The Challenge of Right Speech

"Right Speech" SoulCollage card

"Talk to each other, reason things out with someone else but let there be no gossip or criticism of one another."  

So goes part of the closing of a 12-Step meeting.  It is what I see practiced, for the most part, in so many humble church basement rooms.  While not a perfect program, and not for everyone, I have observed people changing their lives dramatically for the better, becoming more sane, empathetic, and grounded through the 12-Steps.  People do seem to live with this and many of the aspects of the program as a guide to doing less harm to our fellow travelers along the way. It is inspiring, and I wondered how a norm like this might be adopted in a Sangha, or in a life.

After all, we do have a few precepts about this.

Googling around, I found something:  The 21-Day Complaint-Free Challenge.  There is a book, a website, and some writings here and there on people's experiences with trying it out.  So, after reading a little of what was available for free online, I figured I got the concept, thought, 'I will take this up!'

And then I publicly said so on my Facebook page.  

This was before I quite realized the difficulty of what I was taking up.  You wear a purple silicone bracelet from the Complaint Free World people, or you can use a rubber band -- I am using mala beads.  You switch the bracelet to the other wrist with every verbal occasion of:

~ COMPLAINING ~ CRITICISM ~ SARCASM ~ GOSSIP ~

And with every switch, you start over at Day 1.  So it's not likely to be a 21-Day challenge, unless you're on a 21-day silent retreat.  It is, for most people, a 4-8 month challenge to accumulate 21 consecutive days that are complaint (and criticism and sarcasm and gossip) free! 

I caught myself complaining a few times the first day.  Then soon discovered it would be much harder to get to Day 2 than I had realized. Many times I caught myself complaining before 9am. I remained on Day 1 for about 9 days.  This is apparently a normal trajectory.    

I made it to Day 3 today before heading right back to Day 1.  

I have been sharing my progress (or lack thereof) with Facebook, but this may be a better venue for that.   

Welcome, again, to Day 1.

 

The Ninth Precept

I was catching up with one of my Dharma Sisters' blogs, A Yogini in PDX-Land, and she had a very interesting post about the Ninth Precept, "Not to unleash anger, but to seek its source."

I appreciated this post. I seldom have that full-on rage either, but it is indeed the more subtle "frustration" I can acknowledge. I also find that women tend to use that word a lot: "Frustration." I sometimes like to respond by saying "...also known as anger..."

Generally, males have no problem expressing anger -- in fact, this often is the problem. Males will sometimes express anger when they are hurt or frightened. Whereas there are words -- lots of them -- for women who express anger.

I suppose I could make this into a problem. I could have a problem with this precept for that reason. But it is the second part of it that assuages that tendency: Seek its source. I am all for all of us doing that -- males and females.

Going Deeper

So speaking of frustration, I found myself very deeply in "Complaining Mind" at the last sesshin. Complaining Mind is a close relative of Judging Mind -- maybe even its offspring.

Judging Mind

It was a strange departure from the usual dance I do with the Inner Critic at every single sesshin. I found that using the same kinds of Voice Dialogue techniques that I use to work with the Inner Critic also worked well with the Complaining Mind.

I gave Ms. Complaining Mind a "Suggestion Box."

This was a hilarious way to let off some of the steam of not having everything exactly the way I wanted it to be:

"Dear Monastery Management, Please address this ongoing problem of so-and-so who is chanting too loudly and out of time with everyone else. I find it horribly distracting. Sincerely, Complaining Mind"

"Dear Monastery Management, The morning wake-up bell MUST be replaced. A softer and more pleasant tone would be far more appropriate. I look forward to your prompt attention to this crucial matter. Sincerely, Complaining Mind"

"Dear Monastery Management, I find that the coffee has absolutely no effect on my level of alertness in the mornings. Is it decaf? Please obtain a stronger brew immediately. Sincerely, Complaining Mind"

It was endless. But the Complaining Mind seemed to fall for it every single time! There would be a complaint bubbling up and taking form then ruminating and connecting with emotion, so I would find a nurturing voice inside to encourage C.M. to write it all down and put it in the Suggestion Box. She would very dutifully and sincerely do it -- every time! The box filled up. I began to envision the box having an "air-lock" in the back of it, as in Battlestar Galactica: "Put 'em out the air-lock!" and the people would open the back door of the spaceship and a Cylon or trash, or whatever would be sucked out into space -- into the emptiness.

I would "read" the huge list of suggestions, and imagine what the retreat would have been like if all of these had been implemented. I suspect it would look something like the life of an Emperor of China back in the day. Or maybe the later life of Elvis or some other super-famous person. Isn't there a fable about a person who gets everything they want... and they're still miserable? And then they go off and become enlightened...

For me, seeking the source of frustration takes me right back to the First Noble Truth: There is suffering. Or friction. Or stress. Or irritation. Or whatever you want to call it. Getting what you don't want, losing what you do what, and not getting what you want -- there it is. Suffering. When I cease my reacting to these complainy things, and just watch them, just feel them, look at them deeply and then see what happens -- they fade away, or they seem ridiculous, or what I am finding now is that I do not remember them! Seriously! I am trying to write this blog post, and I can't even remember what most of the hundreds of complaints even were.