Pick a Winner Every Time!

During Sesshin, in our efforts to empty the mind, Chozen Roshi reassured that it is not really possible to stop the mind. She referred to the term mindstream. This is apparently a term used more commonly in Theravada and Vajrayana practices, and after looking it up, I am perhaps even a bit more confused than I was before, so forgive me if I am not communicating about it clearly. Basically the point is that the mindstream is continuous, and flows even through lifetimes. Purifying the mindstream, as I understand it, is about reducing and removing the pollutants of greed, anger and ignorance.

It's easy for me to visualize the "stream of consciousness" or the "stream of thought." This common metaphor encourages us to sit on the banks, watching a little stream, and observing the leaves of thought and sensation innocently floating by. I would add, perhaps a bit judgmentally, observing the random trash floating by, particularly my "greatest hits," which are my most repetitive thoughts. With practice, the stream might sometimes slow down to some degree, but really doesn't altogether stop. The trick is to stay on the banks, rather than reaching out and grabbing hold of any of the tempting items floating by.

While it may still be true that my mind is a 2-year-old black lab that eats poop, it would also seem that my mind is the duck pond at the fair.

Pick a Lucky Duck originally uploaded by dcjohn

Pick a winner every time! A game requiring no skill! A prize every time! I remember playing the duck pond carnival game as a child. I remember the ducks had numbers written on the bottoms, in permanent marker. If you picked a duck with the number one on the bottom, you won the big fluffy huge pink teddy bear dangling at the top of the kiosk. But as the numbers got higher, those were the less desirable, and much more common prizes.

I think I might have been about seven years old when I last played this game. I, of course, picked a high number. I "won" -- I am not kidding -- a Roy Rogers poster.

Now, nothing against Roy Rogers -- he was a sweet man. But what kid on earth wants a Roy Rogers poster in the late 70's? Where did they even get this "prize"? The funny thing was, I actually put it up in my room for a while. I won it, right?

I am always similarly tempted to reach out and grab items of thought in the mindstream. But they tend to be the same things over and over -- just like the duck pond and its circular stream -- the same little duck-thoughts over and over, despite how important the mind insists they are, the endless hope and the mind's insistence that this time, this thought is the enormous pink teddy bear, not the Roy Rogers poster.

But just like at the fair, each thought really is always the Roy Rogers poster. And there is nothing more satisfying than going to the fair, watching those cute little ducks just float on by, and leaving emptyhanded.

prize everytime originally uploaded by pulpmojo

My Mind Is A 2-Year-Old Black Lab That Eats Poop

Woof originally uploaded by Jim Sneddon

This latest retreat was helpful to some degree in clarifying something about right effort. My Puritan roots tend to give me the default mode of over-effort, striving, and being quite mistrustful of anything that is not at least a little uncomfortable. This applies to meditation as well.

Hold It Tight originally uploaded by jbelluch

Also revealed were some unarticulated expectations I had tucked away: "This retreat will require less effort because there will be so much outdoor meditation. It will be easier." In some ways this was true. Someone else noted at the week's end that just feeling a breeze on the face during sitting provides such a pleasant focus for the mind. And indeed, listening to the tiny creatures rustling around in the forest, the mind just zooms right in. Someone else half-jokingly mentioned that they weren't sure this really counted as Zazen because it was so joyful! But does pleasantness make it easier? Does nature do our Zazen for us? If we sit outside and drift around in thought, is that any different than doing so in the Zendo?

Blades and Droplets originally uploaded by surfonaut

Chozen brought in a wonderful metaphor for Sesshin: You can't fix your car while you are driving around on the freeway. You have to drive it into the garage, turn it off, open the hood, and take some time to look and learn about how it works. The carburetor = the breathing system. The fuel injection = mindful eating, and so on.

