My Mind Is A 2-Year-Old Black Lab That Eats Poop

Woof originally uploaded by Jim Sneddon

This latest retreat was helpful to some degree in clarifying something about right effort. My Puritan roots tend to give me the default mode of over-effort, striving, and being quite mistrustful of anything that is not at least a little uncomfortable. This applies to meditation as well.

Hold It Tight originally uploaded by jbelluch

Also revealed were some unarticulated expectations I had tucked away: "This retreat will require less effort because there will be so much outdoor meditation. It will be easier." In some ways this was true. Someone else noted at the week's end that just feeling a breeze on the face during sitting provides such a pleasant focus for the mind. And indeed, listening to the tiny creatures rustling around in the forest, the mind just zooms right in. Someone else half-jokingly mentioned that they weren't sure this really counted as Zazen because it was so joyful! But does pleasantness make it easier? Does nature do our Zazen for us? If we sit outside and drift around in thought, is that any different than doing so in the Zendo?

Blades and Droplets originally uploaded by surfonaut

Chozen brought in a wonderful metaphor for Sesshin: You can't fix your car while you are driving around on the freeway. You have to drive it into the garage, turn it off, open the hood, and take some time to look and learn about how it works. The carburetor = the breathing system. The fuel injection = mindful eating, and so on.

Lucky Motors Bermondsey originally uploaded by MairiMcCann

So if this is true, then my mind wants to read Consumer Reports over and over. On this retreat, I was able to more closely observe some of my mind's favorite habits. This was a little easier to do, since I recalled previously cataloguing them after a Sesshin last September. In fact, here is the outline, and aside from the worries over the geriatric dog, now passed away, everything is just about the same:

I. What is everybody going to think of me?
A. Oh My God, I'm doing it wrong
1. Rehearse
2. Replay

II. Judging
A. Making up stories
B. Guilt about judging

III. Miscellaneous
A. Repetitive songs
B. Sudden thoughts of hilarity
C. Sudden thoughts of catastrophe
1. Health status of geriatric dog at home
2. US / World politics and economics
3. Health / mental health status of husband currently working in US politics.

I was thoroughly bored with myself and the above litany by evening of the first full day. It has previously taken me until about day 3 to get that bored with myself. There were no discoveries; just the same discursive mind. It's repetitive, it's annoying, it causes jolts of anxiety. And it's apparently highly addictive.

Hi, my name is Laura, and I'm addicted to self-making. The Pali word for which I learned from Ajahn Amaro in June: "Ahamkara." Self-making. There's supposed to be a little dot under the 'm' to indicate that the 'm' is actually pronounced with the sound "ng". "a-HANG-ka-ra". Short 'o' sound on the second syllable. Great word. Nice to have a word for something I do pretty much all the time.

Girl Doll and Clock originally uploaded by runran

I had a rather negative interaction with someone early in the week. And this was what my mind settled upon to obsess about. How could they talk to me like that? Aren't they supposed to be more skillful than that? Replay, replay, replay. How will I respond to them when I come out of Sesshin? Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse.

Bo-RING!

Broken Record originally uploaded by Mista Kingasaur

It is amazing how bored I was with this, and yet, it persisted for days. I would catch myself in it, even after deciding once and for all that I would piously let it go, and NOT in fact talk to the person or anyone about it. Up it came anyway, like bad indigestion. I tried labeling it, giving it room, smiling at it. On and on it went.

Then I began to think of it more like poop. I was still catching myself churning about this brief conversation days and days later. It was like returning to analyze the long-digested and expelled breakfast of 3 and 4 and 5 days ago. And as if that is not gross enough, all the while, there is a gorgeous forest setting all around me, with chirping birds and crickets and breezes and swaying trees and bamboo and loveliness that keeps getting pushed to the edge of awareness. For thinking that is equivalent to poop.

green bamboo leaves originally uploaded by surfonaut

It became clear that I needed to take some steps to respond to this mind's broken-record antics. So I redoubled my effort at the primary practice -- at that point it was listening -- and I started using some of the tools that have been effective for me in dealing with repetitive discursive thinking.

