Remembrances

My dad is in the hospital again.  Congestive heart failure, diabetes, atrial fibrillation, severe overweight; he continues to live his life his way.  This second hospitalization within about a month has caused another layer of denial to fall away.  

We went to Florida in March to watch the Cardinals in Spring Training (so awesome).  My mom is likely still riding the high from that.

Say "David Freeeeese"

My dad really just wanted to go in the Ocean one more time.  

Shift

There's the story about the stone carver, skillfully, carefully tapping 99 times against a rock.  Then, on the 100th blow, the designated stone falls away.  I am sure I've heard it a million times about acceptance, but sitting with a visiting teacher, Arinna Weisman for a lovely weekend retreat recently, there was a shift.

She invited me to notice and appreciate not just the times I was connected to the practice (walking, breath, etc), but also the times I was not.  Inclusive. Accepting.

This has pervaded.  Zazen has felt like a safe place, a refuge, a place for there to be whatever there is unfolding, blossoming, changing.

Perhaps it is more noticeable in contrast to the past year or more trudging through the desert of Acedia with its blandness, its chores, and drudgery.

My husband in the Atlantic Ocean with his Pelican friends

Oh, the waters of compassion and acceptance; so large, so soothing.

Sunny St. Louis

It's funny to see my blog languishing after posting all about Acedia.  I think my blog has had a case of Acedia.  Actually, I am having a case of no-longer-on-Sabbatical, working, and raising a puppy.  My blog posts are usually too verbose for me to just fit a daily or weekly post.  This is what I am telling myself today.  I return to the blogspot world that has changed all its formatting, so hopefully this will be readable.

 Meet St. Louis.  We mostly call him "Louis."  We call him "St Louis" when he is being naughty,  which is just about never (Golden Retrievers). He was born right when the St. Louis Cardinals started winning again, and we took him home during the World Series 2011.

This is Louis at 6 months.  He is now 10 months old and a nearly 70-pound puppy!  Now that is a face you can tell all your problems to, eh?

Acedia IV - Spiritual Laziness or Dark Night of the Soul?

Acedia is sometimes simplistically referred to as spiritual laziness.  It is usually considered a vice; something we have more control over than, say, an illness like depression.  Its origins in the Christian monastic communities of the 3rd Century identified it as one of eight "bad thoughts", or obstacles to intensive contemplative practice.  It later got thrown in with Sloth, one of the Seven Deadly Sins.  


Is it just a vice?  Or is it part of the process of deepening spiritual practice?


Here are the "different ways in which acedia overcomes a monk"  and takes him off the path, by John Cassian, one of the Desert Fathers:

"AND so the wretched soul, embarrassed by such contrivances of the enemy, is disturbed, until, worn out by the spirit of acedia, as by some strong battering ram, it either learns to sink into slumber, or, driven out from the confinement of its cell, accustoms itself to seek for consolation under these attacks in visiting some brother, only to be afterwards weakened the more by this remedy which it seeks for the present. For more frequently and more severely will the enemy attack one who, when the battle is joined, will as he well knows immediately turn his back, and whom he sees to look for safety neither in victory nor in fighting but in flight: until little by little he is drawn away from his cell, and begins to forget the object of his profession, which is nothing but meditation and contemplation of that divine purity which excels all things, and which can only be gained by silence and continually remaining in the cell, and by meditation, and so the soldier of Christ becomes a runaway from His service, and a deserter, and "entangles himself in secular business," without at all pleasing Him to whom he engaged himself."

John Cassian shows us that acedia appears differently in different people.  It could look like a total retreat from activity, or it could look like an increase in activity or distraction.  One way or another, it pulls the practitioner away from meditation.  

St John of the Cross

Later in the 16th Century, St John of the Cross, a Carmelite (contemplative) monk wrote the poem called The Dark Night of the Soul, describing the process of Union with the Divine; a two-part process of purification.  The first part is sensory purification, the second (and more difficult) part is spiritual purification.  His writings describe the process as orchestrated directly by God, according to each person's readiness and ability.  


