"I Suck at Sitting!"

I enjoyed a recent guest post on The Reformed Buddhist. Kyle's fiancee Jody, who had not practiced meditation before, went to a sit at a Zen Center for the first time, and then wrote about it. It was a pleasure to hear her experience, and just so familiar as well: "I experienced that I suck at sitting" she said.

I felt such an instant affinity when I read her post. OMG me too! I had trouble finding the words to sufficiently normalize her experience. It inspired me to dig out an old journal of mine -- the one I happened to be writing in when I had my first meditation experience --a three-day weekend retreat.

It was at Breitenbush Hot Springs, a very well-run hippie resort here in Oregon. In the Fall, Julie Wester leads a women-only Vipassana-based retreat there every year (and once last Spring), which she has been doing for about thirty years. I had no idea who Julie Wester was. All I knew was that I decided I needed to learn to meditate. I was also really hitting the wall in a few areas in my personal life at the time. So me and all my baggage went on a meditation retreat.

This retreat is not your typical Buddhist meditation retreat. As Julie Wester said at the outset, (but I didn't apparently hear or believe), "There's a lot of permission here." You don't have to go to all the sessions. You don't have to go to any sessions. If you need to get up and move, you do. If you need to perform an interpretive dance in the middle of sitting meditation, go for it (nobody did, but there was explicit permission for that). There isn't even any work practice -- it's all taken care of, and all there is to do is sleep, eat gorgeous food, soak in the amazing natural hot springs, meditate, rinse, repeat.

Nevertheless, there is a schedule offered. It includes lots of sitting, walking, movement meditation, Dharma talks, small group discussion sessions with the teacher, and the option for 1:1 with a senior student if you like. It was more sitting than I had ever done in my life, which prior to that, was none. And the usual proscriptions against reading and writing were never brought up. So I was just journaling away the whole time, and even writing during the talks. It was all allowed. Now I read these words with such a deeply compassionate amusement for that nervous, pained woman, courageously riding the retreat roller-coaster for the first time, and coming off of the ride full of gratitude and so much more awake to life.

I share these excerpts in the spirit of normalizing and encouraging beginners on the Path. I especially want to point out the benefit I received from hearing the other women's stories during the retreat. How being able to share what our difficulties were, and what we brought to our meditation experience there really helped me know that the discomfort is normal, and there are teachers and spiritual friends along the way to help us through these difficulties. The sharing helped calm me, and keep me going.

I learned how to just sit with pain and difficulty. And joy and contentment. What a gift that is.

Evening of arrival:

I am hurting still. I am nervous about this meditation retreat, as I may just get to confront / lean into all this pain. The daily schedule looks a bit daunting. What should I bring? What should I wear? It seems like many of the women here are not first-timers to this workshop. I am.

After evening session:

Well it just wasn't too bad. "Breathe with whatever you bring here."

7am Full Day 1:

I'm nervous about my first full day, but I think I can do it. This is not the retreat for the ADHD. The silence is a relief. No more chit-chat. I can use the meditation time to let go of this struggle over and over and over.

Noon Day 1:

I want to jump out of my skin much of the time in the silent sittings. I am tolerating more discomfort: An ache, an emptiness, a hole in my heart. So much chatter: Songs, words, pictures, past, future, planning, figuring out. And then the Boredom! The discomfort of being with my bored, uncomfortable self! I think I am settling down a bit, but so uncomfortable with myself. Obsessed with thoughts...I'm fighting myself and my thoughts, surrendering, and then they return. There's not much I've ever done with my eyes closed besides sleep or try to figure everything out. So much thinking. It's a stadium in there. Can this room, this area hold all that I've brought? Mostly uncomfortable. This is hard.

1:30pm Day 1

Serenity NOW! I keep fighting the chatter in my head rather than compassionately inviting it to do something else -- focus on breathing, etc. I think I am officially having a hard time. My relationship situation does not help. I wonder what I would be obsessing about if not for that? I just can't help but feel PAIN. Surely there is comfort and joy here too? This is the thing about letting whatever comes up come up.

How do people keep returning to meditation practice? It must feel good at some point. I hope I'm not missing a taste of peace. I guess I am feeling disappointed that I find it so uncomfortable.

4pm Day 1

I LOVED the small group. We got to talk about our pain and experience here and our concerns. (The Teacher) said it was hard to come here and BE with that pain and the boredom was a way to rest from the pain -- the pain is not boring, but to go through the pain is the path to freedom. She talked about how we are not really beginners -- we bring whatever our experience with other things is. I compare this to dragonboating -- it WAS painful at first, and I had not as much stamina.

It was good to hear the other women's stories. It opened up so much compassion, and if I could apply half as much of that compassion to myself, I'd be treating myself much more gently. Many of the other women sharing had to do with accepting pain as the nature of life. Impermanence. Change. Discomfort.