One that is especially good for my repetitive rehearsing and replaying of conversations, is to imagine myself and whomever else as finger puppets. Then, in as much detail as I can imagine, really having the conversation between the finger puppets. Often the ridiculousness of this is enough to take the energy out of it. Then returning to the primary practice.

Tara and Finger Puppet Theatre originally uploaded by dimitrij

Another tool is that I sometimes imagine the sword of Manjushri dramatically cutting the line of thinking, Samurai warrior style, complete with internally yelling the word "No!" Then return to the primary practice.

Manjushri, the Bodhisattva of Wisdom originally uploaded by Wonderlane

I was surprised I needed to bring these out. I had not expected to be so plagued, and for my mind to be so hypnotized by this content that it would drown out even the idyllic monastery grounds.

Misty Rain Sunbeam Log originally uploaded by opalmirror

I ended up saying "No" so many times, that it reminded me of training a dog. Which immediately allowed me a soft patience with myself and my mind, because I love dogs and all of their honest, wholehearted ways. I decided that my mind was most like a 2-year-old black lab that has had some training, looks like an adult dog, knows a few basic commands, but still has a lot of puppy energy. "Sit? Okay. Done. Now run around, right? Chew on stuff? Oh, sit again, okay. Done. Now run around, right?"

crazy dog originally uploaded by Phil Romans

One that likes to eat poop, and will do so whenever it can get away with it because it simply can't resist. One that can tell exactly when you are just saying "no" and when you actually mean "no" and have some behavioral intervention with which to back those words up. I don't have to be harsh. I don't have to be cruel. I don't have to extend too much effort. Just enough effort. And to be consistent. To follow my intention with action.

It appears my mind, too, is prepared to respond to my practice only as much as I mean it. Even in a delightful forest setting. I can sit there and sure wish I had a quiet mind, but unless that is backed up with some direction towards practice, it seems like it results in a distractable poop-eating puppy mind!

Nosey originally uploaded by A30 Tsitika

Grasses, Trees, and the Great Earth

Just returned from the Grasses, Trees, and the Great Earth Sesshin, and am about to head back outside to sit in my backyard under the pear trees to help ease reentry. Before I do, I would like to share an observation from nature. I wish I had my own photos to share.

Anyway, at the monastery, there is a small flower box with cosmos, zinnias and such on the little porch outside the dorm where I stayed all week. It took until about Day 4 for me to truly see a fist-sized zinnia of so many petal layers, and such amazing and hilarious neon bright pinkness, on a break I walked over to just visit it for a moment.


Zinnia Bumble Bee originally uploaded by zizzybaloobah

In doing so, I watched the various bees, particularly the bumblebees, who are currently fat like little yellow and black zeppelins who can scarcely fly themselves around.

I observed one light onto a smaller zinnia, going around counterclockwise, methodically and thoroughly dipping its proboscis into each and every yellow stigma before heavily hovering off to the next flower. Everyone seemed to be having a very good time.

Later in the evening I wandered into the greenhouse where there are also flowers planted for use on the altars. The bumblebees like to fall asleep on flowers. I have seen this before on cosmos in my own cutting garden.

The one I saw was just resting on a pink daisy-like flower. It was almost sleeping. Its little bee legs were sprawled out and its little bee face was completely planted in the midst of the powdery yellow cushion, and it wasn't busy doing anything. It was just lying there, appearing to be drunk on pollen, or just blissed out from a busy bee day. I lightly brushed up next to a nearby plant, a leaf from which just grazed this little bee's leg, and without removing its face from the pollen platter, it lifted up one of its arms towards the source of the mild disturbance, as if to beg for a snooze alarm.

