Cheatsheets

I met a new friend this week -- another woman on a spiritual path.  So lovely to just start in the middle with someone; that mysterious sudden familiarity and appreciation.  We got to talking about this question of confidence and humility.  We talked about how maybe there is no difference between the two.  Or that perhaps humility is the root of confidence.  She liked that the root of the word humility is the same as the root of the word for human and for the Earth: humus.  She shared this story with me, which I have tracked down on Wikipedia, and is attributed to Rabbi Simcha Bunim Bonhart of Peshischa (1765–1827):

Everyone must have two pockets, with a note in each pocket, so that he or she can reach into the one or the other, depending on the need. When feeling lowly and depressed, discouraged or disconsolate, one should reach into the right pocket, and, there, find the words: "For my sake was the world created."  But when feeling high and mighty one should reach into the left pocket, and find the words: "I am but dust and ashes."

What is Confidence?

My teacher often says, "Have great confidence."  He might as well be saying "Be six feet tall."  Is confidence something one can get or have?  Or not-have?  The dictionary says it's a feeling or belief, and those are quite unstable.  

confidence

 [kon-fi-duhns]   

- n
1.	a feeling of trust in a person or thing: I have confidence in his abilities
2.	belief in one's own abilities; self-assurance
3.	trust or a trustful relationship: take me into your confidence
4.	something confided or entrusted; secret
5.	in confidence  as a secret

 confidence 

c.1430, from L. confidentia, from confidentem, prp. of confidere"to have full trust or reliance," from con-, intensive prefix, +fidere "to trust" (see faith).

Can a person have great confidence in the midst of fear or doubt or self-consciousness?  Snippets from Marge Piercy's poem "For Strong Women" come to mind:

A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling...

...Strength is not in her, but she

enacts it as the wind fills a sail.


Where is the line between confidence and arrogance?  Arrogance, it seems, is a special brand of foolishness.  I thought I had embraced my inner fool, become willing to not-know, to make mistakes with gusto.  But I continue to deeply fear exhibiting arrogance, thanks in large part to well-indoctrinated gender training.  It seems like a state of thinking-I-know-but-really-I-don't; an even bigger fool.  And it can be harmful to others.    

ar·ro·gance

   [ar-uh-guhns] 

noun

offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearingpride.

Origin: 
1275–1325; Middle English  < Middle French  < Latin arrogantia presumption.


Interesting internet find: What would Genpo have to say about arrogance? 


Then there's humility.  And careful: False humility.  

hu·mil·i·ty

   [hyoo-mil-i-tee or, often, yoo-] 

noun

the quality or condition of being humble;  modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.

Origin: 1275–1325; Middle English humilite  < Latin humilitās.

This Latin root, hum, connects us as humans, our ability to be humane, the earth (humus), and with this low-to-the-ground submissiveness, humility.  I first heard this joke pointing to false humility from Jon Kabat-Zinn:

A rabbi is kneeling in front of the altar.
“God, I am nothing and you are everything”, he says.
The cantor sees him and he kneels down and says,
“God, I am nothing and you are everything”.
The assistant rabbi sees them and he too does the same thing.
The janitor sees them and is so moved that he too kneels down and says,
“God, you are everything and I am nothing”.
The assistant rabbi nudges the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he’s nothing”.

Surrender is not the same as submission.  Self-loathing is a small, selfish world.  Much like the selfishness of arrogance.  True humility makes us larger, connects us to others rather than sets us apart.

So what is confidence?