nothing to attain: Happy Anniversary

My spouse and I just celebrated our first Anniversary! I started this little essay a few days after we returned from our honeymoon, but it never quite came together. Now, after a year, it's finished. Here are my reflections on being a "Zen Bride", one year later:

It started innocently enough at a weekend relationship retreat at Great Vow Zen Monastery. Patrick and I had been dear friends for ten years, which then transformed into a solid romantic relationship for five years. Within that time, we bought a house together, graduated couples counseling together, and committed to each other, to our meditation practice, to honesty with each other, and to making sure our relationship wasn’t just going through the motions. Aware that a wedding does not make a marriage, we had heretofore simply declined to jump into the marriage pool.

Yet, when Chozen mentioned that the heart of a Zen wedding is about a couple’s vows to uphold the Buddhist Precepts together -- this awakened something in us. This spoke to our hearts and it made sense. What if we had a small ceremony with our families and friends, to publicly vow our commitment to our spiritual practice and to each other?

What is a Zen Wedding?

There are not many examples or templates by which to plan a Zen wedding. Chozen says this is because in Japan, the Shinto Priests retained the purview of weddings, leaving the Zen Priests to officiate the funerals. A friend of mine said that wedding traditions are comforting because everyone knows what they are supposed to do. So this non-traditional wedding placed us in a no-man’s land where neither we nor anyone else knew exactly what was “supposed” to happen. This not-knowing can be both freeing and a bit anxiety-provoking.

Of course, the entire wedding industry banks on this anxiety, and then promises to soothe it with products and services. It promotes grasping for something “special” and “perfect.” Setting up expectations for some kind of peak experience, we create endless opportunities for suffering by falling short:

“Your Special Day: Special Days Cars can make your special day even more special! ... Arrive in style on your special day”

“Your wedding shoes and wedding dress may both be perfect, but they still may not be perfect together. Here are some tips for insuring that your wedding shoes are a perfect match for the wedding dress you'll be wearing on the big day.”

Simply Googling “Zen Wedding” results in all kinds of breathless suggestions:

“To get you going on your own Zen-sual wedding, here are some things to consider … Strut your stuff in strappy sandals, a sleek red dress and dramatic hair-do.”

To counter the stress of trying to have the Perfect Special Day, apparently, many brides now turn to Zen… products.
For $8.95, you can buy a box of ZEN BRIDE:

“This new kit addresses the harried bride-to-be with Zen advice to focus on Mind, Body, Spirit, and Heart, and to stay grounded while attending to the details of the wedding day. The 32-page book contains aromatherapy suggestions and meditations, and is accompanied by two lavender bath balls, soothing lavender lotion, and a lavender tea candle.”

Or another book for $9.95 called Wedding Zen: Calming Wisdom for the Bride. This one has a whole chapter on "Dieting Dharma (or the middle weigh)."

But the ultimate in Zen Bride Wedding Preparation apparently comes from a spa. For $550.00 per week,

“We offer a wonderful, sensuous, relaxing program of cleansing and luxurious body care to make your wedding experience pure bliss.”

Their “Zen Bride Home Care Kit” happens to you each week, and includes: “
An hour of Relaxing Massage - to release muscle tension & fluid congestion. Yogasana Private Yoga Session - to relax the mind and focus the thoughts. Body Bath & Skin-Softening Body Scrub - to bring a healthy glow to the skin. French Rose Cream Treatment - the most intensive moisturizing treatment that will leave you petal soft and smelling of roses for days. The Organic Facial of your choice - choose the best food for your skin. For an additional fee, you can also choose from our menu of blissful options to help your Zen Bride emerge...”

Our actual ceremony was planned for 10am, despite the absence of French Rose Cream Treatment, strappy sandals, or even shoes. We stayed at the monastery overnight, and slept in until about 5am, when this alleged Zen Bride emerged and we went to meditate with the residents. I admit to getting caught in some wedding preparation undertow, managing numerous details over the past few weeks with a variable amount of grace. I would catch myself chasing some idea about the wedding and how it should or shouldn’t be, or how I should or shouldn’t be. All of that had been exhausting. Now there was nothing to do but sit.

After sitting and chanting service, temple cleaning duties were announced. I wondered if I would be exempt, since this was, according to numerous sources, My Special Day. I was then assigned to cleaning the bathrooms next to the Zendo. I smiled inside at the incongruence of this activity with the commercial ideals of what a Zen Bride should be doing four hours before her wedding.

Gathering the cleaning supplies and tools, I observed myself, toilet brush and scrubbing powder in hand. Zen Bride. I welcomed the physicality of the activity, helping to siphon off some of my nervous energy. What better way to “stay grounded while attending to the details of the wedding day?” I thought about the friends and family that would be attending, and my immense gratitude for their support throughout my lifetime. Giving them a clean bathroom was the least I could do. I noticed a welcome reprieve from obsessing about myself or the ceremony while focusing on putting some muscle into cleaning the toilet bowl ring. I got a break from craving some perfect outcome and from trying to avoid some imagined disaster or feelings of anxiety. I was just cleaning the bathroom.

During the ceremony, I endeavored to remain present in my body, in the room, in the moment.

I made a point of looking at each and every face in attendance. It was such a joyful honor to see our friends and family all together-- I was beaming at the sight of it-- when realized Hogen was introducing the Gatha of Atonement, and I thought, “Oops! I should probably look a little more contrite right about now.” I focused on the feeling of my feet on the floor when my mind started to overwhelm me with thoughts like these and more, and I just did my best to return to the natural unfolding of the day. And then it was over.

I don’t think I came very close to the Zen Brides of the books and products, if that is even possible. I was nervous, excited, trembling, tearful, joyful, irritated, tired, panicked and peaceful, sometimes all at once. The whole experience was quite intense, and I am so grateful Patrick and I were blessed with this opportunity to articulate our vows-- to support each other and our practice-- in this open-hearted and public way. I just can’t help but think that I may have stumbled onto a powerful fundraising opportunity.

Introducing… The Great Vow Zen Bride Kit! Start your Special Day right with a toilet brush, environmentally friendly spray cleaner, non-scratching polishing powder, paper towels made from recycled material, scrubby sponge, and rubber gloves…