Orienteering

It has been a long period of discernment. It felt very uncomfortable. Like drifting for two years.
I had a sense that traveling to China might possibly help put the last piece into place, but I didn't know how. Since I have returned, I am sensing that it has fallen into place. The part in my blog description about being a social worker "on the verge of a change" is what I am talking about. I moved from drifting to gestating at some point, and now I think I am meeting my new intention.
Backstory:
In October 2006 I attended the Caregivers' Retreat at Great Vow Zen Monastery; a weekend of meditation, education, and support for folks who work, paid or unpaid, helping others. Chozen Bays, the Abbess, is also a pediatric physician, and a specialist in the field of child abuse. She knows a little something about burnout, or work the difficulty level I liken to staring at the sun.
Hey, if a Zen Master can burn out, maybe I'm not immune. In a place of safety, we caregivers were able to speak from our hearts about the impact of our work. On ourselves. And so it was there that I was able to look at the list of burnout symptoms, and start to admit, quietly to myself, that I might actually have a touch of this. This was, as we say in the mental health biz, "ego-dystonic," i.e thoughts & feelings that are not consistent with my self-perception.I've been a degreed social worker for 15 years. I've been volunteering in the field since age 15, starting with facilitating peer support groups in high school. There I go again, justifying myself...

Anyway, my feelings towards my job kept returning to the realm of... tired. I could sum it up by saying: "I love my work -- there's just so darn much of it," in a high-volume, high-need county mental health agency with high-intensity clients. And there's the long arc of my career. Where was it headed? Towards more of the same.

So I took Step One, and stepped down to 32 hours. A fabulous quote I once heard in a conversation about the benefits of letting go: "Everything I ever let go of had claw marks all over it." Curious that doing something so pleasant would be so difficult. Why? I began to explore fear; financial of course, but also this sense of identity I have cultivated from being a social worker for15 years. Also see previous blog entries on my recovery from workaholism and the Protestant Work Ethic. Sheesh! My friend Becca eased the transition though, when she christened my Mondays off as "Camp Laura Day." Nice.

A lot of my trepidation came / comes from the worry that if I let myself consider leaving the field of social work, then I might leave the field of social work! Then who would I even be? What would I do? This was not helped by a story told to me by a friend and colleague about his psychologist friend who, in a similar period of discernment, took 6 months off to wander. After 6 months, and no further clarity, he wandered for another 6 months. And discovered that he wanted to... open a pet store. He is now apparently deliriously happy selling reptiles. Okay, so that freaks me out. Not the reptile part; the QUITTING part.

So a year plus of Camp Laura Day, and I'm not cured. Even though I knew / know that this is "Divine Discomfort," the kind of persistent itch that is trying to lead to some spiritual growth, my doubting and frightened mind began to turn to a favorite piece of dialogue from the Drew Carey Show:

Drew's friend: "I'm just not fulfilled by my job."
Drew: "Oh yeah? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY. They meet at the bar."

We all have an Inner Critic. And mine started saying crap like this:

"There you go, being totally lazy. Who do you think you are to even dare considering taking all this time off, making a big change? You have a couple of degrees, a nice indoor job, seniority at your workplace. You just started getting good at this. Lots of people don't get to do meaningful work. And now you are thinking you want to what? See, you don't even know. That just proves you are totally misguided. Misguided and spoiled. 32 hours. Next it'll be 20 hours, then none. What about your retirement? You're going to take time off, and fall apart-- have some kind of existential crisis -- meanwhile the rest of the world is going to work every day. Must be nice."

So I attended the week-long sesshin (meditation retreat) at Great Vow Zen Monastery on Life Vows in January of 2008. Please click here and here to listen to two Dharma talks from this retreat by Abbot, Hogen Bays. They are about the importance of creating / finding space through meditation to make room for waiting, discernment, clarity, confidence, courage, action. (Feast your mind and heart on a complete menu of MP3 Dharma Talks from GVZM.)

The retreat helped clarify for me that I don't need to relinquish my healer archetype. It is a part of me. It's just that some of the other archetypes in my soul would like to have a little room to breathe and a little light shining on them, thank you very much.

Here is a poem that came from this retreat:

"I Am Not a Thing, But a Process"

Bowing three times to Kwan Yin
Steeping in the waters of compassion
and the heat of practice.
Brewing the body and essence of Jomon
Accepting all THAT is.

