Life Vows Sesshin II

At Life Vows Sesshin last year, I was finally able to articulate some vows after two years of nothing, or maybe just a little trickle of a poem coming out. In fact, last year, for whatever reason, they just poured out nearly fully-formed and required very little fussing. My organize-y self loves the fact that there is a bit of a preamble, and then vows arranged under the Three Treasures, with subcategories that speak to how the vows may actually manifest in the world:

JOMON’S VOWS

To be a grateful and generous servant.

To be motivated by wisdom and compassion.

To be fearless and wholehearted in all that I do.

To appreciate this life with constant awareness, openness and wonder.

BUDDHA

TO HAVE FAITH IN THE WISDOM OF THIS BUDDHA BODY TO CUT THROUGH THE CONFUSION OF THOUGHTS AND WORDS

• To appreciate and take loving care of this body, nourishing it with optimal water, food, rest exercise, and nature.
• To discern the Truth about what is alive in this body, taking a moment to pause before taking on agreements and activity. Giving only what is truly mine to give; maintaining balance, concentration, and potency by saying no.

DHARMA

TO ALWAYS RETURN TO PRACTICE. TO ALWAYS SEEK THE TRUTH.

TO FULLY REALIZE THERE IS NOTHING TO ATTAIN.

• To prioritize and intensify my practice, deepening in both wisdom and compassion.
• To weave Dharma in all that I do, shifting the focus of my work to share with others any insights I may have in order to relieve suffering.

SANGHA

TO OFFER LIGHT ONTO THE PATH. TO BE A WELCOMING REFUGE.

TO TEND THE HEARTH FOR THOSE WHO SEEK SANGHA.

• To cultivate a healthy marriage in which Bansho and I can continue to walk the Path of Awakening together, with love, enjoyment, and respect.
• To found Heart of Wisdom Zen Temple, rooting Dharma as deeply as the Earth itself.

I typed them out and shrank them down onto cards, along with the 16 Bodhisattva Precepts, and laminated them. I have been carrying a card in my wallet, and a card in my Rakusu holder all year. It would be ideal for me to practice reviewing them each day, but that did not happen in 2009. There were times this year that I would look at them and think, "Who the heck made these crazy vows?" It was the clear bright mind, I guess, because now, after a week of Sesshin, looking at them again, not much is changing. Some additions. I will share about those later.

I am feeling a little nervous about just putting them out there.

What are some of your vows?

Praise and Blame

Even as a solid rock is unshaken by the wind, so are the wise unshaken by praise and blame.

~Buddha

Praise and blame is one of my old sensitivities. Growing up, praise was the currency of life. Competing against my brother for what seemed to be a finite resource in an anxious family, I learned very well how winnow out praise, how to avoid or even deflect blame. As a child, I saw my brother suffer as he would often fall outside the lines of expectation, with sometimes harsh consequences, and I learned through him what not to do. Receiving praise at home and at school seemed to buy temporary respite from worry, anxiety, fear. Any blame would fall hard on me, and I would struggle mightily to get out of it, to recover this fragile sense of my goodness again.

It is also important to factor in the larger spiritual and cultural backdrop -- the Puritanical obsession with Heaven and Hell -- that looming sense of reward and punishment from on high which takes us out of the wisdom of our bodies and the reality of the present moment, and into some future to be feared or craved. A praise junkie was innocently, inadvertently created.
The construction of ego happens so early. I learned to pay close attention outside of myself to the sources of praise and blame, and carefully figure out just what it would take to extract them from my environment. Yet, even as I focused so hard on being "good" to earn praise and avoid blame -- by getting good grades, staying out of trouble, following the rules, etc., any feeling of reassurance from without could only be temporary. The pursuit of praise becomes an addiction.

When the source of peace is outside myself, I am destabilized and constantly trying to control that which is uncontrollable. "What does everybody think of me?" That tired refrain, that song stuck in my head, that habit of mind, putting its finger to the wind and being buffeted by the ever-changing opinions and views of others, usually as reported, amplified, exaggerated by my anxious and hypervigilant Inner Critic, and causing me to run around in circles, try to squeeze myself into an approved shape like a mass of play-doh, or just stop frozen in fear.

I am now looking very closely at the intentions behind all that I do. How much is based upon fear? Fear of blame, fear of loss of connection, fear of discomfort in any way, fear of the dissolution of this papier mache ego? How to be motivated by love and not fear?

First do no harm. I am learning to cultivate a life motivated by -- rooted in-- the ethics of the precepts. I continue to consult my own experience relative to the precepts, and finding skillfullness and right action being reinforced by this very body.

