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Upholding the Sangha Treasure

I'm pretty excited these days about a new project at the Zen Center I have decided to call:

Upholding the Sangha Treasure.

As Buddhists, we vow to take refuge in the three treasures, or the three jewels. Here is my humble understanding of this vow. The three jewels are:

• Buddha -- Finding a teacher -- someone who is connected through the lineage to the historic Buddha himself. Also the Buddha within -- my direct experience of life.
  
• Dharma -- the teachings of the Buddha
  
• Sangha -- the people with whom we practice -- others on the Path. The Sangha is the equivalent to a congregation.

We vow to lean into them and apply and express them wholeheartedly. Part of taking the precepts in our tradition includes writing about our understanding of them. Here is a little bit of my writing from almost a year ago about the three treasures:

Taking Refuge in the Buddha

...when I take refuge in the Buddha, it is the Buddha within me – my senses, by ability to perceive and experience the physicality of this moment. My fingertips on the computer keys, my belly digesting lunch, the air going in and out of my nose, the skin all over my body, feeling the air and clothes and temperature. All this touching of the earth, and interfacing and being stirred into the whole universe. When I awaken to this, it certainly feels like taking refuge. It certainly feels like resting, and simplifying, even as I open to countless millions of things happening, it is still calmer and less busy than all that thinking.

Taking Refuge in the Dharma

Taking refuge in the teachings. Listening to them, applying them, experimenting, trying them on for myself. Asking, “Is that so?” I was not much of a reader of the Dharma prior to coming to practice, which, from what I understand can be a good thing. I notice that when I am listening to Dharma talks in my car, or after a Dharma talk, weekend retreat, etc, I am usually able to immediately practice what the teachings suggest. Whether I do so gracefully is another thing, but the Teachings I find to be completely practical, and applicable to everything real in my life, and again, I find a calmness, a comfort when I do take refuge in them.

Taking Refuge in the Sangha

BTW: This awesome photo was taken at Great Vow Zen Monastery just after a week-long retreat focusing on the koan of "Mu" during which the whole group often yelled it sang it growled it ate it breathed it throughout the sitting periods!

I am usually very comfortable on the giving and sharing end of things, but taking refuge suggests allowing the Sangha to help me, too. And the ways that this has happened most for me has been in meditation instruction, the classes, the very container of practice when sitting – others’ practice strengthens my own. New people coming to practice, and being asked to welcome them, or teach meditation instruction has given my own practice great energy and focus. Making mistakes as the chant leader in front of the Sangha has helped me to observe my own Inner Critic and see myself with the kind of compassion I receive from the Sangha. I am amazed that the Buddha was able to do all of this on his own, and it makes me so very glad that I don’t have to.

~ ~ ~

And this is as lovely and concise (two & a half pages) a dharma talk about Sangha, by none other than Chozen Bays. She references the fact that the Sangha Treasure often gets short shrift. This tendency is sometimes referred to as two jewels and a rock.

So why this focus on Sangha?

Our Zen group is currently limited by the amount of days available for rent at
the Portland Dharma Center 2514 SE Madison Currently we sit here

Thursday and Sunday nights at 7:30.
Monday mornings from 6-7 am, and
Tuesday nights start July 1 at 7:30.

So we are working towards acquiring a Portland building of our own, which means fundraising and organization as well as commitment to stepping up and being the ones who are there to make more teachings available. We are not ready to purchase anything at the moment, BUT we are getting ready.

One way to get ready is to see if we can't grow a little more before making such a big move. We are planning more programs, weekend workshops, etc. for the coming year. We are also looking at what a transition from a smallish membership to a larger membership would entail. Apparently this can sometimes be a difficult transition to make, and there can be losses along the way. So in a big change like this, it is important to focus on membership, and to be more conscious and awake about what we are doing. Thankfully, this wheel has already been invented.

I volunteered to digest and then gather some folks to learn about a spiritual / congregational roadmap of sorts from the Alban Institute. The Alban Institute is a Christian organization that has done a lot of research into these kinds of topics, and it publishes materials for congregations who are going through growth, transitions, etc. The Zen Community of Oregon had gone through a similar process with these materials many years ago, and found it to be enormously helpful.