Aspects of Life Vow emerge
One by one, like stars in the night.
As I emerge to look, listen, and love.
I have only to name them and connect the
constellations:  North Star, Practice, Truth,
Gratitude, Service, Healing, Receptivity, Creativity,
Liberation.
My guides.
Orienting to Openness.

Returning to sit,
Gestating under the golden gaze
of Jizo Bodhisattva,
A warm, undefended heart,
I vow to relieve suffering. 

Okay, but still drifting. Not sure what sort of action this translates into. So I waited. And waited. And then I went to China. And traveled with a spectrum of people from Zen Masters to non-practitioners. And I met lots of Buddhists who didn't speak any English -- from religious rockstar Abbots of huge world-renowned temples, to lay practitioners, to citizen temple-visitors.
What I noticed was the impact of practice. The fruit of practice. The light of practice that emanates from people's eyes, is palpable in their body energy, and flows through their actions. This is available to all of us. It just has to be uncovered. And there is a path, a way to uncover ourselves. It's meditation.

Action:
So I've duct-taped my Inner Critic's mouth, and made some decisions. Well, that's not entirely true. I've taken my IC's opinions and views into consideration, and put them in perspective. It's hard to write my decisions down, even with my little blog's limited distribution list. Making a vow public is one way to strengthen and support a vow. I have talked with my boss at work. And I am doing the footwork to make this happen.

I will attend a sesshin once every other month to start, and my goal is to go every month (except August and / or when Patrick gets to go) in 2009.

• This starts in July, when I attend a 10-day training in Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction.
• Then a 10-day sesshin in September.
• Then a 7-day training in Voice Dialogue at the monastery in October.
• Then a sesshin in December.

It's like going back to school -- without having to go back to school (Thank God).

Whenever I return from a retreat, I know: Nothing is more important than this. This. Uncovering this moment. This life. This is all we have. This is all there is. And to cultivate the clarity, to settle the mind enough to even see what's important requires meditation -- in real time. Then the sky is clear, the North Star is visible, and I can begin to navigate this life.

My Heart Goes Out to China

We got home three days before the massive earthquake. We did not visit any of the places that would be deeply impacted, but I certainly feel the newscasts more deeply-- having just been to China-- and so enjoying connecting with the people, seeing the children and their grannies, and noticing all the hardworking people just trying to get by.

NPR is providing some amazing reporting from the aftermath -- Melissa Block has my respect and awe. I found myself weeping in the car in my driveway listening about mothers and fathers trying to dig their families out of destroyed apartments with their bare hands.

So I am grateful for the opportunity for my heart to open even wider. My one-dimensional idea about China before was... one-dimensional. China is made of people. So here are some of my favorite people pictures from the trip.Please do click on this photo above to see the light in this nun's face

Many of the Chinese Buddhist practitioners we met would bow and greet us with, "Amituofo," which is a Pure Land devotional practice, basically saying the name of Amitabha Buddha over and over (Ch'an and Pure Land have just about completely intertwined in China).

What does Amituofo mean? From the USA Shaolin Temple website:

Amituofo means a multitude of things, depending on how it is used. It can be a greeting, a salutation, a blessing, or it can mean "please" or "I'm sorry." Literally, it is the name of a Buddha, the "Amita" Buddha ("fo" being the Chinese word for Buddha). It is pronounced "Ah-mee-twoh-foh". "Amituofo" is the Chinese transliteration of the Sanskrit "Amitabha".

Who is Amitabha Buddha?

Buddha Amitabha is the Buddha of Infinite Light and Infinite Life. This is a Buddha who presides over the western Land of Ultimate Bliss. Feeling great compassion and wishing to help all beings permanently end suffering. Amitabha Buddha created this perfect land. All those who are reborn there do so through their faith, vows and practice. Amitabha is a transhistorical Buddha, who is venerated by all Mahayana schools, particularly the Pure Land school.

Click here for the source of the above definition as well as several lovely Pure Land chants. (Chinese -- even Ch'an -- chanting is so much more sing-songy than our Japanese-derived Zen chanting).

Here is a Portland-based agency with much expertise in helping with worldwide disasters such as this: Mercy Corps. Check them out, and donate if you are so moved. My heart goes out to China.

Amituofo.

