The Attitude of Gratitude

Ain't just a platitude.

Experiencing life post-Sabbatical. I am so happy and grateful, it is way bigger than me. Turns out I really do enjoy my work as a clinical social worker, especially when it's not like drinking out a firehose. I used to say that I loved my work at the county, but there was just so darn much of it.

I just called my old supervisor the other day, and she said she couldn't believe it had only been a year that I'd been gone; that it seemed like 10 years. A lot happens there in a day. There's a reason people count their time in dog years.

It has been such a gift and an honor to focus on clients again. And keeping the focus on me, too.

I suspect the big changes in my diet and other health-related practices has also given me a boost to some degree. It certainly was a major change. I remember just feeling an energetic floor one day. Nice. And impermanent.

Social work is my trade, and I am very grateful that I have not had to stop practicing it. Especially at a point in my career when I have a little seasoning. I like to think it's about to get really interesting now.

I was describing the difference to someone -- that instead of treading water, it's more like water ballet.

Also I have an inordinate amount of gratitude about getting to ride the bus every day. Bus Practice is its own blog post, perhaps coming soon.

Here's a little clip from one of my top three favorite movies of all time, Stuart Smalley Saves His Family. It's such an affectionate sendup of the 12-Step programs and their wonderful slogans that only a self-depricating codependent insider could accomplish.

The attitude of gratitude -- it ain't just a platitude.

Trust

For this Sabbatical time, I had an aspiration to attend all the Sesshin; one each month. That has not quite happened, but it has been close. I am reminded of a metaphor that a pastor at a New Thought church I used to go to (yeah, that was an interesting chapter in the spiritual biography) would say about continuous practice. She likened spiritual practice to putting water on to boil. If you are always taking it off and putting it back on the heat, it will never reach that transformational degree of 212.

Hello Kitty rocks the mokugyo

I went to Sesshin in August, September, October and November. Going to that many Sesshin one after another has indeed felt intense, and I admit that missing Rohatsu felt... right.

I can easily error on the side of over-striving and even bullying myself. While certainly dedication and effort is needed, harshness is something extra.

Enough with the fear of slacking! It is not from reality. I jump out of the boiling water and into the fire: Where my meditation practice ends, my yoga practice has been picking up. I am beginning to taste the fruits of that practice, and more often than not, surprising myself with what this body is willing and able to do now. The mind has yet to catch up to the body in this respect. I can trust that everything is as it should be. Transformation is all the time. Geez!

So hi-ho, it's off to January Sesshin I go. The theme is Life Vows. It is one of Hogen Roshi's favorite themes, and is a little unusual in that we get to meet and actually talk within a small group each day to help us articulate and clarify our own Life Vows.

The best part of working with others on life vows, for me, was to see how people organized their vows. (I am a hard core 'J' on the Myers-Briggs if that hasn't already given it away). One woman traced her hand, and had this five-part vow category thing. There were lists, and memorable fun vows along with the serious ones.

I was able to organize mine into vows that related to the Three Treasures; Buddha, Dharma, and Sangha. And there is a sort of preamble at the beginning. I typed these out, shrank them way down, and laminated them, along with the Precepts on the other side, and carry them around in my wallet (My husband calls me "Dr. J" sometimes for my nearly comical organizational bent).

Anyway, I am going to Sesshin this week, for whatever reason, with whatever result. I had a conversation with someone who reminded me that the results of this Sabbatical will not be altogether (or even mostly) visible, and certainly not measurable. I can trust that everything is unfolding just fine, and that my job is just to keep showing up to this life, whether it's in a Zendo, yoga studio, or eyeballs falling out in front of a computer.

Wishing you all well this week!

Grasses, Trees, and the Great Earth

Just returned from the Grasses, Trees, and the Great Earth Sesshin, and am about to head back outside to sit in my backyard under the pear trees to help ease reentry. Before I do, I would like to share an observation from nature. I wish I had my own photos to share.

Anyway, at the monastery, there is a small flower box with cosmos, zinnias and such on the little porch outside the dorm where I stayed all week. It took until about Day 4 for me to truly see a fist-sized zinnia of so many petal layers, and such amazing and hilarious neon bright pinkness, on a break I walked over to just visit it for a moment.


Zinnia Bumble Bee originally uploaded by zizzybaloobah

In doing so, I watched the various bees, particularly the bumblebees, who are currently fat like little yellow and black zeppelins who can scarcely fly themselves around.

I observed one light onto a smaller zinnia, going around counterclockwise, methodically and thoroughly dipping its proboscis into each and every yellow stigma before heavily hovering off to the next flower. Everyone seemed to be having a very good time.

Later in the evening I wandered into the greenhouse where there are also flowers planted for use on the altars. The bumblebees like to fall asleep on flowers. I have seen this before on cosmos in my own cutting garden.

The one I saw was just resting on a pink daisy-like flower. It was almost sleeping. Its little bee legs were sprawled out and its little bee face was completely planted in the midst of the powdery yellow cushion, and it wasn't busy doing anything. It was just lying there, appearing to be drunk on pollen, or just blissed out from a busy bee day. I lightly brushed up next to a nearby plant, a leaf from which just grazed this little bee's leg, and without removing its face from the pollen platter, it lifted up one of its arms towards the source of the mild disturbance, as if to beg for a snooze alarm.

These creatures, these flowers and bugs and animals... they are just simply themselves, wholeheartedly. These precious little jewels everywhere. Can a human life ever be this forthright?

Jumping Off the 100-Foot Pole

Two of my favorite bloggers have recently posted about this koan:

CASE 46.PROCEED BEYOND THE TOP OF THE 100 FOOT HIGH POLE

Master Sekiso said, "You are at the top of the 100 foot high pole. How will you make a step further?" Another Zen Master of Ancient Times said, "One who sits on top of the 100 foot pole has not quite attained true enlightenment. Make another step forward from the top of the pole and throw one's own body into the 100,000 universes."