These creatures, these flowers and bugs and animals... they are just simply themselves, wholeheartedly. These precious little jewels everywhere. Can a human life ever be this forthright?

Affirming Faith In Mind

Affirming Faith In Mind
(Hsin Hsin Ming)
by Zen Master Kanchi Sosan

The Great Way is not difficult for those who do not pick and choose.
When preferences are cast aside the Way stands clear and undisguised.

But even slight distinctions made set earth and heaven far apart.
If you would clearly see the truth, discard opinions pro and con.

To founder in dislike and like is nothing but the mind's disease.
And not to see the Way's deep truth disturbs the mind's essential peace.

The Way is perfect like vast space, where there's no lack and no excess.
Our choice to choose and to reject prevents our seeing this simple truth.

Both striving for the outer world as well as for the inner void condemn us to entangled lives.
Just calmly see that all is One, and by themselves false views will go.

Attempts to stop activity will fill you with activity.
Remaining in duality, you'll never know of unity.

And not to know this unity lets conflict lead you far astray.
When you assert that things are real you miss their true reality.

But to assert that things are void also misses reality.
The more you talk and think on this the further from the truth you'll be.

Cut off all useless thought and words And there's nowhere you cannot go.
Returning to the root itself, you'll find the meaning of all things.

If you pursue appearances you overlook the primal source.
Awakening is to go beyond both emptiness as well as form.

All changes in this empty world seem real because of ignorance.
Do not go search for the truth, just let those fond opinions go.

Abide not in duality, refrain from all pursuit of it.
If there's a trace of right and wrong, True-mind is lost, confused, distaught.

From One-mind comes duality, but cling not even to this One.
When this One-mind rests undisturbed, then nothing in the world offends.

And when no thing can give offense, then all obstructions cease to be.
If all thought-objects disappear, the thinking subject drops away.

For things are things because of mind, as mind is mind because of things.
These two are merely relative, and both at source are Emptiness.

In Emptiness these are not two, yet in each are contained all forms.
Once coarse and fine are seen no more, then how can there be taking sides?

The Great Way is without limit, beyond the easy and the hard.
But those who hold to narrow views are fearful and irresolute; their frantic haste just slows them down.

If you're attached to anything, you surely will go far astray.
Just let go now of clinging mind, and all things are just as they are. In essence nothing goes or stays.

See into the true self of things, and you're in step with the Great Way, thus walking freely, undisturbed.
But live in bondage to your thoughts, and you will be confused, unclear.

This heavy burden weighs you down-- O why keep judging good and bad?
If you would walk the highest Way, do not reject the sense domain.

For as it is, whole and complete, This sense world is enlightenment.
The wise do not strive after goals, but fools themselves in bondage put.

The One Way knows no differences, the foolish cling to this and that.
To seek Great Mind with thinking mind is certainly a grave mistake.

From small mind come rest and unrest, but mind awakened transcends both.
Delusion spawns dualities-- these dreams are merely flowers of air-- why work so hard at grasping them?

Both gain and loss, and right and wrong-- once and for all get rid of them.
When you no longer are asleep, all dreams will vanish by themselves.

If mind does not discriminate, all things are as they are, as One.
To go to this mysterious Source frees us from all entanglements.

When all is seen with "equal mind," to our Self-nature we return.
This single mind goes right beyond all reasons and comparisons.

Seek movement and there's no movement, stop rest and no-rest comes instead.
When rest and no-rest cease to be, then even oneness disappears.

This ultimate finality's beyond all laws, can't be described.
With single mind one with the Way, all ego-centered strivings cease;

Doubts and confusion disappear, and so true faith pervades our life.
There is no thing that clings to us, and nothing that is left behind.

All's self-revealing, void and clear, without exerting power of mind.
Thought cannot reach this state of truth, here feelings are of no avail.

In this true world of Emptiness both self and other are no more.
To enter this true empty world, immediately affirm "not-two".

In this "not-two" all is the same, with nothing separate or outside.
The wise in all times and places awaken to this primal truth.

