A Monastic Life in a Day

Heyall,

I have returned, and will post some about personal retreat, but first, here is a great video from my friend Sam, who is currently a resident at Great Vow Zen Monastery.

I like how the first 70% or so of the video is the morning routine. I suspect it simply feels that way, when you're starting at 3:50am.

Thanks for being awesome, Sam!

GOOOOOOOOOAL!!!

I'm doing it for my friend Stacey. Magnanimously laying aside my weekend to accompany her to the gorgeous retreat center of Breitenbush, while she experiences her first meditation retreat. What a friend I am, eh? She'll be participating in the Women's Vipassana Retreat with Julie Wester that I attended some years ago (and wrote about here), and ever since, each year, entreat my non-meditating women friends to go, go, go! Stacey is the first one who has taken me up on it.

I'll be there on personal retreat, so, holding my own container and schedule.

A day or two ago, in preparation, I glanced towards an old friend, The Woman's Retreat Book by Jennifer Louden. I say glanced, because I just read a chapter section title called "Intention." My thoughts went something like this: "Oh yeah, intention! She says this is the key to a retreat. So lemme formulate some intentions: I'm gonna do my 4th Step writing. I'm gonna soak first thing in the morning and I'm gonna do yoga every day before breakfast. Intentions! Set! Check! Done!"

Then I actually read this part of the book again. Um, turns out those were goals, not intentions.

She actually advises that an intention be stated in the form of a question (insert Jeopardy! joke here). For example: "For the next 24 hours I intend to be kind to myself." vs. "For the next 24 hours I intend to ask, 'How can I be kinder to myself?"

A statement can feel like a should. A question still articulates some longing, but continues to allow for not-knowing and discovery. Some rather important elements on retreat.

Louden goes on to say, "Intention is an aim that guides action. A goal, by contrast, is the purpose toward which an endeavor is directed. Intention is gentle and keeps you in the moment, focused on unfoldment. Goal is driven and keeps you in the future, focused on finishing, doing it all, doing it right... The word intention comes from the Latin root intendere, meaning "to stretch toward something."

Well that changes things.

I continue to have a goal to write my 4th step using the amazing AlAnon workbook on the subject. This is really about taking some time to look deeply at my strengths and weaknesses (this workbook makes sure not to leave out the strengths), and taking a non-judgmental stance towards this inventory. Perhaps it is an intention about clarity. "How can I see myself more clearly?"

And then from that, another question arises: "How are the Precepts being expressed in my life?" and "How can I express the Precepts more fully?"

I continue to have the goal for daily yoga, but perhaps that may be just about the simple act of stretching towards something. Or maybe even just stretching for stretching's sake. Y'know: Nothing to attain.

Stats!

Oh dear. I have just discovered something that is apparently new to blogspot: Stats. When did they add stats? Or have I just been blissfully ignorant of them all this time?

I've read many a post from you other-kind-of-blog bloggers about your practice with stats: How many hits have I gotten? Who's reading my blog? Why was that post popular and that post wasn't? What search terms are people using to get to my blog? Kloncke wrote a great post about this, and even created StatDragons to illustrate the weekly ups and downs of feedback from blog hit statistics. I have always been grateful that I hadn't the same ability to check and check and check: How am I doing? What does everybody think of me?

Now I do.

So observing myself observing the numbers, learning features of the stats application, like being able to see the different countries from whence the hits have come (hey there, Estonia!); this seems fine. It's the Olympic-level jumping to conclusions, the interpretations, the stories being generated about what it all means about me that starts to feel potentially problematic.

So I'll try to balance this shocking new option for self-obsession with a morsel from Pema Chodron's No Time to Lose: A Timely Guide to the Way of the Bodhisattva, in which she combs through and comments upon each line of Shantideva's Way of the Bodhisattva, a text written in the eighth century, and no less relevant this very minute.

6.93

Children can't help crying when

Their sand castles come crumbling down.

Our minds are so like them

When praise and reputation start to fail.