My plan is to focus on this workbook, and work through it with some older and some newer practitioners. Together we will figure out how it translates into Zen. My friend Robin will be helping -- she has a near allergic sensitivity to proselytizing, having graduated from an evangelical Christian college, and will be my sniff tester for Zen-zealotry, or Zevangelicalism.


I have a lot of energy for this. I am very excited about it. It feels foundational. It feels important, it feels like a good fit for my skills, a contribution I can make, but most importantly, it feels like practice. Practice that's not sitting alone with myself and my roller derby mind, practice that's not reading about Zen, but practice with the Sangha treasure -- that can be grittier and scarier, but no less important.

Happy Anniversary

My spouse and I just celebrated our first Anniversary! I started this little essay a few days after we returned from our honeymoon, but it never quite came together. Now, after a year, it's finished. Here are my reflections on being a "Zen Bride", one year later:


It started innocently enough at a weekend relationship retreat at Great Vow Zen Monastery. Patrick and I had been dear friends for ten years, which then transformed into a solid romantic relationship for five years. Within that time, we bought a house together, graduated couples counseling together, and committed to each other, to our meditation practice, to honesty with each other, and to making sure our relationship wasn’t just going through the motions. Aware that a wedding does not make a marriage, we had heretofore simply declined to jump into the marriage pool.

Yet, when Chozen mentioned that the heart of a Zen wedding is about a couple’s vows to uphold the Buddhist Precepts together -- this awakened something in us. This spoke to our hearts and it made sense. What if we had a small ceremony with our families and friends, to publicly vow our commitment to our spiritual practice and to each other?

What is a Zen Wedding?

There are not many examples or templates by which to plan a Zen wedding. Chozen says this is because in Japan, the Shinto Priests retained the purview of weddings, leaving the Zen Priests to officiate the funerals. A friend of mine said that wedding traditions are comforting because everyone knows what they are supposed to do. So this non-traditional wedding placed us in a no-man’s land where neither we nor anyone else knew exactly what was “supposed” to happen. This not-knowing can be both freeing and a bit anxiety-provoking.

Of course, the entire wedding industry banks on this anxiety, and then promises to soothe it with products and services. It promotes grasping for something “special” and “perfect.” Setting up expectations for some kind of peak experience, we create endless opportunities for suffering by falling short:

“Your Special Day: Special Days Cars can make your special day even more special! ... Arrive in style on your special day”

“Your wedding shoes and wedding dress may both be perfect, but they still may not be perfect together. Here are some tips for insuring that your wedding shoes are a perfect match for the wedding dress you'll be wearing on the big day.”

Simply Googling “Zen Wedding” results in all kinds of breathless suggestions:

“To get you going on your own Zen-sual wedding, here are some things to consider … Strut your stuff in strappy sandals, a sleek red dress and dramatic hair-do.”

To counter the stress of trying to have the Perfect Special Day, apparently, many brides now turn to Zen… products.
For $8.95, you can buy a box of ZEN BRIDE:

“This new kit addresses the harried bride-to-be with Zen advice to focus on Mind, Body, Spirit, and Heart, and to stay grounded while attending to the details of the wedding day. The 32-page book contains aromatherapy suggestions and meditations, and is accompanied by two lavender bath balls, soothing lavender lotion, and a lavender tea candle.”

Or another book for $9.95 called Wedding Zen: Calming Wisdom for the Bride. This one has a whole chapter on "Dieting Dharma (or the middle weigh)."

But the ultimate in Zen Bride Wedding Preparation apparently comes from a spa. For $550.00 per week,

“We offer a wonderful, sensuous, relaxing program of cleansing and luxurious body care to make your wedding experience pure bliss.”

Their “Zen Bride Home Care Kit” happens to you each week, and includes: “

An hour of Relaxing Massage - to release muscle tension & fluid congestion. Yogasana Private Yoga Session - to relax the mind and focus the thoughts. Body Bath & Skin-Softening Body Scrub - to bring a healthy glow to the skin. French Rose Cream Treatment - the most intensive moisturizing treatment that will leave you petal soft and smelling of roses for days. The Organic Facial of your choice - choose the best food for your skin. For an additional fee, you can also choose from our menu of blissful options to help your Zen Bride emerge...”

