Epiphany

I thought I would wait until after the Life Vows Sesshin to make a decision. Then I would know it was coming from a clear mind. But that's not how it happened.

Companion

It was just the right conversation at the right time, with the right person (my gratitude is boundless, Tay). And whatever movement that occurred then and there was certainly also the result of all of the work that had come before. The last snowflake to fall before the avalanche. No turning back now.

Burnout: February 2007

I have decided to take a Sabbatical. Finally. Just writing it makes my shoulders go down, and I exhale extra long. It also causes a subtle surge of energy to flow upwards through my body, and it causes a feeling of hopefulness and interest. Curiosity. Excitement.

Workhorses

How did this get under the Protestant Work Ethic Radar? What on Earth kind of justification did I come up with to legitimize this? Who do I think I am?

Inner Critic

Tay just calmly encouraged me to make a Plan. Look at Sabbatical applications and proposals from university websites, write objectives, market it. Indeed. I now have a manila folder labeled "Sabbatical," which proves it's real. I even have articles and information in said folder. I have also borrowed three books from the library on the subject. I am in the "geeking out" phase, and I am learning a lot.

I have yet to decide a few things:

1. Exactly What I Will Do
2. How Long It Will Be, and
3. When.

I do have a multitude of ideas for #1. And many of them are career-related, which is one way I have been able to throw a few bones to the Inner Critic and the Inner Puritans. I would like the answer to #2 to be a year. That's what my heart wants. And according to the books, I need to give my workplace LOTS of time to prepare, and also give myself lots of time to make this plan so I can submit a proposal. I have a couple obligations there that I can forsee needing to last into late Spring.

So right after this avalanche, my friend Senryu had an "Epiphany Party," which was something she made up because she noticed that Epiphany was on the calendar for January 6th, and became enamored of the word, and decided to have a bunch of her favorite women friends over, bringing all their crafting materials to share and to make something that would carry an intention into the new year.

I got there faster than you can say "glue gun."

And made this little Altoid box portable Shrine: It's a Shrine to the Transformation of My Relationship to Work (see front of shrine atop this post). My friend Robin is a wonderful collector and appreciator of little objets like these, and I acquired a few of the items from her last February. This little shrine has been wanting to be made for quite some time.

There are many butterflies for their obvious transformational energy. A star to orient myself in the right direction-- stars can only be seen when the sky (mind) is clear. A broom and what I thought was Cinderella's Fairy Godmother (close enough) to help me out of the toiling mind. There are lots of fully blossomed red paper roses. I am no longer a puppy in this field. A little frog in the corner -- they always symbolize Wise Mind to me -- a synthesis of Logic and Emotion Mind, because frogs can live on land and in water. I even dared to include that wonderful admonition from Joseph Campbell to "Follow Your Bliss," even though that still seems rather impossible.
I got to meet with my professional support group today, and share all this. I received so much validation and support. So much encouragement and love. This feels very real. And then tonight, while Patrick is away at a Blazers game, and I have the house to myself, I finally went to the mailbox, and there was a letter I had written to myself six months ago.
I wrote it at the Omega Institute when I was taking the training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction. The teachers gave us this task, and promised to hold our self-addressed letters until some undetermined time, then they would mail them. And of course, I had by now completely forgotten what I had written to myself then.

It was a lovely and reassuring message, with some heartfelt good advice. A reminder to Pause. Encouragement to keep the Inner Critic in perspective, because she is not going anywhere, and to treat even her with compassion. But mostly to treat myself with compassion.

Kwan Yin

"Go to bed early." This is so true. Laura of July 11, 2008, you were so right. That was coming from a very clear place. "Go to bed early" is the cornerstone of any subsequent regular morning practice. "Go to bed early" requires attention to my evenings and how they are spent. "Go to bed early" comes from that inner mother, that self-nurturing presence. "Go to bed early" is a way to be gentle with myself, and give love to myself in a very tangible, physical way.

But most importantly, to just allow myself to Be. To experience this life. This one wild and precious life. Thank you! Thank you everybody who is supporting me. I am so blessed.