Lucky Motors Bermondsey originally uploaded by MairiMcCann

So if this is true, then my mind wants to read Consumer Reports over and over. On this retreat, I was able to more closely observe some of my mind's favorite habits. This was a little easier to do, since I recalled previously cataloguing them after a Sesshin last September. In fact, here is the outline, and aside from the worries over the geriatric dog, now passed away, everything is just about the same:

I. What is everybody going to think of me?
A. Oh My God, I'm doing it wrong
1. Rehearse
2. Replay

II. Judging
A. Making up stories
B. Guilt about judging

III. Miscellaneous
A. Repetitive songs
B. Sudden thoughts of hilarity
C. Sudden thoughts of catastrophe
1. Health status of geriatric dog at home
2. US / World politics and economics
3. Health / mental health status of husband currently working in US politics.

I was thoroughly bored with myself and the above litany by evening of the first full day. It has previously taken me until about day 3 to get that bored with myself. There were no discoveries; just the same discursive mind. It's repetitive, it's annoying, it causes jolts of anxiety. And it's apparently highly addictive.

Hi, my name is Laura, and I'm addicted to self-making. The Pali word for which I learned from Ajahn Amaro in June: "Ahamkara." Self-making. There's supposed to be a little dot under the 'm' to indicate that the 'm' is actually pronounced with the sound "ng". "a-HANG-ka-ra". Short 'o' sound on the second syllable. Great word. Nice to have a word for something I do pretty much all the time.

Girl Doll and Clock originally uploaded by runran

I had a rather negative interaction with someone early in the week. And this was what my mind settled upon to obsess about. How could they talk to me like that? Aren't they supposed to be more skillful than that? Replay, replay, replay. How will I respond to them when I come out of Sesshin? Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.

Bo-RING!

Broken Record originally uploaded by Mista Kingasaur

It is amazing how bored I was with this, and yet, it persisted for days. I would catch myself in it, even after deciding once and for all that I would piously let it go, and NOT in fact talk to the person or anyone about it. Up it came anyway, like bad indigestion. I tried labeling it, giving it room, smiling at it. On and on it went.

Then I began to think of it more like poop. I was still catching myself churning about this brief conversation days and days later. It was like returning to analyze the long-digested and expelled breakfast of 3 and 4 and 5 days ago. And as if that is not gross enough, all the while, there is a gorgeous forest setting all around me, with chirping birds and crickets and breezes and swaying trees and bamboo and loveliness that keeps getting pushed to the edge of awareness. For thinking that is equivalent to poop.

green bamboo leaves originally uploaded by surfonaut

It became clear that I needed to take some steps to respond to this mind's broken-record antics. So I redoubled my effort at the primary practice -- at that point it was listening -- and I started using some of the tools that have been effective for me in dealing with repetitive discursive thinking.

One that is especially good for my repetitive rehearsing and replaying of conversations, is to imagine myself and whomever else as finger puppets. Then, in as much detail as I can imagine, really having the conversation between the finger puppets. Often the ridiculousness of this is enough to take the energy out of it. Then returning to the primary practice.

Tara and Finger Puppet Theatre originally uploaded by dimitrij

Another tool is that I sometimes imagine the sword of Manjushri dramatically cutting the line of thinking, Samurai warrior style, complete with internally yelling the word "No!" Then return to the primary practice.

Manjushri, the Bodhisattva of Wisdom originally uploaded by Wonderlane

I was surprised I needed to bring these out. I had not expected to be so plagued, and for my mind to be so hypnotized by this content that it would drown out even the idyllic monastery grounds.

Misty Rain Sunbeam Log originally uploaded by opalmirror

I ended up saying "No" so many times, that it reminded me of training a dog. Which immediately allowed me a soft patience with myself and my mind, because I love dogs and all of their honest, wholehearted ways. I decided that my mind was most like a 2-year-old black lab that has had some training, looks like an adult dog, knows a few basic commands, but still has a lot of puppy energy. "Sit? Okay. Done. Now run around, right? Chew on stuff? Oh, sit again, okay. Done. Now run around, right?"

crazy dog originally uploaded by Phil Romans

One that likes to eat poop, and will do so whenever it can get away with it because it simply can't resist. One that can tell exactly when you are just saying "no" and when you actually mean "no" and have some behavioral intervention with which to back those words up. I don't have to be harsh. I don't have to be cruel. I don't have to extend too much effort. Just enough effort. And to be consistent. To follow my intention with action.

