A Bodhisattva and a Codependent walk into a bar...

I have no idea how to finish that joke, but I almost think the lead-in is funny enough on its own! I have often wondered what the difference is.

Bodhisattvas are essentially the Buddhist version of saints. They have one foot in the Divine realm, and one foot in the human realm. They are humans whose practice was such that they could enter Nirvana, but instead volunteer to remain in the human realm to help others until all beings are freed. They are selfless. Jizo Bodhisattva vows to enter the Hell realms in order to free all beings there, getting his / her robes singed in the process. Kwan Yin "hears the cries of the world."



Here is a chant we do at the Zen Center called Shantideva's Way of the Bodhisattva:

I rejoice in the virtue of all beings which frees
them from suffering!
To help them attain the Way I offer any virtue
that I have.
Thus may the pain of every living creature
be completely cleared away!
May I become doctor and medicine and may
I be the nurse for all sick beings in the world
until everyone is healed.
May a rain of food and drink descend to clear
away the pain of thirst and hunger,
And during the ages marked by scarcity may I
change into food and drink!
May I become an inexhaustible treasure for
those who are poor and destitute;
May I turn into all things they need and may
these be placed close beside them!
Whenever those who encounter me conceive a
single faithful or angry thought,
May even that become the source for fulfilling
all their goals!
May all who say bad things to me or cause me
any other harm.
And those who mock me and insult me have
the fortune to awaken fully!
May I be a protector of those without one -
a guide for all travelers on the way;
May I be a bridge a boat and a ship for all
who wish to cross the water!
May I be an island for those who seek one
and a lamp for those desiring light!
May I be a bed for all who wish to rest
and a servant to those in need.
May I be a wishing jewel a magic vase
a great mantra and potent medicine,
May I be a wish-fulfilling tree and
a cow of plenty for the world!
Just like the great elements such as earth
enduring as space itself,
May I always support the life
of boundless untold beings!
And until they pass beyond pain may I also be
the source of life for all the realms of varied
beings that reach unto the ends of space!
Just as the previous Buddhas embraced
the awakened state of mind.
And just as they step by step embodied
the Bodhisattva practices
Likewise for the sake of all that lives
do I adopt the spirit of enlightenment,
And will also follow
the Way of the Bodhisattva.

Selfless, completely other-focused, willing to suffer in the name of assisting others. Sometimes when I read these aspirations, it makes me physically tired. I certainly have yet to become that inexhaustible treasure. A more contemporary description can be found in this article by Lama Surya Das, "The Backyard Bodhisattva."

Codependents... don't actually have an official definition. This makes the word a bit of a blunt instrument. It can be broadly applied. The term was initially "enabler," often the non-alcoholic partner in an alcoholic family, often a woman. And it is often applied to behaviors that have been specifically encouraged by patriarchal culture, then handily pathologized. I am fishing the baby out of the bathwater here in looking at some of the possibly useful criteria. There are not specific diagnostic criteria, but there are collections of patterns and behaviors common to those who have grown up within a family touched by addiction, and those patterns and behaviors may not be very effective. Codependent behavior is characterized by compulsive helping. Helping that breeds dependence. Here is a list from CoDA, Codependents Anonymous:

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependance is reprinted from the website www.CoDA.org with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.

Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated and its licensors - All Rights Reserved

The difference was made even clearer to me when I ran across this article by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD. "In the Service of Life". She contrasts helping and serving. Helping, she says, is basically all about me. It's all about what I can do for you, from a position of knowing to your not-knowing. You become indebted to me for my help. Service, on the other hand, comes from a place of equality, recognizing the humanness of each of us, and each of us bringing the completeness and wholeness of ourselves -- our light and our shadow -- to this Mystery of interaction, and both of us benefit.

Here is a wonderful merging of the two; The Path to Recovery also from CoDA:

I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment.

I embrace my feelings as being valid and important. I am truthful with myself.

I keep the focus on my own well-being. I know the difference between caring and caretaking.

I trust my ability to make effective decisions.

I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection.

I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive

I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when it’s necessary and appropriate.

I have confidence in myself. I no longer seek others’ approval of my thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

I recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person.

I am rooted in my own values, even if others don’t agree or become angry.

I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others.

I am committed to my safety and recovery work. I leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.

I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.

I consider my own interests first when asked to participate in another’s plans.

My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. I know the difference between lust and love.

I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives. My job is to let them.

I accept and value the differing thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others.

I feel comfortable when I see others take care of themselves.

I am a compassionate and empathic listener, giving advice only if directly asked.

I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift.

I feel loved and accepted for myself, just the way I am.

I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance.

Epiphany

I thought I would wait until after the Life Vows Sesshin to make a decision. Then I would know it was coming from a clear mind. But that's not how it happened.

Companion

It was just the right conversation at the right time, with the right person (my gratitude is boundless, Tay). And whatever movement that occurred then and there was certainly also the result of all of the work that had come before. The last snowflake to fall before the avalanche. No turning back now.