Our actual ceremony was planned for 10am, despite the absence of French Rose Cream Treatment, strappy sandals, or even shoes. We stayed at the monastery overnight, and slept in until about 5am, when this alleged Zen Bride emerged and we went to meditate with the residents. I admit to getting caught in some wedding preparation undertow, managing numerous details over the past few weeks with a variable amount of grace. I would catch myself chasing some idea about the wedding and how it should or shouldn’t be, or how I should or shouldn’t be. All of that had been exhausting. Now there was nothing to do but sit.

After sitting and chanting service, temple cleaning duties were announced. I wondered if I would be exempt, since this was, according to numerous sources, My Special Day. I was then assigned to cleaning the bathrooms next to the Zendo. I smiled inside at the incongruence of this activity with the commercial ideals of what a Zen Bride should be doing four hours before her wedding.

Gathering the cleaning supplies and tools, I observed myself, toilet brush and scrubbing powder in hand. Zen Bride. I welcomed the physicality of the activity, helping to siphon off some of my nervous energy. What better way to “stay grounded while attending to the details of the wedding day?” I thought about the friends and family that would be attending, and my immense gratitude for their support throughout my lifetime. Giving them a clean bathroom was the least I could do. I noticed a welcome reprieve from obsessing about myself or the ceremony while focusing on putting some muscle into cleaning the toilet bowl ring. I got a break from craving some perfect outcome and from trying to avoid some imagined disaster or feelings of anxiety. I was just cleaning the bathroom.

During the ceremony, I endeavored to remain present in my body, in the room, in the moment.

I made a point of looking at each and every face in attendance. It was such a joyful honor to see our friends and family all together-- I was beaming at the sight of it-- when realized Hogen was introducing the Gatha of Atonement, and I thought, “Oops! I should probably look a little more contrite right about now.” I focused on the feeling of my feet on the floor when my mind started to overwhelm me with thoughts like these and more, and I just did my best to return to the natural unfolding of the day. And then it was over.

I don’t think I came very close to the Zen Brides of the books and products, if that is even possible. I was nervous, excited, trembling, tearful, joyful, irritated, tired, panicked and peaceful, sometimes all at once. The whole experience was quite intense, and I am so grateful Patrick and I were blessed with this opportunity to articulate our vows-- to support each other and our practice-- in this open-hearted and public way. I just can’t help but think that I may have stumbled onto a powerful fundraising opportunity.

Introducing… The Great Vow Zen Bride Kit! Start your Special Day right with a toilet brush, environmentally friendly spray cleaner, non-scratching polishing powder, paper towels made from recycled material, scrubby sponge, and rubber gloves…

~Mad props to Jennifer Brinkman -- the excellent photos here were taken by her (the less than excellent ones were not).

Orienteering

It has been a long period of discernment. It felt very uncomfortable. Like drifting for two years.
I had a sense that traveling to China might possibly help put the last piece into place, but I didn't know how. Since I have returned, I am sensing that it has fallen into place. The part in my blog description about being a social worker "on the verge of a change" is what I am talking about. I moved from drifting to gestating at some point, and now I think I am meeting my new intention.
Backstory:
In October 2006 I attended the Caregivers' Retreat at Great Vow Zen Monastery; a weekend of meditation, education, and support for folks who work, paid or unpaid, helping others. Chozen Bays, the Abbess, is also a pediatric physician, and a specialist in the field of child abuse. She knows a little something about burnout, or work the difficulty level I liken to staring at the sun.
Hey, if a Zen Master can burn out, maybe I'm not immune. In a place of safety, we caregivers were able to speak from our hearts about the impact of our work. On ourselves. And so it was there that I was able to look at the list of burnout symptoms, and start to admit, quietly to myself, that I might actually have a touch of this. This was, as we say in the mental health biz, "ego-dystonic," i.e thoughts & feelings that are not consistent with my self-perception.I've been a degreed social worker for 15 years. I've been volunteering in the field since age 15, starting with facilitating peer support groups in high school. There I go again, justifying myself...

Anyway, my feelings towards my job kept returning to the realm of... tired. I could sum it up by saying: "I love my work -- there's just so darn much of it," in a high-volume, high-need county mental health agency with high-intensity clients. And there's the long arc of my career. Where was it headed? Towards more of the same.