It appears my mind, too, is prepared to respond to my practice only as much as I mean it. Even in a delightful forest setting. I can sit there and sure wish I had a quiet mind, but unless that is backed up with some direction towards practice, it seems like it results in a distractable poop-eating puppy mind!

Nosey originally uploaded by A30 Tsitika

Affirming Faith In Mind

Affirming Faith In Mind
(Hsin Hsin Ming)
by Zen Master Kanchi Sosan

The Great Way is not difficult for those who do not pick and choose.
When preferences are cast aside the Way stands clear and undisguised.

But even slight distinctions made set earth and heaven far apart.
If you would clearly see the truth, discard opinions pro and con.

To founder in dislike and like is nothing but the mind's disease.
And not to see the Way's deep truth disturbs the mind's essential peace.

The Way is perfect like vast space, where there's no lack and no excess.
Our choice to choose and to reject prevents our seeing this simple truth.

Both striving for the outer world as well as for the inner void condemn us to entangled lives.
Just calmly see that all is One, and by themselves false views will go.

Attempts to stop activity will fill you with activity.
Remaining in duality, you'll never know of unity.

And not to know this unity lets conflict lead you far astray.
When you assert that things are real you miss their true reality.

But to assert that things are void also misses reality.
The more you talk and think on this the further from the truth you'll be.

Cut off all useless thought and words And there's nowhere you cannot go.
Returning to the root itself, you'll find the meaning of all things.

If you pursue appearances you overlook the primal source.
Awakening is to go beyond both emptiness as well as form.

All changes in this empty world seem real because of ignorance.
Do not go search for the truth, just let those fond opinions go.

Abide not in duality, refrain from all pursuit of it.
If there's a trace of right and wrong, True-mind is lost, confused, distaught.

From One-mind comes duality, but cling not even to this One.
When this One-mind rests undisturbed, then nothing in the world offends.

And when no thing can give offense, then all obstructions cease to be.
If all thought-objects disappear, the thinking subject drops away.

For things are things because of mind, as mind is mind because of things.
These two are merely relative, and both at source are Emptiness.

In Emptiness these are not two, yet in each are contained all forms.
Once coarse and fine are seen no more, then how can there be taking sides?

The Great Way is without limit, beyond the easy and the hard.
But those who hold to narrow views are fearful and irresolute; their frantic haste just slows them down.

If you're attached to anything, you surely will go far astray.
Just let go now of clinging mind, and all things are just as they are. In essence nothing goes or stays.

See into the true self of things, and you're in step with the Great Way, thus walking freely, undisturbed.
But live in bondage to your thoughts, and you will be confused, unclear.

This heavy burden weighs you down-- O why keep judging good and bad?
If you would walk the highest Way, do not reject the sense domain.

For as it is, whole and complete, This sense world is enlightenment.
The wise do not strive after goals, but fools themselves in bondage put.

The One Way knows no differences, the foolish cling to this and that.
To seek Great Mind with thinking mind is certainly a grave mistake.

From small mind come rest and unrest, but mind awakened transcends both.
Delusion spawns dualities-- these dreams are merely flowers of air-- why work so hard at grasping them?

Both gain and loss, and right and wrong-- once and for all get rid of them.
When you no longer are asleep, all dreams will vanish by themselves.

If mind does not discriminate, all things are as they are, as One.
To go to this mysterious Source frees us from all entanglements.

When all is seen with "equal mind," to our Self-nature we return.
This single mind goes right beyond all reasons and comparisons.

Seek movement and there's no movement, stop rest and no-rest comes instead.
When rest and no-rest cease to be, then even oneness disappears.

This ultimate finality's beyond all laws, can't be described.
With single mind one with the Way, all ego-centered strivings cease;

Doubts and confusion disappear, and so true faith pervades our life.
There is no thing that clings to us, and nothing that is left behind.

All's self-revealing, void and clear, without exerting power of mind.
Thought cannot reach this state of truth, here feelings are of no avail.

In this true world of Emptiness both self and other are no more.
To enter this true empty world, immediately affirm "not-two".

In this "not-two" all is the same, with nothing separate or outside.
The wise in all times and places awaken to this primal truth.