Mumon's Comments:
Should there be any who is able to step forward from the top of the 100 foot pole and hurl one's whole body into the entire universe, this person may call oneself a Buddha. Nevertheless, how can one step forward from the top of the 100 foot pole? Know thyself!

Should one be content and settle on top of the 100,000 foot pole,

One will harm the third eye,

And will even misread the marks on the scale.

Should one throw oneself and be able to renounce one's life,

Like one blind person leading all other blind persons,

One will be in absolute freedom (unattached from the eyes).

The Dalai Grandma sees the 100-foot pole as the tendency to get stuck thinking about right action, rather than just doing it. Trying to hold onto a feeling of enlightenment, as opposed to taking enlightened action. She even includes a great Elvis song to illustrate her point! Check her out!

Then James Ishmael Ford, a Unitarian Minister and Zen Priest, in his blog "Monkey Mind", posted about stepping off the 100-foot pole on my last day of work. His assertion is that the pole is our limited story about life, the meaning we affix to things, rather than the enormity of our actual wordless experience, and how our small egos cling to that small story for dear small life.

I so appreciate such wise companions on the Path. I am not sure what the 100-foot pole is, but I know that a huge part of my identity has just been relinquished, and there is a voice that takes issue with this, that is really scared, and wants to grab grab grab onto something. Grab onto a schedule, grab onto the word "sabbatical," grab onto my professional development plan, grab onto goals -- hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. From one pole to another, I am feeling this koan today.

Appreciating the quiet tenderheartedness of today, and the ending of nine years of service in a county agency. Falling with open arms into the mystery of whatever this brings. Maybe it is a mistake. Appreciating whatever is large enough to accept that. Appreciating whatever is large enough to not know exactly what is happening next. Or even now.

Totem Poles
Originally uploaded by Peter Macdonald Photo

Just This

After today, five more workdays to go. Last Day is

June 26th.

Thanks, Rebecca for alerting me to this amazing image!

BREAKING NEWS! Ten Social Workers Go On Sabbatical!!!

This unbelieveable event apparently happened in Singapore. This is all you get when you google "social worker" and "sabbatical" (unless you're a school social worker with a contract like the teachers). It's a rare event.

Dialectical Sabbatical

As Sabbatical draws nearer, I am noticing a pronounced polarization happening inside:

• Active / Receptive
• Personal / Professional
• Growth / Rest
  

What I appreciate about dialectics is knowing that these seeming opposites can indeed be incorporated and transcended. I'm not quite there though.

I sense the Inner Critic is the source of my mild distress. I can tell, because it's got me coming and going. The Inner Critic will criticize 'A' and 'not-A'. Imagine a busy-body voice dripping with gotcha:

"I thought you were supposed to rest on this Sabbatical."
vs.
"Oh, so your Sabbatical is going to be one big vacation -- must be nice."

It's like driving with the gas and the brake on at the same time. Ironic that I am struggling so hard with stopping.

On one side, I have lots of goals. This is what enabled me to actually say yes to Sabbatical. I had to justify it to the inner workhorse. Prove to myself that it would entail lots of career development, and would indeed be very useful and very practical. So I have a big list and a spiel to talk about this side of the whole deal, and it sounds very clinical and academic and busy.

Then there's the other side. The side of personal and spiritual development. I started making a collage about Sabbatical, and it reflects this side -- lots of yoga, meditation, outdoor activity, retreats at the monastery, baths, gardening and cooking. Even all this is pretty busy too. And if Heart of Wisdom Zen Temple obtains a building of its own, well then I will be very busy.

I had a long conversation with Mushin -- she's a longtime member of our Sangha, a Dharma-Holder and a therapist, and has been an ongoing sounding-board of wisdom for my thoughts about how Zen practice is mingling with and now seems to be hijacking my career. We talked about doing nothing. This is a foreign concept. It feels like swimming against a mighty river of Protestant Work Ethic karma.

"Sitting quietly, doing nothing, Spring arrives and the grass grows by itself."

Mushin encouraged me to look at the existing Jewish traditions of observing the Sabbath. She suggested that even within my Sabbatical, I might designate a day every week to observe a Sabbath Day very formally. I love the idea of going right to the source of the word itself.

There are 39 categories of activity that are prohibited on Shabbat. These can be simplified into two broader categories: 1) Creative activity, and 2) Activity that changes one's environment. This has been very interesting reading, and the various levels of observance end up prohibiting different things. For the most part, they include these: Driving a car, using electricity, writing, washing, playing instruments, watching TV, sewing, cooking, etc.

Here is a list of encouraged activity:

• Spending Shabbat together with other Jews
• Attending synagogue
  
• Socializing with family and friends
• Hosting guests for Shabbat meals
• Singing special songs for the Shabbat meal
• Reading, studying and discussing Torah and commentary
• Sexual relations between husband and wife, particularly on Shabbat eve
  
• Taking Shabbat naps

I notice myself seeking permission for taking this Sabbatical. Even though I have already decided to do it. I can find it in other traditions, other cultures, other countries. This normalizes and justifies it to some degree. I found that in one article, 75% of the British workforce is considering a "Career Break." Yeah, they even have their own word for it. And that so many of them are considering it... well it's decidedly un-American.

The thing is, it really doesn't matter where else these kinds of things are practiced, or how important they are to others. The important thing is for me to continue to consult myself. I have been in deep discernment for a long time, and have tapped into a very still, quiet place that does not require statistics, ancient religious law, or even words. It's more like the truth of simply exhaling. Or the truth of the seasons. The truth of night. A natural pull towards what is true that I can trust if I am quiet and listen deeply.