So I took Step One, and stepped down to 32 hours. A fabulous quote I once heard in a conversation about the benefits of letting go: "Everything I ever let go of had claw marks all over it." Curious that doing something so pleasant would be so difficult. Why? I began to explore fear; financial of course, but also this sense of identity I have cultivated from being a social worker for15 years. Also see previous blog entries on my recovery from workaholism and the Protestant Work Ethic. Sheesh! My friend Becca eased the transition though, when she christened my Mondays off as "Camp Laura Day." Nice.

A lot of my trepidation came / comes from the worry that if I let myself consider leaving the field of social work, then I might leave the field of social work! Then who would I even be? What would I do? This was not helped by a story told to me by a friend and colleague about his psychologist friend who, in a similar period of discernment, took 6 months off to wander. After 6 months, and no further clarity, he wandered for another 6 months. And discovered that he wanted to... open a pet store. He is now apparently deliriously happy selling reptiles. Okay, so that freaks me out. Not the reptile part; the QUITTING part.

So a year plus of Camp Laura Day, and I'm not cured. Even though I knew / know that this is "Divine Discomfort," the kind of persistent itch that is trying to lead to some spiritual growth, my doubting and frightened mind began to turn to a favorite piece of dialogue from the Drew Carey Show:

Drew's friend: "I'm just not fulfilled by my job."
Drew: "Oh yeah? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY. They meet at the bar."

We all have an Inner Critic. And mine started saying crap like this:

"There you go, being totally lazy. Who do you think you are to even dare considering taking all this time off, making a big change? You have a couple of degrees, a nice indoor job, seniority at your workplace. You just started getting good at this. Lots of people don't get to do meaningful work. And now you are thinking you want to what? See, you don't even know. That just proves you are totally misguided. Misguided and spoiled. 32 hours. Next it'll be 20 hours, then none. What about your retirement? You're going to take time off, and fall apart-- have some kind of existential crisis -- meanwhile the rest of the world is going to work every day. Must be nice."

So I attended the week-long sesshin (meditation retreat) at Great Vow Zen Monastery on Life Vows in January of 2008. Please click here and here to listen to two Dharma talks from this retreat by Abbot, Hogen Bays. They are about the importance of creating / finding space through meditation to make room for waiting, discernment, clarity, confidence, courage, action. (Feast your mind and heart on a complete menu of MP3 Dharma Talks from GVZM.)

The retreat helped clarify for me that I don't need to relinquish my healer archetype. It is a part of me. It's just that some of the other archetypes in my soul would like to have a little room to breathe and a little light shining on them, thank you very much.

Here is a poem that came from this retreat:

"I Am Not a Thing, But a Process"

Bowing three times to Kwan Yin
Steeping in the waters of compassion
and the heat of practice.
Brewing the body and essence of Jomon
Accepting all THAT is.

Aspects of Life Vow emerge
One by one, like stars in the night.
As I emerge to look, listen, and love.
I have only to name them and connect the
constellations:  North Star, Practice, Truth,
Gratitude, Service, Healing, Receptivity, Creativity,
Liberation.
My guides.
Orienting to Openness.

Returning to sit,
Gestating under the golden gaze
of Jizo Bodhisattva,
A warm, undefended heart,
I vow to relieve suffering. 

Okay, but still drifting. Not sure what sort of action this translates into. So I waited. And waited. And then I went to China. And traveled with a spectrum of people from Zen Masters to non-practitioners. And I met lots of Buddhists who didn't speak any English -- from religious rockstar Abbots of huge world-renowned temples, to lay practitioners, to citizen temple-visitors.
What I noticed was the impact of practice. The fruit of practice. The light of practice that emanates from people's eyes, is palpable in their body energy, and flows through their actions. This is available to all of us. It just has to be uncovered. And there is a path, a way to uncover ourselves. It's meditation.

Action:
So I've duct-taped my Inner Critic's mouth, and made some decisions. Well, that's not entirely true. I've taken my IC's opinions and views into consideration, and put them in perspective. It's hard to write my decisions down, even with my little blog's limited distribution list. Making a vow public is one way to strengthen and support a vow. I have talked with my boss at work. And I am doing the footwork to make this happen.