"We invest so much energy into getting people to admire us, but our reputations, like everything else, are as impermanent as sand castles, and attachment to them causes so much unnecessary pain.

There's a Charlie Brown cartoon that shows Lucy building an elaborate sand castle, saying proudly, "And a thousand years from now, people will see what I did here today and be totally amazed." It's this nonsensical attitude that Shantideva addresses here.

Better to regard yourself as a character in a play. You can take the part of a person who's famous or admired, without taking this identity too seriously. If praise and reputation are as fragile as sand castles, it's realistic to not be disturbed when they pass away with the changing tides. Then you can build a magnificent sand castle, covered with beautiful shells and stones. You can even get people to help you and enjoy it thoroughly, and when the waves come in, out it goes."

sand castle originally uploaded by Ben Amstutz

Echoes (All Over the World)

"Echoes" performed by Dar Williams. Lyrics by Jules Shear.

Every time you love just a little

Take one step closer, solving the riddle

It echoes all over the world

Every time you opt in to kindness

Make one connection, used to divide us

It echoes all over the world

Every time you choose one more morning

Goodness or meanness, life has one warning

It echoes all over the world

When a leader gets the hungry fed food

When you just make love inside your bedroom

It echoes all over the world

MBBR: Mindfulness-Based Bus Riding

Untitled by Ian Sane

Riding the bus every day just seriously rocks. I am not kidding. This after 9 years of a 45-minute-one-way commute in the car. Now I have a 20-minute-each-way bus ride every day. I have been folding it right into practice, or rather, it has been offering me some practice opportunities. Here are some Mindfulness-Based Bus Riding (MBBR)* practices I have been enjoying:

Just Getting on the Schedule: Yes, there's a schedule and technology to help track each bus' moves to the minute, but still, the bus is on its schedule, not mine, and adjusting myself to that schedule is a change. Not being in the drivers seat moves me one more welcome degree away from the center of the universe.

Driver Practice: Watching the attentive eyes of the drivers take in the road, the periphery, the doors, and the passengers, around and around, over and over. Just maneuvering these mammoth beasts throughout town is a remarkable skill. Some of the drivers are anxious and cranky, some of them are incredibly cheerful and open. Appreciating their training not just in the technical aspect of the job, but in how each of their personalities and their millions of interactions with the passengers sets a tone on their bus that is palpable.

Love Bus: Metta Practice is perfect for the bus. My friend Gensho and I spent an afternoon practicing Metta on MAX, the light rail train (see Lovingkindness to the MAX). The bus is a rolling metal tube hurtling people through town, and it can be filled with a powerful heart-wish for each and all the beings on it to be free from fear and anxiety, to be at ease, to be deeply happy.

TriMet: A Bus in Downtown Portland by Trimet

Bodhisattva Detective: The bus can call up images of human suffering, and suffering is certainly there, but the bus can also be full of moments of human grace. People moving aside to share a seat, people giving genuine attention to relative strangers talking about the health and lives of their families, the young African American man who jumped off the bus to take the hand of the blind woman and escort her all the way into her doctor's office (she was having some difficulty navigating the corner, and the driver was trying to verbally help her for some time). It's easier to find these Bodhisattvas when you're looking for them.

Body Scan: This can be difficult, as the bus is full of so many distractions. So there's always the option to sit down and cue up a body scan meditation on the iPod. What if we all did this?

This is my preliminary list. I hope to add more practices. Anyone else have their own Mindful Bus Practices? Or anything similar?

*apologies to Jon Kabat-Zinn and the Center for Mindfulness

The Attitude of Gratitude

Ain't just a platitude.

Experiencing life post-Sabbatical. I am so happy and grateful, it is way bigger than me. Turns out I really do enjoy my work as a clinical social worker, especially when it's not like drinking out a firehose. I used to say that I loved my work at the county, but there was just so darn much of it.

I just called my old supervisor the other day, and she said she couldn't believe it had only been a year that I'd been gone; that it seemed like 10 years. A lot happens there in a day. There's a reason people count their time in dog years.

