Distinguishing Comfort and Discomfort

It's off to Sesshin tomorrow, and with it, the mild obsession shaded with gentle tones of dread about Being Uncomfortable. I should just add it to my packing list: "Mild Dread About Being Uncomfortable." Check. Because there it always is in some form or another.

There have been some posts looking at renunciation on Dangerous Harvests and No Zen in the West that have been powerful. I read a quote (somewhere sometime) on renunciation by Ajahn Amaro. He says that there is some sadness in renunciation, but also such joy as we let go of old ways of being, and embrace more wholesome ways. Or some such.

It led me to recall one Sesshin which happened to fall during the St. Louis Cardinals World Series. MY Beloved St Louis Cardinals! Missing it was a mild bummer, but it turned out that I really had no interest in trading the opportunity to sit Sesshin for the ability to watch the series. It rather just gently fell away.

There is a line in Shantideva's Way of the Bodhisattva that I've been carrying (and meant to really flesh out in some fancy big blog post) that compares the renunciation of letting go of non-virtuous actions to the experience of a person condemned to death row, then who is suddenly spared and only has their hand cut off instead. Whatever we are giving up, whatever discomforts we are experiencing is really nothing compared to the misery and suffering that we would have if we chose NOT to walk this path.

And in not at all unrelated news, I'll also be carrying Jeanne (aka the Dalai Grandma) and her living kidney donor Laura, in my heart, with best wishes that their kidney transplant surgery went as well as can be for both of them yesterday. May they and all of us be well.

Dharma Dogs

We interrupt this very serious post about Shantideva's Way of the Bodhisattva to bring you the latest in very skillful four-legged Bodhisattvas:

What would you have said?

I went to a downtown frame shop to frame some prints for my office. I work right in the heart of downtown, now, which is a HUGE shift from the rural ville of 3,000 or so folks where I worked for 9 years.

Making small talk with the framer about the destination of these prints, and my recent transition got him talking about working downtown too, and we went way beyond appreciating Portland's weirdness when he started going on about how aggressive the panhandlers are, and how soft Portland is on them. There had been an article in the city paper some weeks ago with the headline "Would Rudy Giuliani Put Up With This?" or something. He even went in the back room to get the paper, to show me how he thought the ostensibly homeless fellow in the cover photo even had an iPhone. To be fair, his issue was with people he thought were not in fact needy or homeless, but were merely affecting the lifestyle -- young people with ripped clothing and very expensive guitars.

Diane Eshin Rizzetto in her book Waking Up To What You Do, discusses the Precepts like a lighthouse. It doesn't tell you what to do or not do; it alerts you to dangerous waters. You are free to change course, or, if needed, proceed to shore with caution. It is there to remind you to Look! Listen! Pay attention!

So I've waded into this conversation, and I can see and hear the lighthouse image! Wonderful! Now what? Well, she advises us (during or after the interaction) to check our body sensations, emotions, and try to tease out the story that we are telling ourselves.

Body sensations - a little tension in the muscles, a little fidgety, eyes wandering more.

Emotions - a little anxious.

Thoughts - Wanting to connect with this guy, and also not wanting to denigrate a whole population of people in the process.

So now what? Change the subject? I am really terrible at that. I think I said some mild thing like 'Gosh, it's really something we have to work with all the time, huh. ' Not my finest hour, but also not playing into a conversation I probably would have felt worse about later.

What would you have said?

My husband is the frontrunner on this question: "Yeah, that iPhone probably made him homeless! AT&T and all their charges!"

Now I Atone For It All

It's a good thing I had a few days to reflect on this searching and fearless moral inventory. The workbook I used listed many open questions on each of the following topics:

Honesty, Love, Maturity, Sex, Fear, Anger, Self-Worth, Responsibilities, Finances, Gratitude, and more. Daunting, but so helpful!

So what comes of setting aside a few days to reflect on one's strengths and shortcomings? After a few days of writingwritingwriting on these subjects, it turns out there is a lot more right with me than there is wrong with me. This is no surprise -- to anyone who doesn't carry my driver's license. Actually going through the whole process was key to seeing this clearly. To be open to it all, positive, negative, neutral, and to remain in non-judgmental stance as much as possible. When we're afraid to look, the challenges can loom large -- like a monster in the closet. But opening the door and shining a flashlight reveals it was just a coat.