The Way's beyond all space, all time, one instant is ten thousand years.
Not only here, not only there, truth's right before you very eyes.

Distinctions such as large and small have relevance for you no more.
The largest is the smallest too-- here limitations have no place.

What is is not, what is not is-- if this is not yet clear to you, you're still far from the inner truth.
One thing is all, all things are one-- know this and all's whole and complete.

When faith and Mind are not separate, and not separate are Mind and faith, this is beyond all words, all thought.
For here there is no yesterday, no today, no tomorrow.

Shoe-Sew

Sabbatical just got some structure: Meet the next Shuso, or Head of the Zendo for the downtown program on Thursday and Sunday nights for the next year!

Incoming and outgoing Shusos, Jomon and Rinsan.
Note the gladiolas sprouting from my shoulders -- an apparent side effect of the new role.

The ceremony was quite moving. For the outgoing Shuso, the tradition is to have what is called a Shuso Hosan. This is an opportunity for the Shuso to give a brief talk based on a koan or some aspect of Dharma, then to invite their understanding to be tested by each member of the community. It is a formal time, and includes many cool Zen accoutrements like officiating with a stick, sometimes yelling, or even getting up dancing. By the way, nice job "Singin' in the Rain," Rinsan. A tough act to follow.

Rinsan's Shuso Hosan

Rinsan spoke about the koan Bodhidharma's Vast Emptiness. The talk and questions inspired me to make another altered sardine tin shrine, this one of Bodhidharma in his cave:

Bodhidharma in his cave, an altered sardine tin shrine

The new Shuso installation ceremony is comparatively brief. Here are some of the words:

New Shuso (to Teacher): I realize that the opportunity to meet a teacher of the Dharma and to put the teachings into practice is rare. I ask to be allowed to study with you during this 2009/2010 training period. I vow to work with you to help encourage others to rest in the source of their own deep wisdom. I ask to do this by leading the Sangha through the example of my practice and dedication.
Teacher: This role is one which has been passed down from Buddha to Buddha, teacher to teacher, from me to you. May your practice be fruitful, your joy pure, and your bliss grow eternally. May your example help many people. Realize that it is not your small self which is important in entering this position - but that great light which is expressed through your life and all our lives. That light is what gives encouragement and guidance to all.

New Shuso (to community) : At the request of my teacher I have been asked to fulfill the role of Shuso for the next year. My wisdom and compassion are limited, my skill inadequate. I ask the Sangha to support and teach me how to express compassion and strength to help this community be healthy and strong so it may offer benefit to everyone who comes.
I meant every word. Especially the ones about limitations and inadequacies. This is a quite a visible role, and because of that, feels like a real stretch already. Not to mention how scary it is to think about sitting up there for a Shuso Hosan!!!

I've been feeling the weight of this role, and my dear Dharma friend Erika pointed out to me that I am creating some unnecessary difficulty with a fixed ideal concept of Shuso, rather than the reality of the process that is Shuso, that is everything. She is totally right.

Apaprently each Shuso brings their own unique flavor to the job, and to the Sangha. I know this will change me, too. I am most grateful for this honor and opportunity, and I do hope it will be of benefit to the Sangha as much as I am sure it will benefit me.

Bowing To and With Dogen

I thought Buddhism was just another patriarchal religion; another situation in which yet another dude was set apart from everybody else and venerated. I figured I would have to translate things for myself, changing all the pronouns again, and I was not interested in another religion in which women were not visible or reflected in any way without a lot of research or imagination.

I jumped into Buddhist practice with both feet once I learned about the existence of Kwan Yin. She helped bridge what seemed to me to be a patriarchal gap -- okay, chasm-- between me and Buddhism.

Kwan Yin

But from time to time, some patriarchal remnants would come up. Like the stories of the Buddha initially being unwilling to allow women into the Sangha: The Buddha allegedly even denied his own mother (actually his wet nurse / stepmother who raised him) until his personal attendant Ananda interceded for her and hundreds of other women who wanted the teachings too.