It has been such a gift and an honor to focus on clients again. And keeping the focus on me, too.

I suspect the big changes in my diet and other health-related practices has also given me a boost to some degree. It certainly was a major change. I remember just feeling an energetic floor one day. Nice. And impermanent.

Social work is my trade, and I am very grateful that I have not had to stop practicing it. Especially at a point in my career when I have a little seasoning. I like to think it's about to get really interesting now.

I was describing the difference to someone -- that instead of treading water, it's more like water ballet.

Also I have an inordinate amount of gratitude about getting to ride the bus every day. Bus Practice is its own blog post, perhaps coming soon.

Here's a little clip from one of my top three favorite movies of all time, Stuart Smalley Saves His Family. It's such an affectionate sendup of the 12-Step programs and their wonderful slogans that only a self-depricating codependent insider could accomplish.

The attitude of gratitude -- it ain't just a platitude.

Interview with a Buddhist Blogger: Adam Flies Like a Crow

What a fun project, and no better way for me to return from a l'il blogging hiatus. Another gift from Nate at Precious Metal: An interview swap around the BuddhoBlogosphere. Thanks for continuing to be so dang awesome, Nate! Check all the interviews out here. I was fortunate to be paired with Adam from Fly Like a Crow. Here, we recovering-Midwesterners-gone-West-Coast share all over the map about our lives and practice. And hey! Musical accompaniment!

Do you feel that relocation from the Midwest has figured into your transition into Buddhist practice in any way?

I was born in Michigan, and spent the next 20 years of my life there. I always had a burning desire to get the hell out of Michigan, and when the itch could no longer be scratched by dreams alone I packed up and headed out West. Literally, I just packed up a couple of bags and left. First I wound up in Vancouver, B.C. The liberal nature of Vancouver and Canada appealed greatly to me at the time, but I found the city to be really, really dirty. Sure there were nice parts and such, but it just didn’t feel right. So I headed back down to Seattle and eventually found work and my beautiful wife. For me the entire trip and my motivations for leaving were of a profoundly spiritual nature. Spiritual, but not religious per say. Think Into the Wild, but more like Into the Rain.

When I moved out West, I knew that a new spiritual path would find me, I just didn’t know what. Well, along came this knock-out gorgeous girl (I still don’t know why she puts up with me…) that had these crazy pagan tattoos on her arms and read tarot cards and BAM! I was in love.



I had only been vaguely familiar with many of the earthy European “pagan” religious beliefs before I met Alex, and she opened me up to a whole ‘nother world in respect to those beliefs. But something about it still didn’t feel… complete. I still hold some of those beliefs and values today, but focus on the particulars less. It was when we were living in Bellingham and she stared to talk about her time practicing as a Nichiren Buddhist as a youth that put a bug in my ear. I started looking at Buddhism, and I read about the Four Noble Truths, and that was it. I knew, knew that Buddhism was for me. If I hadn’t moved out West, I have no idea what spiritual path I’d be on now.

Do you come from Midwestern farm stock, and / or suffer from the Protestant Work Ethic as well?

Oh god yes. My Father has worked for GM his whole life, his father owned his own HVAC company. My other Grandfather was a factory worker his whole life. The industrial reality of life was instilled in me at an early age. There was always “work” to be done, even at 4 and 5 years old. And while I didn’t live on a farm, I worked on a sugar beet farm for a couple of summers. I’d walk up and down the rows of beets hacking away at weeds from sunup to 4pm earning $2 an hour. All so I could save up enough cash to replace the retainer that I lost. Thanks Dad.

Tell me about your spiritual background - were you raised in any spiritual tradition?

During my time in Michigan, I was raised in a relaxed Lutheran church. No fire, no brimstone. It was more about choir, meaningful sermons and monthly potlucks than saving souls and damning non-believers. But the belief system never really clicked with me. I think it was when I first learned about dinosaurs that something in my head went “hmm… wait a minute…” I tried and tried, but Christianity never really fit me. I suppose I’ve never really felt a need for God.

Any childhood moments of realization?