5pm Day 1

That (meditation session) was easier. Calmer. Do-able. Not so panicky. Glad I got to talk before.

7pm Day 1

I'm tired. Really tired. I've been leaning into pain and discomfort all day. So much focus. I'm sleepy. Relaxed. Calmer. Noting moments of contentment. Enjoyed pre-dinner soak and shower. So beautiful here.

Dharma Talk Day 1

(small excerpts from copious notetaking)

Liberated Feminine

No Tibetan creation story - Primordial womb / space is Boundless. That our of which Everything comes. Great Mother. Inherent Luminosity. Split into duality. Suffering = sense of separation.

5 poisons & Daikini families = reactive emotions. attachment, anger, confusion, pride, jealousy can be transformed into wisdom.

Stay present in our bodies

1) willingness - to allow it and stay present

2) drop the struggle - what is holding us back from who we really are.

Let go of 'I can't do this'. Obstacles -- we can't go around; just into and through.

Stay with what happens in your body. Transformation.

7:45am Day 2

I got up at 6:40a to get to the baths in time by 7. Which I did. I accidentally got out at 7:30, thinking the wake-up bell was the breakfast bell. But that gave me some time to make coffee (thank God) and journal.

Still thinking - getting songs in my head. Struggling to give up the struggle. I'm worrying about doing it wrong: Was I supposed to be at the sitting meditation today? But it SAID on the schedule silent bathing. I thought it looked like an option. She kept us up LATE last night and I got irritated because I was so tired exhausted and overwhelmed.

There's a sweet family of deer here, and it's nice to observe them being themselves. They're not thinking, they're being. I'm noticing love and gratitude emerging for the deer. Allowing that to be, just like the pain from before.

I see myself in the red Daikini family. Craving and desiring. So what if I allow that craving and desiring? She says that the other side of that is what?Clarity about what is needed in relationships? What have I been seeking all this time?

After Breakfast Day 2

I felt such happiness and gratitude and connectedness @ breakfast. I felt like the deer eating THEIR breakfast.

Later Day 2

Calmer, more accepting. Breathing with the songs. Breathing with the chatter and figuring out and stories. Breathing with the desire and craving.

Later Day 2

So much intensity. My anger and overwhelm acknowledged and validated. Intensity emerging I can't even name. Fears come up and subside. So much intensity - I am not used to it. I felt a ball of fear come up and pushed it away. The chatter and the songs -- what is it all about?

Still Later Day 2

I'm glad I signed up for 1:1 time. I feel confused and muddled. I sort of dread the silent sitting meditations. I wonder if I'll be uncomfortable, feel like I'm not doing it very well. I have a tremendous fear of doing this (+everything) wrong. I find the sitting meditations quite difficult. It's helped to add the "breathe with" all the chatter instruction. I'm tired. Sleepy and tired of confronting myself. That's why it's hard. I'm not just gently meeting myself as in 'Hey what's goin' on?' but 'What else is wrong with you?' I could be gentler with myself.

6pm Day 2

Sheesh. I hit the wall. I hit the self-critical, internal judgmental, mean-to-myself, slave-driving wall. I skipped moving meditation. Not before GOING to the 2:30 sitting one, and I was, I REALLY WAS too tired. I was nodding off and finally lay down + went to sleep. I thought everybody else was judging me. It was ME. How curious that this is what's coming up. Me not being gentle with myself.

Anyway, I took a nap. I wanted more, but I got up to talk to Nan (senior student). She reassured me that I don't HAVE to go to every single thing on the schedule. She encouraged me to do a loving kindness meditation + she suggested labeling the thoughts of anger / disgust / frustration at the songs in my head "aversion" + to just notice my judging and gently label "judging".

Morning Last Day

It's a chilly morning.

Y'know what's funny? I'm sorta looking FORWARD to the silent sitting meditations!! I was dreading them before. No wonder. And my back / upper back where the critical judge lives is more relaxed. She's gotten off my back. The deer were my teachers this weekend. The trees too. They don't think. They just ARE.

Afternoon, After Closing Last Day

So much gratitude. So much compassion. Kwan Yin has stepped in. In myself, outside myself, and through the women here. I got a loving, compassionate, and motherly hug from the woman to my left. She said, "They'll go away", meaning the voices -- the harsh judging voices. And I believe she is right.

Why protect myself from love and pain. Fire. It is a part of life.

Julie quoted her teacher with her German accent (Ruth Denison)

"Self-knowledge is not all good news, dahling."

She also said that going into our bodies sometimes means going into pain. Can be a reason for avoiding meditation practice. You can't force it. You can only invite / allow it. This is a gradual awakening.