Buddha with Ananda, Longmen Caves, China

In some Buddhist traditions, they try to live the way the Buddha lived, and follow all the rules the Buddha taught, called the Vinaya. And within those rules, I would hear about the special rules for women; an additional hundred or so on top of the two hundred or so for the men. But I never noticed any special rules being applied to women in our Sangha at all, in fact, our Sangha is led by a woman. And anyway, I was too busy trying to figure out stuff like posture, breathing, what to do with the songs coursing through my head and what not.

Chozen

So I have gradually learned more about Buddhist history and these rules. For instance, right before the Buddha died, he told dear Ananda to tell the rest of the Sangha to just drop all the less important rules. Well once he was dead, the remaining followers couldn't agree which rules were less important, so they just kept all of them.

I also learned that nothing the Buddha actually said was written down until a few hundred years later. Think about it -- a 300-year-long game of 'telephone' steeped in +2000-year-old Indian cultural mores. So I kinda filed a lot of those rules in the "not applicable" folder. My art teacher used to call it the "round file."

Especially this one:

"A bhikkhuni (nun) who has been fully ordained even for more than a century must bow down, rise up from her seat, salute with hands palm-to-palm over her heart, and perform the duties of respect to a bhikkhu (monk) even if he has been fully ordained only a day. This rule is to be honored, respected, revered, venerated, never to be transgressed as long as she lives."

Dang!

During a recent retreat led by Ajahn Amaro, a Theravadin monk of the Thai Forest tradition, who has been strictly following the Vinaya for 30 years, one of the female priests from our Zen tradition asked him directly about these rules for women; basically whether, how, or when they might change. His answer was validating to some degree. He iterated the above rule, and said he was not comfortable with it, and that it is an extremely active topic within Theravadin Buddhism today. And then he shrugged and said he was "just one monk" and wished he had a better answer. Or something like that.

I was disappointed. Actually I felt like crying. I know it's complicated and all. I think the question was asked on about Day 2 of the 6-day retreat, so factor in that turbulence, but still. After the period was over and we had some free time for tea, I found myself going into the Jizo garden and sitting next to the statue of Kwan Yin in there, and I just let whatever it was come up.

I observed a feeling of grief for all the Dharma sisters to whom these rules are actually applied. I also noticed a sense of righteous anger. Careful there! I am a cheap date when it comes to righteous anger, and can get fall-down drunk on that stuff pretty quickly. Truthfully, I do not know all the complexities of Buddhist history, the various cultural expressions, and how the women of each tradition deal with their own brand of partriarchy, to which no culture is immune.

But Dang!

So some weeks later, along comes my Dharma sister, Senryu, who ran across this section of the Shobogenzo, in which Master Dogen, one of the Great Teachers of our Zen lineage, wrote about these rules as they were being applied to nuns in Japan being excluded from the main training halls of the monastery -- and he mocks these practices. He absolutely derides them:

And also, in Japan there is a situation which is truly ridiculous and worthy of laughter. It relates to what is called ‘The Grounds of the Enclosed Realm’ by some and ‘The Training Ground of the Greater Course’ by others, places that female monks and lay women are not permitted to enter. This mistaken custom has been handed down for ever so long, and people have never questioned what it is all about. Those who have studied the ancient ways have never attempted to change this practice nor have scholars ever taken up the matter. Some refer to this practice as ‘what an incarnation of a Buddha or a Bodhisattva does’; others speak of it as ‘the tradition of our ancient predecessors’. Moreover, they have never called the matter into question. It is enough to make a person split a gut laughing.