Funny you should ask. Lately during meditation, memories have begun to surface that I had never really paid much attention to before. I’ve been remembering that at an early age, for a time I was obsessed with mind, and what it was. There were a couple of moments I recall where time seemed infinite and minute all at once, where there was no chatter in my head and I seemed to “float” in my own consciousness or something. It’s hard to describe considering it happened over 15 years ago. But I remember it bringing up questions like: Why was I able to observe the ego-voice in my head? Were there two Adams? But if I could also notice that I was able to notice that “ego-voice”, how many levels could this continue on for? Would there always be “someone” watching that voice in my head that was watching the watcher that was watching the watcher etc…..

Eventually I think I just stopped contemplating about all that. I figured if I thought about such things long enough, eventually I’d end up in a room with padded walls somewhere.

You started with Nichiren. What is your primary practice these days? Chanting? Meditation? Are you still unaffiliated? You’re purt near One Drop Zendo and Shodo Harada Roshi (my Teachers’ Teacher)! Have you been? And are you considering dipping a toe into retreat practice? (I understand this may be something for later in life, esp now with baby #2 coming along - congratulations!)

(I felt like I could answer all of these questions at once, since they’re all closely related) I’ve posted before about how I’ve recently left SGI (and my time spent there) so I won’t bore you with that again. My practice that I’m crafting now doesn’t really fall into any tradition. This isn’t on purpose, me trying to “go rouge” or anything. I simply don’t have reasonable access to a “real-life” dharma center or sangha (getting to the One Drop Zendo would be at least a 2 hour commute one way that would involve a ferry ride). There are some other cool places about 1-2 hours away, but I don’t have the means or time to make that happen. I work 40+ hours per week. When I get home, it’s time for my son’s dinner, then bath, then story time, then bed. That gives my wife and I-2 (maybe 3) hours of “alone” time to do dishes, sweep the floor, fold laundry, and maybe try to squeeze in a movie on Netfilx in. If I were to drive the 1-2 hours it takes to get to one of the Buddhist centers, participate, and then drive back, I wouldn’t see my wife or son pretty much all day except for the 30 minutes I spent with them in the morning. Not only do I not want to live that way, it would put a huge and unnecessary burden on my wife. So for now, what I do is nightly I do some stretches. I am extremely inflexible and can’t even think about doing full-lotus, so that’s where I start. I’m also not as active as I once was, so I take this time to do some push-ups and sit-ups, get the heart rate up and a little sweat going. Then I sit in front of my alter/butsudon, and recite the Gatha of Atonement and the 5 remembrances 3 times each. Then, I meditate for 20 minutes. I study daily as well. Right now I’m working with The Wings to Awakening. I have about 20 books on my shelf in queue that I really want to dig into, including some on Zen.

As far as a tradition goes, I haven’t really settled upon one. There are parts of Therevada that call out to me, but lately Zen has been tugging on my shirt sleeve as well. Particularly your tradition, Rinzai (I’m also a bit intrigued by Ch’an). There is something about the use of koans that really speaks to me. Jaye from Digital Zendo shot me with one a couple of weeks ago. In Zen there are the 10 Ox Herding pictures. For me the idea of using a koan is like grabbing the bull by the horns and wrestling him to the ground. It’s like combat for your mind. At least that was my first experience with it. I’m probably wrong.

Call me a fundy, but the older Pali cannon speaks to me more so than the Mahayana. I’m just not a fan of some of the imagery used, as well as some of the language or the idea that some of the Buddha’s teachings were somehow provisional that you find in Mahayana. That’s not to say that I don’t love the Heart Sutra or some of the other Mahayana texts though.

On the other hand, the Pali cannon is a labyrinth to navigate, especially for someone with no access to a real-life teacher such as myself. Also I feel that I’d never be able to dedicate enough time to any kind of real jhana practice. I have other issues and things I like about each tradition. I haven’t decided which particular path to pursue. For now I stretch, sit with the breath, and study.

