clothing, not even a charismatic leader! It's just moving through a few basic body practices, noticing our bodies and minds --without trying to change anything -- just noticing, accepting, or maybe not accepting, but noticing the not-accepting, and then noticing some more.

And from one my favorite (and only slightly esoteric) chants: "Moment after moment there is nothing but this."