Master Dogen

This section is called Raihai Tokuzui, or "Respectful Bowing will Secure for You the Very Marrow of the Way." Did I mention it was written in the year 1240? Here is part of the translator's introduction:

The text is in two parts. The first, delivered to his monks in the spring of 1240, deals with being willing to learn from any who give voice to the Dharma, be they male or female, human or animal, living or dead, animate or inanimate. The second, given in the fall of the same year, specifically addresses various questions on learning from women. For unexplained reasons, the second part was not Incorporated in the earlier versions of the Shōbōgenzō, but was kept under lock and key in Dōgen’s temple, Eihei-ji.

Lock and key? Unexplained reasons? Srsly?

Things at Eihei-ji have changed just a little little in 800 years, despite Dogen's clarity. Get your hands on this book immediately: Women of the Way, by Sallie Tisdale. In the introduction, she recounts her experience of how women are still treated differently there.

In Women of the Way, Sallie Tisdale paints beautiful detailed portraits of Buddhist women, their own practice and mastery within the context of history and culture as best can be deduced. She has put together a women's lineage from the time of the Buddha that is chanted at the monastery on a regular basis. When I hear it and chant it, it washes over me like refreshing cool water being poured by Kwan Yin herself.

Anyway, about respectful bowing: Dogen takes specific aim at that one rule about accomplished nuns having to defer to monks ordained on their first day.

When a female monk who has realized both the Way and the Dharma becomes head of a temple, male monks who, in seeking the Dharma, wish to train under a Master will join her community, respectfully bowing as they ask her about the Dharma, for she is a splendid model for their training and study. It will be for the trainee like receiving something to drink when he is thirsty...

Someone who has not yet even dreamt of the Truth of Buddhism, even if he be an old monk of a hundred years, will not be the equal of a man or woman who has realized what Dharma is; he should not be reverenced, but simply paid common respect, as between guest and host. Even a seven-year-old—were he or she to train in and practice Buddhism, and then say something that is Buddha Dharma—can be a teacher and guide for monks and laity, male and female. This child will be a compassionate parent to all sentient beings... We should make offerings and pay respect to such a one the same as we would to all Buddhas and Tathagatas. This is an ancient custom of the Buddha’s Way. Those who may still be in ignorance and who lack the direct Transmission are to be pitied...

Once such a woman has realized what Dharma is, then she is truly an Old Buddha, so we should not look upon her as we did in the past. When we are having an audience with her, our contact will be from a new and special standpoint. When we meet her, we should face her with an attitude of ‘today is today’, regardless of how things were in the past. For example, a female monk to whom the Treasure House of the Eye of the True Teaching has been Transmitted should respectfully be bowed to and asked for the Teaching by those in the four stages of arhathood, those who are pratyekabuddhas, and those thrice wise and ten times saintly, and she will acknowledge this bow. Why should only males be worthy of respect? Boundless space is simply boundless space; the four elements are simply the four elements; the five skandhas are simply the five skandhas. And they are no different for women. When it comes to realizing the Way, everyone may realize It. In any case, anyone who has realized what Dharma is should be deeply respected: do not concern yourself with whether it is a man or a woman. This is a most excellent rule of the Buddha’s Way.

Dogen recounts stories of great female Masters Massan and Myoshin. Both of these women's stories are included in Women of the Way. He refers to Myoshin when he says this:

...Truly, her level of spiritual understanding is not surpassed even by those thrice wise and ten times saintly; her speech and actions are in direct descent from the Buddhas and Ancestors. For this reason, even today, when there is a vacant post for an Abbot or one who teaches in the Abbot’s stead, we should invite a female monk who has realized what Dharma is to take the position. Even though a male monk be one of greater age and longer residence, if he has not realized what Dharma is, why would you want him instead? The one who is the head monk for a community must undoubtedly be someone spiritually clear-eyed. A person who is as dissipated in body and mind as he is limited in outlook, however, will be so hard-headed that he will often be the laughing stock of ordinary people...

