Along the way, she learned a lot about people's experiences of heartbreak, disconnection, and rejection. She found that something was getting in the way of connection and a sense of belonging:
Shame. Which she defines as fear of disconnection. A belief that if we are really seen and known, that we won't be worthy of connection. "I'm not _______ enough."
The underpinning of this shame is, what she calls, "excruciating vulnerability". Being seen, truly seen. And this, she says, is the prerequisite to connection.
She found a couple groups in her research -
1) people with a strong sense of love and belonging and worthiness
2) people who struggle for it, who always wonder and doubt if they're ever good enough.
The only difference she found between these groups was that group one maintained the simple belief that they were worthy of love and belonging. So she focused on these people, and what they had in common.
She called them "wholehearted people living from a deep sense of worthiness." And they shared a few things:
Courage - in its original definition: To tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. The courage to be imperfect.
Compassion - the ability to be kind to themselves first, then others.
Connection - as a result of authenticity, and a willingness to let go of who they thought they should be, to be who they really are.
And they fully embraced vulnerability. They described vulnerability as not comfortable, not excruciating, just necessary. They had the willingness to act with no guarantees. To breathe through frightening and painful experiences. To invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. To be authentic. This reminds me of Roshi Joan Halifax's teaching of "soft front, strong back".
Why do we struggle with this so much?
She listed the ways we numb vulnerability. Self-medicating; trying to drink and shop and eat away the sadness, loneliness, anger, disconnection. But it turns out you cannot selectively numb emotion. In the process we also numb joy, gratitude, and happiness.
Another way to numb is by "making everything uncertain certain". Also known as, "I'm right, you're wrong, shut up." She adds one of the research definitions of blame: A way to discharge pain and discomfort.
We also numb by perfecting. Or at least trying to perfect ourselves. In the process failing to see that we are worthy of love and belonging despite and perhaps even because of our imperfections.
When we know the truth of I am enough, "we stop screaming and start listening." We can let ourselves be seen deeply and vulnerably, love with no guarantees, and practice gratitude, even in moments of terror. We are kinder to ourselves and to others.