Burnout: February 2007

I have decided to take a Sabbatical. Finally. Just writing it makes my shoulders go down, and I exhale extra long. It also causes a subtle surge of energy to flow upwards through my body, and it causes a feeling of hopefulness and interest. Curiosity. Excitement.

Workhorses

How did this get under the Protestant Work Ethic Radar? What on Earth kind of justification did I come up with to legitimize this? Who do I think I am?

Inner Critic

Tay just calmly encouraged me to make a Plan. Look at Sabbatical applications and proposals from university websites, write objectives, market it. Indeed. I now have a manila folder labeled "Sabbatical," which proves it's real. I even have articles and information in said folder. I have also borrowed three books from the library on the subject. I am in the "geeking out" phase, and I am learning a lot.

I have yet to decide a few things:

1. Exactly What I Will Do
2. How Long It Will Be, and
3. When.

I do have a multitude of ideas for #1. And many of them are career-related, which is one way I have been able to throw a few bones to the Inner Critic and the Inner Puritans. I would like the answer to #2 to be a year. That's what my heart wants. And according to the books, I need to give my workplace LOTS of time to prepare, and also give myself lots of time to make this plan so I can submit a proposal. I have a couple obligations there that I can forsee needing to last into late Spring.

So right after this avalanche, my friend Senryu had an "Epiphany Party," which was something she made up because she noticed that Epiphany was on the calendar for January 6th, and became enamored of the word, and decided to have a bunch of her favorite women friends over, bringing all their crafting materials to share and to make something that would carry an intention into the new year.

I got there faster than you can say "glue gun."

And made this little Altoid box portable Shrine: It's a Shrine to the Transformation of My Relationship to Work (see front of shrine atop this post). My friend Robin is a wonderful collector and appreciator of little objets like these, and I acquired a few of the items from her last February. This little shrine has been wanting to be made for quite some time.

There are many butterflies for their obvious transformational energy. A star to orient myself in the right direction-- stars can only be seen when the sky (mind) is clear. A broom and what I thought was Cinderella's Fairy Godmother (close enough) to help me out of the toiling mind. There are lots of fully blossomed red paper roses. I am no longer a puppy in this field. A little frog in the corner -- they always symbolize Wise Mind to me -- a synthesis of Logic and Emotion Mind, because frogs can live on land and in water. I even dared to include that wonderful admonition from Joseph Campbell to "Follow Your Bliss," even though that still seems rather impossible.
I got to meet with my professional support group today, and share all this. I received so much validation and support. So much encouragement and love. This feels very real. And then tonight, while Patrick is away at a Blazers game, and I have the house to myself, I finally went to the mailbox, and there was a letter I had written to myself six months ago.
I wrote it at the Omega Institute when I was taking the training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. The teachers gave us this task, and promised to hold our self-addressed letters until some undetermined time, then they would mail them. And of course, I had by now completely forgotten what I had written to myself then.

It was a lovely and reassuring message, with some heartfelt good advice. A reminder to Pause. Encouragement to keep the Inner Critic in perspective, because she is not going anywhere, and to treat even her with compassion. But mostly to treat myself with compassion.

Kwan Yin

"Go to bed early." This is so true. Laura of July 11, 2008, you were so right. That was coming from a very clear place. "Go to bed early" is the cornerstone of any subsequent regular morning practice. "Go to bed early" requires attention to my evenings and how they are spent. "Go to bed early" comes from that inner mother, that self-nurturing presence. "Go to bed early" is a way to be gentle with myself, and give love to myself in a very tangible, physical way.

But most importantly, to just allow myself to Be. To experience this life. This one wild and precious life. Thank you! Thank you everybody who is supporting me. I am so blessed.

Orienteering

It has been a long period of discernment. It felt very uncomfortable. Like drifting for two years.
I had a sense that traveling to China might possibly help put the last piece into place, but I didn't know how. Since I have returned, I am sensing that it has fallen into place. The part in my blog description about being a social worker "on the verge of a change" is what I am talking about. I moved from drifting to gestating at some point, and now I think I am meeting my new intention.
Backstory:
In October 2006 I attended the Caregivers' Retreat at Great Vow Zen Monastery; a weekend of meditation, education, and support for folks who work, paid or unpaid, helping others. Chozen Bays, the Abbess, is also a pediatric physician, and a specialist in the field of child abuse. She knows a little something about burnout, or work the difficulty level I liken to staring at the sun.
Hey, if a Zen Master can burn out, maybe I'm not immune. In a place of safety, we caregivers were able to speak from our hearts about the impact of our work. On ourselves. And so it was there that I was able to look at the list of burnout symptoms, and start to admit, quietly to myself, that I might actually have a touch of this. This was, as we say in the mental health biz, "ego-dystonic," i.e thoughts & feelings that are not consistent with my self-perception.I've been a degreed social worker for 15 years. I've been volunteering in the field since age 15, starting with facilitating peer support groups in high school. There I go again, justifying myself...