I am learning that an intention of love and a sense of my complete interconnectedness can be a source of fearlessness. When I engage in right action for right action's sake, and not for some external reward, my actions are less sticky, and I can let go of the outcome -- in this way, I can free all beings from this ego's sticky needs and agendas. Examining the intention behind everything, I can feel a world of difference, even in what may appear on the outside to be an identical action.
Intention is the bridge between thought and action. When I think / believe that I am a thing, distinct from all those "other" things outside of me me me, I think I am small, vulnerable, and my intentions coalesce around defending this small distinct jellybean I consider myself, and from that flow my actions. My life becomes one big commercial for the product of I, me, mine, trying to convince the world and my small self of the quality and worth of this product. That incorrect view naturally leads to those less than skillful intentions and actions, rooted in fear, and feels like a rollercoaster with ups and downs made of praise and blame.
Jizo Bodhisattva embodies a fearless love, rooted in the Earth itself. Still and solid as rock. In stillness my own compass points clearly (in stillness I find I actually have my own compass).

Thich Nhat Hanh enlarges the Paramita of Patience, calling it Inclusiveness, and encouraging us all to "make our heart(s) big." Big like the earth. "If your heart is small, one unjust word or act will make you suffer. But if your heart is large, if you have understanding and compassion, that word or deed will not have the power to make you suffer. You will be able to receive, embrace, and transform it in an instant. What counts here is your capacity."
The Buddha counseled his son Rahula in this way: "Develop a state of mind like the earth, Rahula. For on the earth, people throw clean and unclean things, dung and urine...and the earth is not troubled." All the elements are inclusive and untroubled in this way, absorbing and transforming everything without judgment. We are all composed of these same elements, and we all have this inherent capacity.

The Buddha also said, "Therefore, be ye lamps unto yourselves, be a refuge to yourselves. Hold fast to Truth as a lamp; hold fast to the truth as a refuge. Look not for a refuge in anyone beside yourselves. And those, who shall be a lamp unto themselves, shall betake themselves to no external refuge, but holding fast to the Truth as their lamp, and holding fast to the Truth as their refuge, they shall reach the topmost height."

Synchronicity

I had a lovely and reassuring episode of synchronicity that occurred at the SoulCollage Training in California, and was a lovely bridge into my 10-Day Sesshin.

The training was over a weekend, and Saturday night, after a day and a half of being completely immersed in SoulCollage, we did readings. Seena encouraged us to ask manageable questions. Not too big: What is the meaning of my life?" Not too small: "What should I wear tomorrow?" But more like, "What are the card energies (Seena uses the word "Neters") that are going to be with me in the next week, or for this next project?" Like that. So I inquired about the card energies that would be with me for my upcoming 10-day retreat. Here is who came up:

Patrick, of course. The One who vowed to support my spiritual path. The One who will hold down the fort, take care of the house, take care of the dog and the kitty while I am away. The One who understands where retreat practice fits in our lives.

3rd Chakra Companion: Tiger I am the One who lives in the belly.
I am your gut instinct. I am the one with the fire and fierceness of determination.
I am the One who says yes or no.

Robin
My Dharma sister.
I am the One who appreciates your practice.
I am the One who is with you along the path.

So my plan was to focus on some Hara, or belly breathing during the retreat, regardless of what the practice would turn out to be. Usually in the retreats, there is a theme, and a recommended practice, like listening practice, or even "tongue practice" in which for a whole week, we focused on the sensations and movements of the tongue. The theme of this retreat was "Longing for the Ancient Way." I was not sure what the practice would be to go with the theme. Maybe Koan practice?

Well it turned out that this would in fact be a 10-day retreat with a focus on breathing practice. We breathed using an anchor word, "Buddha," in haling the syllable "Bu..." and exhaling the syllable, "Daaaaahhh." And all the while focusing the breath in the Hara. What are the odds, eh?

It seems there is no real consistency with writings about the chakras. Some say the Hara is in the 3rd, some say it's in the 2nd chakra. Nevertheless, I breathed the Buddha Breath constantly, lightly, intensely, gently, and fiercely. I put my Tiger card on my nightstand, and it was a comfort and reminder about bringing awareness to the Hara, learning about the Hara, feeling the Hara, being present with the Hara. I needed the fire of determination to stay with the practice, and there it was.

I also experienced a feeling of the belly's moving breath like that of a frog's throat moving in and out. A relaxed belly goes 'plop' -- sticking itself out right before an inhale, expanding to welcome an influx of air, pulling it in like a bellows. I must credit Linda Brice, a Transformational Voice Trainer, for first teaching me this concept, and allowing me to experience my breath in this way.

I also likened each breath to a flower, gradually opening, blossoming into fullness, then equally gradually declining, and disappearing, making way for the next breath.

I experienced a lot on retreat. More may come to these pages, but right now I am going on a birthday dinner date with two of my other soul sistahs, Rebecca and Kayci.

I am glad to be back. And breathing.