There weren't really any big surprises, just a wonderful opportunity to focus, and to begin moving more deeply into practicing with the Precepts. From here, I have decided to focus more on the Precepts pertaining to Right Speech.

One of the many great things about this retreat was that I got to create my own structure and container. Another great thing was that I actually worked with the Dharma books I brought (as opposed to hauling them around out of worry that I would lack something to do). Mostly I read and worked with Waking Up to What You Do, a wonderful book on applying the Precepts in our lives by Diane Eshin Rissetto. This book deserves a whole post of its own. One of the things I love about it is her re-ordering of the Precepts, and her use of language in the positive. For example, "I Take Up the Way of Speaking of Others With Openness and Possibility." "I Take Up the Way of Meeting Others on Equal Ground."

I also worked with No Time to Lose, A Timely Guide to the Way of the Bodhisattva by Pema Chodron,

and The Heart of Being by Daido Loori.

All of these focused to some degree or another on the Precepts, and I really enjoyed seeing the overlaps in the 12-Step process and the Precepts, since this is the first time I have done such a structured 4th Step (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves) since I started practicing Buddhism.

And of course, I'm not done; the 4th Step is followed by the 5th Step (Admitted to our Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs).

There is something spiritually universal or archetypal around this template of self-assessment, confession, atonement, and rededication. How wonderful that we do not have to reinvent the wheel of how to live a decent human life. It only occurred to me yesterday that this retreat happened to fall during Yom Kippur. I appreciate James Ford's post about Yom Kippur and the importance of ever-returning to such practices as atonement and rededication as an integral part of the path to peace.

Shantideva spends a lot of time doing what Pema Chodron calls "Preparing the Ground" for being a Bodhisattva. This includes atonement. She writes,

Rather than hiding our mistakes from ourselves and others, we forthrightly declare them. By acknowledging them to ourselves, we avoid self-deception. In certain circumstances we may also declare them to someone else, as witness to our wise intention.

To see clearly how we strengthen or weaken crippling patterns, we have to bring them to light... You may ask, "Isn't it enough to acknowledge my regrets to myself?" It does help a lot, but not enough to completely dissolve self-deception. When we express our regrets to the buddhas or another human being, we can't kid ourselves. As an act of self-compassion and self-respect, we use a witness to expose ourselves to ourselves...

The practice of confession... relies on the view that neurosis, while it may feel monolithic or immutable, is essentially transitory and insubstantial. It is just very strong energy that we mistakenly identify as a solid and permanent "me". Confessing, like making offerings and prostrations, helps us let go of this fixed version of who we are.

A friend in the 12 Steps said the 4th Step and 5th Steps are like flushing the toilet. What if you never did that at home, and instead chose to ignore or pretend there was no need? What if you flushed once and said, 'Whew! Glad that's overwith.' No, we have to deal with our "shit" on a daily basis. And being full of shit is not a problem unless we are not recognizing it and acting accordingly.

I admit to some resistance to the process, though, which I think is pretty natural. My resistance showed up in at least one amusing way. I had decided that Friday Morning After Breakfast would be when I would start writing. I brought my workbook and little tote bag of other books into the peace and quiet of the Lodge library, crawled into an overstuffed couch, and found myself not writing, but reading. Reading the first chapter of Eshin's book, which was on Honesty. Well the first workbook writing would be about Honesty, so I guessed a little preliminary reading was OK. And ahh, the geothermally supplied warmth of the radiators! The comfort of the sound of gently falling rain outside! Yep, I was instantly and completely overcome by a drooling NAP. Fell sound asleep whilst reading Waking Up to What You Do. It would have been a marvelous photo.

These aggressive naps overtook me throughout the process just prior to starting out another session of writing. And it's not like I'm tired. I have not been this well-rested and stably energetic in quite a while. No, these were psychological / emotional naps. And I didn't make a big deal about it, I would just wake up, mop the drool, and begin the next writing session perhaps even a little more refreshed and focused.

More on the Way of the Bodhisattva soon.

A Monastic Life in a Day

Heyall,

I have returned, and will post some about personal retreat, but first, here is a great video from my friend Sam, who is currently a resident at Great Vow Zen Monastery.

I like how the first 70% or so of the video is the morning routine. I suspect it simply feels that way, when you're starting at 3:50am.

Thanks for being awesome, Sam!

GOOOOOOOOOAL!!!