The Way's beyond all space, all time, one instant is ten thousand years.
Not only here, not only there, truth's right before you very eyes.

Distinctions such as large and small have relevance for you no more.
The largest is the smallest too-- here limitations have no place.

What is is not, what is not is-- if this is not yet clear to you, you're still far from the inner truth.
One thing is all, all things are one-- know this and all's whole and complete.

When faith and Mind are not separate, and not separate are Mind and faith, this is beyond all words, all thought.
For here there is no yesterday, no today, no tomorrow.

The Ninth Precept

I was catching up with one of my Dharma Sisters' blogs, A Yogini in PDX-Land, and she had a very interesting post about the Ninth Precept, "Not to unleash anger, but to seek its source."

I appreciated this post. I seldom have that full-on rage either, but it is indeed the more subtle "frustration" I can acknowledge. I also find that women tend to use that word a lot: "Frustration." I sometimes like to respond by saying "...also known as anger..."

Generally, males have no problem expressing anger -- in fact, this often is the problem. Males will sometimes express anger when they are hurt or frightened. Whereas there are words -- lots of them -- for women who express anger.

I suppose I could make this into a problem. I could have a problem with this precept for that reason. But it is the second part of it that assuages that tendency: Seek its source. I am all for all of us doing that -- males and females.

Going Deeper

So speaking of frustration, I found myself very deeply in "Complaining Mind" at the last sesshin. Complaining Mind is a close relative of Judging Mind -- maybe even its offspring.

Judging Mind

It was a strange departure from the usual dance I do with the Inner Critic at every single sesshin. I found that using the same kinds of Voice Dialogue techniques that I use to work with the Inner Critic also worked well with the Complaining Mind.

I gave Ms. Complaining Mind a "Suggestion Box."

This was a hilarious way to let off some of the steam of not having everything exactly the way I wanted it to be:

"Dear Monastery Management, Please address this ongoing problem of so-and-so who is chanting too loudly and out of time with everyone else. I find it horribly distracting. Sincerely, Complaining Mind"

"Dear Monastery Management, The morning wake-up bell MUST be replaced. A softer and more pleasant tone would be far more appropriate. I look forward to your prompt attention to this crucial matter. Sincerely, Complaining Mind"

"Dear Monastery Management, I find that the coffee has absolutely no effect on my level of alertness in the mornings. Is it decaf? Please obtain a stronger brew immediately. Sincerely, Complaining Mind"

It was endless. But the Complaining Mind seemed to fall for it every single time! There would be a complaint bubbling up and taking form then ruminating and connecting with emotion, so I would find a nurturing voice inside to encourage C.M. to write it all down and put it in the Suggestion Box. She would very dutifully and sincerely do it -- every time! The box filled up. I began to envision the box having an "air-lock" in the back of it, as in Battlestar Galactica: "Put 'em out the air-lock!" and the people would open the back door of the spaceship and a Cylon or trash, or whatever would be sucked out into space -- into the emptiness.

I would "read" the huge list of suggestions, and imagine what the retreat would have been like if all of these had been implemented. I suspect it would look something like the life of an Emperor of China back in the day. Or maybe the later life of Elvis or some other super-famous person. Isn't there a fable about a person who gets everything they want... and they're still miserable? And then they go off and become enlightened...

For me, seeking the source of frustration takes me right back to the First Noble Truth: There is suffering. Or friction. Or stress. Or irritation. Or whatever you want to call it. Getting what you don't want, losing what you do what, and not getting what you want -- there it is. Suffering. When I cease my reacting to these complainy things, and just watch them, just feel them, look at them deeply and then see what happens -- they fade away, or they seem ridiculous, or what I am finding now is that I do not remember them! Seriously! I am trying to write this blog post, and I can't even remember what most of the hundreds of complaints even were.

Everything is alive. Everything is participating.

Hogen says that an insight is worth $5 and a cup of coffee. I think he says that so we don't get too attached to our insights when they come. So we don't go around thinking we have it all figured out.

click photo for source

No need to worry about that. I returned from my 10-day Sesshin knowing a lot less than I did before I went.