Anyway, my feelings towards my job kept returning to the realm of... tired. I could sum it up by saying: "I love my work -- there's just so darn much of it," in a high-volume, high-need county mental health agency with high-intensity clients. And there's the long arc of my career. Where was it headed? Towards more of the same.

So I took Step One, and stepped down to 32 hours. A fabulous quote I once heard in a conversation about the benefits of letting go: "Everything I ever let go of had claw marks all over it." Curious that doing something so pleasant would be so difficult. Why? I began to explore fear; financial of course, but also this sense of identity I have cultivated from being a social worker for15 years. Also see previous blog entries on my recovery from workaholism and the Protestant Work Ethic. Sheesh! My friend Becca eased the transition though, when she christened my Mondays off as "Camp Laura Day." Nice.

A lot of my trepidation came / comes from the worry that if I let myself consider leaving the field of social work, then I might leave the field of social work! Then who would I even be? What would I do? This was not helped by a story told to me by a friend and colleague about his psychologist friend who, in a similar period of discernment, took 6 months off to wander. After 6 months, and no further clarity, he wandered for another 6 months. And discovered that he wanted to... open a pet store. He is now apparently deliriously happy selling reptiles. Okay, so that freaks me out. Not the reptile part; the QUITTING part.

So a year plus of Camp Laura Day, and I'm not cured. Even though I knew / know that this is "Divine Discomfort," the kind of persistent itch that is trying to lead to some spiritual growth, my doubting and frightened mind began to turn to a favorite piece of dialogue from the Drew Carey Show:

Drew's friend: "I'm just not fulfilled by my job."
Drew: "Oh yeah? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY. They meet at the bar."

We all have an Inner Critic. And mine started saying crap like this:

"There you go, being totally lazy. Who do you think you are to even dare considering taking all this time off, making a big change? You have a couple of degrees, a nice indoor job, seniority at your workplace. You just started getting good at this. Lots of people don't get to do meaningful work. And now you are thinking you want to what? See, you don't even know. That just proves you are totally misguided. Misguided and spoiled. 32 hours. Next it'll be 20 hours, then none. What about your retirement? You're going to take time off, and fall apart-- have some kind of existential crisis -- meanwhile the rest of the world is going to work every day. Must be nice."

So I attended the week-long sesshin (meditation retreat) at Great Vow Zen Monastery on Life Vows in January of 2008. Please click here and here to listen to two Dharma talks from this retreat by Abbot, Hogen Bays. They are about the importance of creating / finding space through meditation to make room for waiting, discernment, clarity, confidence, courage, action. (Feast your mind and heart on a complete menu of MP3 Dharma Talks from GVZM.)

The retreat helped clarify for me that I don't need to relinquish my healer archetype. It is a part of me. It's just that some of the other archetypes in my soul would like to have a little room to breathe and a little light shining on them, thank you very much.

Here is a poem that came from this retreat:

"I Am Not a Thing, But a Process"

Bowing three times to Kwan Yin
Steeping in the waters of compassion
and the heat of practice.
Brewing the body and essence of Jomon
Accepting all THAT is.

Aspects of Life Vow emerge
One by one, like stars in the night.
As I emerge to look, listen, and love.
I have only to name them and connect the
constellations:  North Star, Practice, Truth,
Gratitude, Service, Healing, Receptivity, Creativity,
Liberation.
My guides.
Orienting to Openness.

Returning to sit,
Gestating under the golden gaze
of Jizo Bodhisattva,
A warm, undefended heart,
I vow to relieve suffering. 

Okay, but still drifting. Not sure what sort of action this translates into. So I waited. And waited. And then I went to China. And traveled with a spectrum of people from Zen Masters to non-practitioners. And I met lots of Buddhists who didn't speak any English -- from religious rockstar Abbots of huge world-renowned temples, to lay practitioners, to citizen temple-visitors.
What I noticed was the impact of practice. The fruit of practice. The light of practice that emanates from people's eyes, is palpable in their body energy, and flows through their actions. This is available to all of us. It just has to be uncovered. And there is a path, a way to uncover ourselves. It's meditation.

Action:
So I've duct-taped my Inner Critic's mouth, and made some decisions. Well, that's not entirely true. I've taken my IC's opinions and views into consideration, and put them in perspective. It's hard to write my decisions down, even with my little blog's limited distribution list. Making a vow public is one way to strengthen and support a vow. I have talked with my boss at work. And I am doing the footwork to make this happen.

I will attend a sesshin once every other month to start, and my goal is to go every month (except August and / or when Patrick gets to go) in 2009.

• This starts in July, when I attend a 10-day training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction.
• Then a 10-day sesshin in September.
• Then a 7-day training in Voice Dialogue at the monastery in October.
• Then a sesshin in December.

It's like going back to school -- without having to go back to school (Thank God).

Whenever I return from a retreat, I know: Nothing is more important than this. This. Uncovering this moment. This life. This is all we have. This is all there is. And to cultivate the clarity, to settle the mind enough to even see what's important requires meditation -- in real time. Then the sky is clear, the North Star is visible, and I can begin to navigate this life.