It is a weaning process, in which God titrates a practitioner from dependency on pleasurable experiences in spiritual practice, burning away the more selfish motives for practice, leaving the  practice of virtue for its own sake.  


From the translation by Mirabai Starr:

"Beginners may become bored with the very things that are the most deeply spiritual, which are the things that belie sensory satisfaction.  These souls are lazy.  They are addicted to sweetness in spiritual practice, impatient when they cannot find it.  For their own great good, God may withhold this gratification, to test and prove them.  Yet if even one time they reach out in prayer and do not come away with the delights they crave, they may not want to return to it.  They may abandon prayer altogether or go about it with serious reluctance...

It is clear how urgent the need beginners have for God to place them in the state of the adepts.  And he does this.  He leads them into the dark night.  Here is where he weans them from the breasts of personal pleasure, through pure aridity and inner darkness.  He removes all the gratuities and childish attachments and helps them acquire the virtues by very different means."

He goes on to more clearly differentiate laziness / acedia from the Dark Night:

"Internal aridities may not always be the result of the dark night of the soul.  Sometimes they arise from transgressions and imperfections, or from laziness and apathy, or from some other kind of bad humor or bodily weakness."  

He states that if it's part of a purification, then the dryness and lack of pleasure in spiritual practice will be global -- there is no escape anywhere, and other sensory distractions are not attractive or enjoyable either. 
   
On the path of deepening practice, there is also a pain and sadness for the loss of her former abilities.  This "purifying dryness holds within itself a longing, a passionate concern, and grief about not serving God."

This is caring about not caring.  In acedia, all caring is absent.

Acedia III: Jomon vs Acedia

The day after writing about wrestling with the demon of Acedia, my husband picked up the Spring issue of Tricycle magazine.  Inside is a wonderful article called Into the Demon's Mouth by Aura Glaser.  You'll have to pick up the magazine to read the article, and I strongly recommend that you do.  

Wrestling + Swords. 

Aura Glaser is a dharma teacher and psychotherapist.  This article is about deeply accepting our demons, not trying to eradicate them.  She tells the story of Milarepa, who, upon finding his cave full of demons, attacks them, trying to forcibly evict them.  His efforts seem to cause them to settle in more.  


He then decides to teach them the Dharma.  An indirect effort at changing the situation.  Still the demons just stare at him, and continue to make themselves more comfortable.  


So he gives up, and figures he's now got a few stinky roommates.  He surrenders to his situation, looks into each of their faces, and bowing, opens himself to whatever they have to teach him.  And suddenly they all disappear.  


Except one.  The meanest-looking, scariest demon of them all.  So he goes right up to this demon, and offers himself completely to the demon as a meal.  Only then does the demon dissolve.  

Not wrestling.  

Andrew Solomon titled his book about depression The Noonday Demon.  Acedia has been referred to by this moniker as well. Whereas most demons like to hide under cover of darkness, this is a demon that seems to be unaffected by the light of day.  It is unapologetic about its existence.  Seeing it clearly does not move it.  Having insight about it does not change it.  It doesn't even blink when presented with Dharma teachings!

I know what I need to do.  

And that does not make me do it. 

In her wonderful article, Aura Glaser even references one of my favorite quotes by Carl Jung:  "We don't become enlightened by imagining beings of light but by making the darkness conscious."  But she left out the rest of the quote:  "The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable, and therefore not popular." 


This is where Acedia and the Dark Night of the Soul might intersect.    

Acedia II

The term acedia was used first used in Christianity by monks and other ascetics who lived solitary lives, and were tempted to become listless and inert, or begin longing to be elsewhere or to do something other than what they were doing.  