I have never practiced so hard. I was amazed at the ingenuity of my mind to engage me in thought, and always, before I knew it, I had slid off focus into a realm of dreamy thinking. Then bring it back to the practice: Breathe Buddha. Inhale 'Bu' and exhale 'Daaahhhh'. It was like heavy lifting -- repetitive weight training -- to build the muscles of mind-focus.

This was an active Sesshin. The Teisho, or daily Dharma talks, were calls to active focus and continuous practice in every activity beyond sitting as well. Hogen told a story of a rabbit in a woods, fleeing for its life, then accidentally running into a tree, killing itself right in front of a hunter who happened along. The hunter, pleased at his luck, thought they'd have rabbit again the next night, so he hunkered down in front of the same tree to wait for another rabbit to come along! The example was to illustrate that this was not the way to approach zazen -- passively -- but to be active and energetic in our practice.

click photo for source

I find that I do tend to bring a lot of energy to Sesshin. It's hard to adjust to the schedule, and I gather as much determination as I can to punch through those first few days of struggle. It is like most of the time, we are operating on battery-power. We go to Sesshin, the batteries wear down, and then we realize we are actually plugged into the wall. Connected.

Chozen has described that the usual ratio of thinking : awareness is like, 90 : 10. And all that thinking is what is wearing us down. Retreat allows that ratio to reverse. Such increased awareness and decreased thinking requires a lot less energy. Need for sleep and food diminish, the mind and senses sharpen, and the ability to see more clearly emerges. Practice is powerful technology.

It was like being in a group of hard core, experienced mountain-bikers, on a difficult mountain trek. Most of them were way ahead of me going up a heavily wooded and steep hill. Then, as we all approached the crest of the hill, Hogen would encourage us to keep pedaling on the downhill, and not slow down and coast! However my personal downhill slope still had lots of trees and obstructions in the way, and I was feeling a bit freaked out. Like I was doing it wrong.

click photo for source

Always I am pretty sure "I am doing it wrong." That is one of my greatest hits on the repetitive thought hit-parade. Although "What does everybody think of me?" has topped the charts, I believe, for decades now. "I am doing it wrong" is actually just a variation on "What does everybody think of me?".

In fact, I was able to organize an outline of the repetitive thoughts I experienced for ten days, they were so repetitive:

I. What is everybody going to think of me?
A. Oh My God, I'm doing it wrong
1. Rehearse
2. Replay
II. Judging
A. Making up stories
B. Guilt about judging
III. Miscellaneous
A. Repetitive songs
B. Sudden thoughts of hilarity
C. Sudden thoughts of catastrophe
1. Health status of geriatric dog at home
2. US / World politics and economics
3. Health / mental health status of husband currently working in US politics.

Every day at Sesshin, you get to go to Sanzen, a face-to-face meeting with the teacher. I think Sanzen means "reality-check" in Japanese (just kidding). On about day 3, I told Hogen I was feeling like neither the waiting hunter nor the chasing hunter, but the rabbit. He asked if I could feel my hands. Yes. Could I feel my feet? Left shoulder? Yes. Yes. Are you sure? Yes. Could I feel my breath? Yes. You're doing it. You're fine. It's nothing but this. He didn't say this, but I heard, "Don't even trip out."

So the next morning, what may have been one of the imports from China that had come to Great Vow Zen Monastery since our trip there had been to start the morning with fast walking, then bowing practice. Every morning we did 36 full-body bows, reciting the name of Kwan Yin, Bodhisattva of Compassion. Wonderful to have so much movement at 4:30am even to the point of breaking a sweat! Not only did that keep me warm for the first two 25-minute sitting periods, but it reminded me to be kind to myself as I was bringing my mind back to the practice.

click photo for source

I often utilize a practice I heard from Pema Chodron, about the importance of a kind tone when reminding ourselves to return to this moment. Their practice often consists of "labeling." When you notice yourself having a thought, you label it, by saying to yourself, "Thinking." When you notice yourself making a judgment, you label it by saying to yourself, "Judging." And of course, our mind and its Inner Critic can turn this meditation practice into a bludgeon. You can violently castigate yourself for "THINKING!" And you can just about roll your eyes and seethe in disgust at yet another "JUDGING!" And don't even get me started about judging my judging!

click photo for source

So Pema Chodron encourages us to maintain a kind tone. She tells a story in which she was teaching in Texas, and a man -- apparently a trucker -- came up to her and said he had taken her encouragement to heart. He would be driving long distances, practicing being in the moment, find himself thinking and then he would say to himself (with a gentle southern accent) "Thinkin' good buddy."