His tone is so clear, and his language so unmistakable. I can hardly believe this was so clearly articulated back in 1240. Speaking of contemporary value, there is even a section in this where he talks about not objectifying women:

And also, even today there are people, wretched from their folly, whose unconverted thinking has not gone beyond looking upon women simply as objects in the world of sensual desire. Disciples of Buddha should not be this way. Should you detest women because you think that they must be objects in the world of sensual desire, would you also detest all men? What causes staining and defilement to arise is treating men as comprising one world and women as another. In addition, looking upon someone as being neither male nor female is also to treat that person as ‘an object apart’; even looking at that person as though a phantasm or an illusory flower is likewise treating him or her as ‘an object apart’...

It says in the Vinaya: “The two orifices of a male and the three orifices of a female are alike when it comes to committing a grievous breakage of the Precepts; those doing so may not dwell within the monastic community.” Thus, if you dislike women because you think that they must be objects in the world of sensual desire, then males and females will end up mutually disliking each other, and it is unlikely that there will be any opportunity for either to find a way to the Other Shore. You should explore this principle in detail.

He even goes after the karma argument. You know, the one that says women are born women because of our bad karma?

And also, should you despise women because you think that in ancient times they have committed some offense, then you must despise all bodhisattvas as well. Or, should you despise women because you think that at some later date they will surely commit some offense, then you must despise all bodhisattvas who have given rise to the intention to realize Buddhahood. If you despise women in any such ways, you must despise every single person, so how will you make manifest the Buddha’s Dharma? Words like the ones uttered by such monks are, sad to say, the wild remarks of foolish people who do not understand what the Buddha taught. If the matter were like this vow, did the Venerable Shakyamuni and the bodhisattvas who were alive during His lifetime all commit offenses? Have Their enlightened minds been shallower than yours? You would do well to quietly think about this.

I just can't get over this! We chant Dogen's name at every service, and I had no idea he had my back like this!

In starting down this Path, I had some trepidation about getting into what I perceived as a patriarchal religion, and even though our Sangha is led by a woman, those of us who practice downtown interact primarily with her husband as our primary teacher. Initially, I was apprehensive around acquiring a male teacher.

Hogen

The teachers of our Sangha, like many of the first-generation American Buddhist practitioners have lived through the period in the 1980's in which it was discovered that lots of ethical breaches were being carried out by the teachers who first brought Buddhism to America. Our teachers are therefore committed to rooting practice in ethics. And they encourage us to just observe the community, just come practice, just come sit for a while before making any commitments to joining. I appreciated this so much. A gradual relationship has therefore been allowed to develop very organically between my teachers and me. They just keep being exactly who they say they are in many different situations.

And so I add Hogen, who has never been anything but compassionate to me, to my list of gentle, kind men I have had the pleasure of being close to in this life.

Bansho

Which leads me to what I think is Dogen's actual conclusion; that it does not matter what form your teacher takes. If your teacher understands the Dharma, you should show respect. You can learn from them.

...we should pray that the trees and stones give voice to the Dharma for us: we should hold in our hearts the wish that the fields and the villages also give voice to It. We should ask It of the pillar of a temple: we should have the walls and fences explore It thoroughly with us.

Whether that guiding Master has the physical features of a male or a female, or whatever, is irrelevant, but it must be someone who is spiritually outstanding, one who is truly ‘with It’* here and now. Whether he or she is someone of the past or a present-day person is of no matter; even one who has the nagging manner of a wild fox may prove a good spiritual friend, for this is the countenance of one who has secured the very Marrow, one who will be a spiritual guide and of benefit to you. This is someone who does not deceive others about cause and effect, and who will treat you, me, and others as spiritual equals.

Once you have encountered a teacher and guide, from then on you should discard your myriad involvements, cease frittering away your time, and devote yourself to diligently practicing the Way. You should do your training and practice, even though you may still be attached to discriminatory thinking; you should do your training and practice, even if you have gone beyond discriminatory thinking; you should do your training and practice, even though you may be half-hearted in the attempt. Study with urgency, as though you were extinguishing a fire on your head: study with joy and hopefulness, as though you were standing on tiptoes. Should you behave in this way, you will not be disturbed by bad-mouthing demons.