I'm doing it for my friend Stacey. Magnanimously laying aside my weekend to accompany her to the gorgeous retreat center of Breitenbush, while she experiences her first meditation retreat. What a friend I am, eh? She'll be participating in the Women's Vipassana Retreat with Julie Wester that I attended some years ago (and wrote about here), and ever since, each year, entreat my non-meditating women friends to go, go, go! Stacey is the first one who has taken me up on it.

I'll be there on personal retreat, so, holding my own container and schedule.

A day or two ago, in preparation, I glanced towards an old friend, The Woman's Retreat Book by Jennifer Louden. I say glanced, because I just read a chapter section title called "Intention." My thoughts went something like this: "Oh yeah, intention! She says this is the key to a retreat. So lemme formulate some intentions: I'm gonna do my 4th Step writing. I'm gonna soak first thing in the morning and I'm gonna do yoga every day before breakfast. Intentions! Set! Check! Done!"

Then I actually read this part of the book again. Um, turns out those were goals, not intentions.

She actually advises that an intention be stated in the form of a question (insert Jeopardy! joke here). For example: "For the next 24 hours I intend to be kind to myself." vs. "For the next 24 hours I intend to ask, 'How can I be kinder to myself?"

A statement can feel like a should. A question still articulates some longing, but continues to allow for not-knowing and discovery. Some rather important elements on retreat.

Louden goes on to say, "Intention is an aim that guides action. A goal, by contrast, is the purpose toward which an endeavor is directed. Intention is gentle and keeps you in the moment, focused on unfoldment. Goal is driven and keeps you in the future, focused on finishing, doing it all, doing it right... The word intention comes from the Latin root intendere, meaning "to stretch toward something."

Well that changes things.

I continue to have a goal to write my 4th step using the amazing AlAnon workbook on the subject. This is really about taking some time to look deeply at my strengths and weaknesses (this workbook makes sure not to leave out the strengths), and taking a non-judgmental stance towards this inventory. Perhaps it is an intention about clarity. "How can I see myself more clearly?"

And then from that, another question arises: "How are the Precepts being expressed in my life?" and "How can I express the Precepts more fully?"

I continue to have the goal for daily yoga, but perhaps that may be just about the simple act of stretching towards something. Or maybe even just stretching for stretching's sake. Y'know: Nothing to attain.

Stats!

Oh dear. I have just discovered something that is apparently new to blogspot: Stats. When did they add stats? Or have I just been blissfully ignorant of them all this time?

I've read many a post from you other-kind-of-blog bloggers about your practice with stats: How many hits have I gotten? Who's reading my blog? Why was that post popular and that post wasn't? What search terms are people using to get to my blog? Kloncke wrote a great post about this, and even created StatDragons to illustrate the weekly ups and downs of feedback from blog hit statistics. I have always been grateful that I hadn't the same ability to check and check and check: How am I doing? What does everybody think of me?

Now I do.

So observing myself observing the numbers, learning features of the stats application, like being able to see the different countries from whence the hits have come (hey there, Estonia!); this seems fine. It's the Olympic-level jumping to conclusions, the interpretations, the stories being generated about what it all means about me that starts to feel potentially problematic.

So I'll try to balance this shocking new option for self-obsession with a morsel from Pema Chodron's No Time to Lose: A Timely Guide to the Way of the Bodhisattva, in which she combs through and comments upon each line of Shantideva's Way of the Bodhisattva, a text written in the eighth century, and no less relevant this very minute.

6.93

Children can't help crying when

Their sand castles come crumbling down.

Our minds are so like them

When praise and reputation start to fail.

"We invest so much energy into getting people to admire us, but our reputations, like everything else, are as impermanent as sand castles, and attachment to them causes so much unnecessary pain.

There's a Charlie Brown cartoon that shows Lucy building an elaborate sand castle, saying proudly, "And a thousand years from now, people will see what I did here today and be totally amazed." It's this nonsensical attitude that Shantideva addresses here.

Better to regard yourself as a character in a play. You can take the part of a person who's famous or admired, without taking this identity too seriously. If praise and reputation are as fragile as sand castles, it's realistic to not be disturbed when they pass away with the changing tides. Then you can build a magnificent sand castle, covered with beautiful shells and stones. You can even get people to help you and enjoy it thoroughly, and when the waves come in, out it goes."

sand castle originally uploaded by Ben Amstutz