I use this technique a lot. So this is what I did. All. Day. One whole day. Thinkin' good buddy. Thinkin' good buddy. Thinkin' good buddy. And an occasional Judgin' good buddy for good measure. And it allowed me to settle into the practice. My practice, not anybody else's.

Then the next day that stopped working. The gentle touch was allowing my mind to slip and float and drift. I would find myself way way off in a complicated thought, or rehearsing! Geez, so much rehearsing! I would find myself rehearsing what I was going to say about my insights after the retreat. Never mind the fact that the retreat was less than a third of the way through. I realized I needed to bring a little more fire into returning to the practice. So I tried energetically saying "NO!" in my mind, and then returning to the practice. This worked, and was not at all a bludgeoning or criticism. It was simply what was needed. All. Day. That. Day.

I had housekeeping for work practice. I enjoy it. I actually like cleaning bathrooms (see previous blog post about cleaning bathrooms at Great Vow on my wedding day). We were all encouraged to practice continuously with the Buddha breath -- even during our work practice, noticing everything we could experience, every sensation, the hara and everything else, everything was Buddha.

I was able to breathe the Buddha breath out loud while vacuuming.

click photo for source

I would practice while scrubbing the toilets. Even that is Buddha? The dead bugs at the bottom of the men's urinals? Buddha? The gunk I pulled out of the drain in the women's gym showers? Buddha? No separation. Everything. It seemed kind of a mental exercise at times, but focusing on the breath, there left little room for thought.

Then at some point, when the days began to blend together and the practice began to practice me, during zazen Hogen added some inquiry: What breathes? What is alive? What is the source of this breath? What is the source of this life?

click photo for source

I remember sitting there and asking myself about this. What is breathing? Then I tried to stop my breath, and experienced the fact that I couldn't for very long. I would be breathing, like it or not. The breath breathes in spite of me. It breathes even when I forget to, which is most of the time. It breathes when I am sleeping. Something is breathing; something infinitely attentive and wise enough to take care of this amazing task and it's not "me". I began to get a slightly creepy feeling. I felt like I was in one of those horror movies when they call the babysitter and shout "The phone calls are coming from inside the house!" There's definitely something not "me" that's breathing, that's connected to and engaging with and welcoming life in this way. And then one day it will stop doing it in that way.

click photo for source

What is alive? I wondered as I brought a spoonful of vegetable soup to my mouth. I could see the carrots. Are the carrots that have been pulled out of the ground and chopped up and boiled "dead?" My body clearly says no. My body says they are alive. My body takes them in and they transform into my body. Alive. If they were in the compost bin, the earth would take them in and transform them into some other life. But they are no longer growing. They have arisen, existed, and are now disappearing and becoming some other thing that is arising. When do they stop being carrots? When to they become "me"? Can we "kill" them? Can we kill anything? Or do we just re-route the way the life is being expressed? Can we create life? I can see that we can cultivate life -- we can plant seeds and water them and foster a particular expression of life. Are my fingernails "dead?" No. At some point they will disintegrate and become something else. Is the gunk at the bottom of the shower dead? No. It, too will disintegrate and join the life of some other expression.
Everything is moving in this dance. Everything is constantly inter-relating. Thich Nhat Hanh calls it inter-being, and I can see this. I can see this even in the large rocks in the back of the Monastery that are going to become a Zen garden. The evidence is in the water marks carved in their sides. Even they are moving and breathing and transforming and participating in this dance. The same thing that breathes my belly is breathing the little frogs is moving the rocks is digesting the carrots is decomposing the compost... and on and on. And it's all alive, and it's all participating, and I can't find anything that isn't.