* translator's note: To be “‘with It’ here and now” is an attempt to render the term immo when used in its Chinese slang meaning for the condition of persons or things being just what they truly are, without any sense of an existence separate from time and without any sense of a false self.

Watching the Pears Grow

It's been unplanned, but I've developed a practice every day thus far in my first week of Sabbatical. Just being on the ground underneath the pear trees. Sometimes I nap, sometimes I read, sometimes I sit, sometimes all of the above.

There is something about being directly on the Earth for a couple hours that just slows everything right down.
I have found that the shade the trees provide in the late morning is lovely, and I follow it as it travels around the grassy parts of the backyard.

My dear friend Stacey is going through a difficult time right now, and when she came over and we sat under the pear trees, I assured her that once the pears were ripe -- around the Autumnal Equinox -- we would sit here again, enjoying their honey-sweet, delicately crisp deliciousness, and things would be different for her than they are right now. That's a season. I have put myself on that time frame as well. At the Autumnal Equinox, I will check in with myself about where my energy is and whether or not it is time to initiate the Active Phase of the Professional Development Plan. Until then, I am in the Receptive Phase. Which may last two seasons. Just like nature. And as Mister Rogers once said:

"In the long, long trip of growing, there are stops along the way. It's important to know when we need to stop, reflect, and receive. In our competitive world, that might be called a waste of time. I've learned that these times can be a preamble to periods of enormous growth."

Jumping Off the 100-Foot Pole

Two of my favorite bloggers have recently posted about this koan:

CASE 46.PROCEED BEYOND THE TOP OF THE 100 FOOT HIGH POLE

Master Sekiso said, "You are at the top of the 100 foot high pole. How will you make a step further?" Another Zen Master of Ancient Times said, "One who sits on top of the 100 foot pole has not quite attained true enlightenment. Make another step forward from the top of the pole and throw one's own body into the 100,000 universes."

Mumon's Comments:
Should there be any who is able to step forward from the top of the 100 foot pole and hurl one's whole body into the entire universe, this person may call oneself a Buddha. Nevertheless, how can one step forward from the top of the 100 foot pole? Know thyself!

Should one be content and settle on top of the 100,000 foot pole,

One will harm the third eye,

And will even misread the marks on the scale.

Should one throw oneself and be able to renounce one's life,

Like one blind person leading all other blind persons,

One will be in absolute freedom (unattached from the eyes).

The Dalai Grandma sees the 100-foot pole as the tendency to get stuck thinking about right action, rather than just doing it. Trying to hold onto a feeling of enlightenment, as opposed to taking enlightened action. She even includes a great Elvis song to illustrate her point! Check her out!

Then James Ishmael Ford, a Unitarian Minister and Zen Priest, in his blog "Monkey Mind", posted about stepping off the 100-foot pole on my last day of work. His assertion is that the pole is our limited story about life, the meaning we affix to things, rather than the enormity of our actual wordless experience, and how our small egos cling to that small story for dear small life.

I so appreciate such wise companions on the Path. I am not sure what the 100-foot pole is, but I know that a huge part of my identity has just been relinquished, and there is a voice that takes issue with this, that is really scared, and wants to grab grab grab onto something. Grab onto a schedule, grab onto the word "sabbatical," grab onto my professional development plan, grab onto goals -- hourly, daily, weekly, monthly, yearly. From one pole to another, I am feeling this koan today.

Appreciating the quiet tenderheartedness of today, and the ending of nine years of service in a county agency. Falling with open arms into the mystery of whatever this brings. Maybe it is a mistake. Appreciating whatever is large enough to accept that. Appreciating whatever is large enough to not know exactly what is happening next. Or even now.

Totem Poles
Originally uploaded by Peter Macdonald Photo