Upholding the Sangha Treasure

I'm pretty excited these days about a new project at the Zen Center I have decided to call:

Upholding the Sangha Treasure.

As Buddhists, we vow to take refuge in the three treasures, or the three jewels. Here is my humble understanding of this vow. The three jewels are:

• Buddha -- Finding a teacher -- someone who is connected through the lineage to the historic Buddha himself. Also the Buddha within -- my direct experience of life.
  
• Dharma -- the teachings of the Buddha
  
• Sangha -- the people with whom we practice -- others on the Path. The Sangha is the equivalent to a congregation.

We vow to lean into them and apply and express them wholeheartedly. Part of taking the precepts in our tradition includes writing about our understanding of them. Here is a little bit of my writing from almost a year ago about the three treasures:

Taking Refuge in the Buddha

...when I take refuge in the Buddha, it is the Buddha within me – my senses, by ability to perceive and experience the physicality of this moment. My fingertips on the computer keys, my belly digesting lunch, the air going in and out of my nose, the skin all over my body, feeling the air and clothes and temperature. All this touching of the earth, and interfacing and being stirred into the whole universe. When I awaken to this, it certainly feels like taking refuge. It certainly feels like resting, and simplifying, even as I open to countless millions of things happening, it is still calmer and less busy than all that thinking.

Taking Refuge in the Dharma

Taking refuge in the teachings. Listening to them, applying them, experimenting, trying them on for myself. Asking, “Is that so?” I was not much of a reader of the Dharma prior to coming to practice, which, from what I understand can be a good thing. I notice that when I am listening to Dharma talks in my car, or after a Dharma talk, weekend retreat, etc, I am usually able to immediately practice what the teachings suggest. Whether I do so gracefully is another thing, but the Teachings I find to be completely practical, and applicable to everything real in my life, and again, I find a calmness, a comfort when I do take refuge in them.

Taking Refuge in the Sangha

BTW: This awesome photo was taken at Great Vow Zen Monastery just after a week-long retreat focusing on the koan of "Mu" during which the whole group often yelled it sang it growled it ate it breathed it throughout the sitting periods!

I am usually very comfortable on the giving and sharing end of things, but taking refuge suggests allowing the Sangha to help me, too. And the ways that this has happened most for me has been in meditation instruction, the classes, the very container of practice when sitting – others’ practice strengthens my own. New people coming to practice, and being asked to welcome them, or teach meditation instruction has given my own practice great energy and focus. Making mistakes as the chant leader in front of the Sangha has helped me to observe my own Inner Critic and see myself with the kind of compassion I receive from the Sangha. I am amazed that the Buddha was able to do all of this on his own, and it makes me so very glad that I don’t have to.

~ ~ ~

And this is as lovely and concise (two & a half pages) a dharma talk about Sangha, by none other than Chozen Bays. She references the fact that the Sangha Treasure often gets short shrift. This tendency is sometimes referred to as two jewels and a rock.

So why this focus on Sangha?

Our Zen group is currently limited by the amount of days available for rent at
the Portland Dharma Center 2514 SE Madison Currently we sit here

Thursday and Sunday nights at 7:30.
Monday mornings from 6-7 am, and
Tuesday nights start July 1 at 7:30.

So we are working towards acquiring a Portland building of our own, which means fundraising and organization as well as commitment to stepping up and being the ones who are there to make more teachings available. We are not ready to purchase anything at the moment, BUT we are getting ready.

One way to get ready is to see if we can't grow a little more before making such a big move. We are planning more programs, weekend workshops, etc. for the coming year. We are also looking at what a transition from a smallish membership to a larger membership would entail. Apparently this can sometimes be a difficult transition to make, and there can be losses along the way. So in a big change like this, it is important to focus on membership, and to be more conscious and awake about what we are doing. Thankfully, this wheel has already been invented.

I volunteered to digest and then gather some folks to learn about a spiritual / congregational roadmap of sorts from the Alban Institute. The Alban Institute is a Christian organization that has done a lot of research into these kinds of topics, and it publishes materials for congregations who are going through growth, transitions, etc. The Zen Community of Oregon had gone through a similar process with these materials many years ago, and found it to be enormously helpful.

My plan is to focus on this workbook, and work through it with some older and some newer practitioners. Together we will figure out how it translates into Zen. My friend Robin will be helping -- she has a near allergic sensitivity to proselytizing, having graduated from an evangelical Christian college, and will be my sniff tester for Zen-zealotry, or Zevangelicalism.


I have a lot of energy for this. I am very excited about it. It feels foundational. It feels important, it feels like a good fit for my skills, a contribution I can make, but most importantly, it feels like practice. Practice that's not sitting alone with myself and my roller derby mind, practice that's not reading about Zen, but practice with the Sangha treasure -- that can be grittier and scarier, but no less important.