I will attend a sesshin once every other month to start, and my goal is to go every month (except August and / or when Patrick gets to go) in 2009.

• This starts in July, when I attend a 10-day training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction.
• Then a 10-day sesshin in September.
• Then a 7-day training in Voice Dialogue at the monastery in October.
• Then a sesshin in December.

It's like going back to school -- without having to go back to school (Thank God).

Whenever I return from a retreat, I know: Nothing is more important than this. This. Uncovering this moment. This life. This is all we have. This is all there is. And to cultivate the clarity, to settle the mind enough to even see what's important requires meditation -- in real time. Then the sky is clear, the North Star is visible, and I can begin to navigate this life.

My Heart Goes Out to China

We got home three days before the massive earthquake. We did not visit any of the places that would be deeply impacted, but I certainly feel the newscasts more deeply-- having just been to China-- and so enjoying connecting with the people, seeing the children and their grannies, and noticing all the hardworking people just trying to get by.

NPR is providing some amazing reporting from the aftermath -- Melissa Block has my respect and awe. I found myself weeping in the car in my driveway listening about mothers and fathers trying to dig their families out of destroyed apartments with their bare hands.

So I am grateful for the opportunity for my heart to open even wider. My one-dimensional idea about China before was... one-dimensional. China is made of people. So here are some of my favorite people pictures from the trip.Please do click on this photo above to see the light in this nun's face

Many of the Chinese Buddhist practitioners we met would bow and greet us with, "Amituofo," which is a Pure Land devotional practice, basically saying the name of Amitabha Buddha over and over (Ch'an and Pure Land have just about completely intertwined in China).

What does Amituofo mean? From the USA Shaolin Temple website:

Amituofo means a multitude of things, depending on how it is used. It can be a greeting, a salutation, a blessing, or it can mean "please" or "I'm sorry." Literally, it is the name of a Buddha, the "Amita" Buddha ("fo" being the Chinese word for Buddha). It is pronounced "Ah-mee-twoh-foh". "Amituofo" is the Chinese transliteration of the Sanskrit "Amitabha".

Who is Amitabha Buddha?

Buddha Amitabha is the Buddha of Infinite Light and Infinite Life. This is a Buddha who presides over the western Land of Ultimate Bliss. Feeling great compassion and wishing to help all beings permanently end suffering. Amitabha Buddha created this perfect land. All those who are reborn there do so through their faith, vows and practice. Amitabha is a transhistorical Buddha, who is venerated by all Mahayana schools, particularly the Pure Land school.

Click here for the source of the above definition as well as several lovely Pure Land chants. (Chinese -- even Ch'an -- chanting is so much more sing-songy than our Japanese-derived Zen chanting).

Here is a Portland-based agency with much expertise in helping with worldwide disasters such as this: Mercy Corps. Check them out, and donate if you are so moved. My heart goes out to China.

Amituofo.

Enough with the LOW RISE PANTS already!

Okay, so it's been a while since I shopped for clothes in a REAL store, i.e not a Goodwill. I must say, that the experience is highly overrated -- the real stores that is -- and exhausting.

I am apparently focusing all of my anxiety about my impending world travel on finding just the right pair of pants. At least I am aware that this is the arbitrary conduit for my neurotic energy. We have been told by the tour guide to bring synthetic fabric, quick-drying clothing, as we will be mostly hand-washing our clothes as we go, and allowing them to dry overnight, so spare the cotton. We will be staying in Ch'an (Zen) monasteries when we are not staying in hotels, walking lots, and out and about in planes trains and automobiles.

I am on a mission to find out whether it is indeed too much to ask to find a pair of pants: Simple, yoga-style pants, synthetic-y fiber (little to no cotton or hemp, please), elastic-y and maybe even some draw-string waist, roomy, flowy, not too jock-y, not too fancy. I even broadened my criteria to include zippered pants, and even started looking for some new jeans. But the main quest was for just some plain black pants -- and here's the hard part -- for an exactly average sized thirty-six-year-old woman.

I went to four or five stores. Tried on armloads of pants. And I have a question: WHO ARE THESE LOW RISE PANTS FOR? Because they are not for someone with hips and a round butt! They are also not for someone who actually moves during their day. Or sits. Or crouches or kneels. Or wears regular underwear.