Evagrius numbers acedia as one of the eight bad thoughts, and St. Thomas Aquinas (following Gregory the Great) numbers it as one of the seven capital vices (so-called because they are the source of many kinds of sin). Though related to depression, acedia is not considered entirely the same in the monastic and Christian tradition. It is usually seen as naming a fault, which is subject to one's will, rather than simply a psychological state. Acedia is to spiritual health something like what depression is to mental health.

From www.pathsoflove.com Catholic Vocation Discernment

Yep, before there were Seven Deadly Sins (take this test and find your faves!), there were Eight Bad Thoughts.  The first Christian monastics out in the desert in the 3rd Century CE were the ones who had the contemplative experience to perceive the subtlety of thought and intention as a precursor to unskillful action.  Then the Church just concerned itself with regulating behaviors, and Acedia got folded into Sloth. 





The monastics saw these states of mind as demons.  Acedia was considered the most dangerous of them all.  Sometimes it was referred to as the "Midday Demon" or "Noonday Demon."  This is a demon capable of powerful distraction from spiritual practice.  Using many different tools, and affecting the monastic in many different ways, this demon could sour the mind about the present place and community, or turn the mind towards the good old days of lay life.  

The demon of acedia which is also called the 'midday demon' is the worst of all...  First he makes it seem as though the sun hardly moves or has stopped, and the day goes on for fifty hours. Then he makes the monk fix his eyes continually on the window, to leave his cell, to watch the sun to see if it near the ninth hour, and to look about him to see if a brother is not coming. Then again he inspires in him disgust for the place where he is, for the life that he leads, for manual work. After that he puts into his head the idea that charity has disappeared from among the brethren, and there is no one to console him. 

If it happens during this time that someone offends the monk, the demon uses this too to increase his distress. He prompts him to desire to live elsewhere, in a place where he can find what he needs more easily, follow a less arduous calling and one which brings greater success. He then suggests that it is not the place which pleases the Lord; according to the Bible God can be adored everywhere. 

On top of all this, he recalls to the monk's memory his family and the life he led in the world. He puts into his head the idea that life lasts a long time and asceticism is very laborious. In short he does all he can to persuade the monk abandon his cell and run away from the struggle.No other demon follows close upon the heels of this one (when he is defeated) . If the soul triumphs a state of peace and inexpressible joy comes over him.     

Evagrius Ponticus (345-399) The Praktikos

Is Acedia depression?  The Dark Night of the Soul?  Burnout?  What is the opposite of Acedia? Am I willing to wrestle with this demon?  


These are just a few of the questions to share.  I hope to hear how this phase in practice is for you.  

Acedia I

I had to go back and see... how long has it been?  


It started sneaking in around the edges in May.  Meh.  I forgot about the boredom.  Blamed my 40th birthday in October as the starting point for all this drought and aversion.  Or maybe it was the transition to our new Temple.  But it was setting in before, right in the midst of Spring beauty and blossoms, just the start of a trip into the desert.  


"Acedia (also accidie or accedie, from Latin acedĭa, and this from Greek ἀκηδία, negligence) describes a state of listlessness or torpor, of not caring or not being concerned with one's position or condition in the world. It can lead to a state of being unable to perform one's duties in life. Its spiritual overtones make it related to but distinct from depression. Acedia was originally noted as a problem among monks and other ascetics who maintained a solitary life." ~Wikipedia

Hogen-San assigned me to report about acedia for our last Sanghakai meeting.  No accident there.  And I ended up writing him a long email about how I don't have acedia.  That it's more probably a mild depressive episode.  It must be so amusing to be a Teacher sometimes.      


My initial reluctance to claim this was its connection to sloth, aka "spiritual laziness".  This causes my Puritan DNA to get mighty self-righteous and defensive.  Greedy?  Yes. Ignorant?  Yes.  Heck, murderous sometimes.  Anything but lazy!  I still care about not caring!             

Nope, I'm in the desert of acedia all right.  Am I in the middle of it?  Almost out?  I can't see the edges from within.  No way to know.  Apparently all of us on the Path have to go through this.  Care to share your map?  A little water?