Retreats? Maybe eventually. Maybe a day-long or a two day weekend retreat. I just couldn’t imagine using my 1-2 weeks of vacation/year to ditch my kids to go sit in a room somewhere. I’d rather head to the redwoods and go camping with them.

Buddhism and Parenting: Discuss!

Oh boy! Certainly we want to raise our son (and soon to arrive daughter) to be spiritual people, whatever form that takes. I have no idea what’s going to happen when they get older when it comes to religion. I’m sure we’ll teach them about all our influences, (be they Pagan, New Age, Buddhist or whatever we choose to pick off the shelf) but in what structure, I don’t yet know. Right now my son Corbin really likes grabbing my tiny Hotei statue off the shelf and running around with it (he calls him “happy face Booo-dah”). That works for now I suppose.

Can you say more about your lovely spouse and how your practices co-exist, the support for each others' practice, etc.

We’ve been working on that lately, trying to figure it all out.

Pick yer poison: Which of the five hindrances come up most for you?

Two of the biggest obstacles I face (and two of the reasons I felt Buddhism was the right path for me) are two of the 5 hindrances. The first being sloth/torpor/boredom. I’m lazy. Not like Momma from What’s Eating Gilbert Grape lazy, but lazy nonetheless. I have issues being motivated to do the simplest of things, even when I know how beneficial they are. I’d like to blame TV or my Father for going to far in instilling the Protestant work ethic in me to a point that I rebelled against it, but I can’t. The fault lies with me and me alone. I’m working on it. My wife would probably argue much too slowly, but I’m working on it. It’s complicated.

The other hindrance that bites me in the ass is restlessness, or the inability to calm the mind. I have ADHD, and this can be a HUGE issue for me. It causes me to forget, to procrastinate when I shouldn’t, to miss deadlines. At times it can be an uncontrollable monster, and at other times more like a caged monkey. But a caged monkey is still a monkey. To say my mind wanders is like saying the Titanic had a small leak. And while some may scoff at the idea of Buddhism offering “self-help”, I think it does provide some of that. Certainly there are elements of self-improvement to be found when walking this path. Science has revealed that meditation does have real, tangible benefits for people that have ADHD, but I only view this as part of the ‘benefit’ of practice. I also take responsibility for my actions and thoughts in spite of my ADHD, I don’t blame anything I do or don’t do on it. To me that would be the easy way out. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

Favorite Buddhist books / authors?

Contemporary teachers that I’ve found valuable and to my liking include Thanissaro Bikkhu and John Daido Loori. Two very different teachers no doubt, but there is something familiar about T.B.’s approach that really hits home for me. Maybe it is my love for philosophy. And Loori’s writing is authoritatively beautiful, if that makes any sense whatsoever. I have only read bits of his work, and have a few of his books on my shelf that are next in my queue that I’m looking forward to diving into. I have much to learn and even more to experience.

Current favorite Buddhist quote.

I’ve posted on my experience with homelessness before, so it may not come as a surprise that Homeless Kodo (Kodo Sawaki) holds a special place in my heart as well. I’ve only recently discovered him and his writings. One of my favorite quotes of his: "Everyone is homeless – it is a mistake if you think you have a fixed home."

Favorite song that intentionally or unintentionally expresses Dharma

“Instrumental” by Box Car Racer. Mostly it’s the notes and words that you don’t hear that make that song powerful. At least to me. I suppose a case could be made for Jazz being the most “Buddhist” form of music for the same reasons.

Is there a song that might be your “theme song”?

As with much of life, it would depend on my mood. If I could express my most common moods according to song in no particular order they would be:

“AEnima” by Tool

“Late in the evening” by Paul Simon

“Midnight Rider” by the Allman Brothers

“Alive” by Pearl Jam

“This Cocaine makes me feel like I’m on this song” by System of a Down

“Wish you were here” Pink Floyd

“Sagaba” Blue Scholars

“I believe in a thing called love” by The Darkness – (it was the song my wife and I walked down the aisle to)

“Dio” by Tenacious D

I’ll let you figure out which moods they go with.