The zippers for some of the pants were about two inches long. They were often waaaaay too tight around the hips and butt. Most of the pants produced that unfortunate effect known as "muffin-top." This is where the waist of the pants grabs hold of you near the pelvic bones, and the 2-3 inch remainder of your Goddess-given female waist sort of hangs over the sides of the pants.
And if the pants' waist was big enough around not to grab quite that tightly, then crouching or bending would create a gap between the lower back and the pants into which you could fit a small animal. Having pants like these requires a completely new underwear wardrobe, otherwise, "Hi! Here's two inches worth of my Jockey for Her bikini."

I mean, can't you just see it? Bowing reverently, sitting on the floor, giving China a big dose of crack?I was pleased to see that an article about this sad state of affairs has already been written much more eloquently than I ever could. In Slate.com, Amanda Fortini expresses similar sentiment in "The Woes of Low Rise Pants." The part that really amazed me is that she expressed this in the year 2003. And in the article, she traces the history of the hip-hugger, tracking this most recent un-killable zombie-esque fashion incarnation to the year 1995!

I was kvetching about this at work, and one of my colleagues, a 26-year-old, and very fashionable young woman said to me -- truly without trying to be offensive -- that this was a "generation thing." Ruh-ro. This colleague expressed how she really hates those other kind of pants with the "super-high waists," motioning to an area of her "waist" somewhere near her breasts, and that she probably would never buy them.

Now come on, I don't want to wear my pants over my ribs or anything -- just in the approximate neighborhood of my waist, defined as the part that measures smaller than my hips. I'm naturally long-waisted (read short-legged). I look really good in shirts with darts, somewhat tailored jackets and dresses -- anything that comes in a bit at the waist.
Cuz I'm a woman. W-O-M-A-N.

We did agree, however, that the highly unflattering eighties peg-leg pants must be stopped at all costs.

OMG I'm going to China

And I am figuring out how to draw lines on Google Maps!

Check it!

We are going to be Soooooo busy! Follow the cute blue line!

April 23 - May 8, 2008
(requires departure from USA April 22)
April 23: Arrive Beijing, transfer to hotel.
April 24: Visit Great Wall, Big Bell Museum.
April 25: Visit the Forbidden City, Lama Temple.
April 26: Morning departure for Cypress Grove Temple. En route, visit the Yunju Si at Zhoukoudian, site of ancient inscriptions of the Buddhist canon into stone records. Also visit Linji (Rinzai)'s dharma seat and temple at Zhengding. Evening arrival at Cypress Grove monastery.
April 27: Zen study and practice at Zhaozhou (Joshu's) Cypress Grove monastery with the abbot Ming Hai (Clear Sea). Activities will include talks, meditation training, Exploring Zen and Chinese tea, the Wu (Mu) koan.
April 28: Cypress Grove Monastery practice. Visit to Zhaozhou's bridge.
April 29: Continued practice at Cypress Grove Monastery.
Coach departure for 2nd Ancetor's temples. Stay in Anyang City.
April 30: Depart Anyang to ShaolinTemple and Bodhidarma's Cave. Evening stay in Luoyang City.
May 1: Visit Bai Ma Temple and Bodhidharma's burial spot at Kong Xiang Temple. Drive to Xian City.
May 2: Visit Wild Goose Pagoda, where Xuan Zang stored scriptures after returning from India. Terra Cotta Warriors.
May 3: Flight to Hangzhou, China. Coach transfer to Jiu Hua Mountain, sacred mountain of Dizang Bodhisattva.
May 4: Cable car to ride to the mountain temple Bai Xui. Visit the sacred relics of the site. Visit Tong Hui Monastery.
May 5: Visit the pagoda at site of the "true body" of Jizo Bodhisattva. Also visit Kwan Yin Peak, and the "Strangest Pine," called the "Phoenix Pine," and many other sites of Jiuhua Mountain. Late transfer to Huangshan.
May 6: Morning sightseeing and afternoon descent from Huangshan. Evening flight to Shanghai.
May 7: Shanghai's Bund, Museum.
May 8: Flight to the USA