Enough with the LOW RISE PANTS already!

Okay, so it's been a while since I shopped for clothes in a REAL store, i.e not a Goodwill. I must say, that the experience is highly overrated -- the real stores that is -- and exhausting.

I am apparently focusing all of my anxiety about my impending world travel on finding just the right pair of pants. At least I am aware that this is the arbitrary conduit for my neurotic energy. We have been told by the tour guide to bring synthetic fabric, quick-drying clothing, as we will be mostly hand-washing our clothes as we go, and allowing them to dry overnight, so spare the cotton. We will be staying in Ch'an (Zen) monasteries when we are not staying in hotels, walking lots, and out and about in planes trains and automobiles.

I am on a mission to find out whether it is indeed too much to ask to find a pair of pants: Simple, yoga-style pants, synthetic-y fiber (little to no cotton or hemp, please), elastic-y and maybe even some draw-string waist, roomy, flowy, not too jock-y, not too fancy. I even broadened my criteria to include zippered pants, and even started looking for some new jeans. But the main quest was for just some plain black pants -- and here's the hard part -- for an exactly average sized thirty-six-year-old woman.

I went to four or five stores. Tried on armloads of pants. And I have a question: WHO ARE THESE LOW RISE PANTS FOR? Because they are not for someone with hips and a round butt! They are also not for someone who actually moves during their day. Or sits. Or crouches or kneels. Or wears regular underwear.

The zippers for some of the pants were about two inches long. They were often waaaaay too tight around the hips and butt. Most of the pants produced that unfortunate effect known as "muffin-top." This is where the waist of the pants grabs hold of you near the pelvic bones, and the 2-3 inch remainder of your Goddess-given female waist sort of hangs over the sides of the pants.
And if the pants' waist was big enough around not to grab quite that tightly, then crouching or bending would create a gap between the lower back and the pants into which you could fit a small animal. Having pants like these requires a completely new underwear wardrobe, otherwise, "Hi! Here's two inches worth of my Jockey for Her bikini."

I mean, can't you just see it? Bowing reverently, sitting on the floor, giving China a big dose of crack?I was pleased to see that an article about this sad state of affairs has already been written much more eloquently than I ever could. In Slate.com, Amanda Fortini expresses similar sentiment in "The Woes of Low Rise Pants." The part that really amazed me is that she expressed this in the year 2003. And in the article, she traces the history of the hip-hugger, tracking this most recent un-killable zombie-esque fashion incarnation to the year 1995!

I was kvetching about this at work, and one of my colleagues, a 26-year-old, and very fashionable young woman said to me -- truly without trying to be offensive -- that this was a "generation thing." Ruh-ro. This colleague expressed how she really hates those other kind of pants with the "super-high waists," motioning to an area of her "waist" somewhere near her breasts, and that she probably would never buy them.

Now come on, I don't want to wear my pants over my ribs or anything -- just in the approximate neighborhood of my waist, defined as the part that measures smaller than my hips. I'm naturally long-waisted (read short-legged). I look really good in shirts with darts, somewhat tailored jackets and dresses -- anything that comes in a bit at the waist.
Cuz I'm a woman. W-O-M-A-N.

We did agree, however, that the highly unflattering eighties peg-leg pants must be stopped at all costs.

OMG I'm going to China

And I am figuring out how to draw lines on Google Maps!

Check it!

We are going to be Soooooo busy! Follow the cute blue line!

April 23 - May 8, 2008
(requires departure from USA April 22)
April 23: Arrive Beijing, transfer to hotel.
April 24: Visit Great Wall, Big Bell Museum.
April 25: Visit the Forbidden City, Lama Temple.
April 26: Morning departure for Cypress Grove Temple. En route, visit the Yunju Si at Zhoukoudian, site of ancient inscriptions of the Buddhist canon into stone records. Also visit Linji (Rinzai)'s dharma seat and temple at Zhengding. Evening arrival at Cypress Grove monastery.
April 27: Zen study and practice at Zhaozhou (Joshu's) Cypress Grove monastery with the abbot Ming Hai (Clear Sea). Activities will include talks, meditation training, Exploring Zen and Chinese tea, the Wu (Mu) koan.
April 28: Cypress Grove Monastery practice. Visit to Zhaozhou's bridge.
April 29: Continued practice at Cypress Grove Monastery.
Coach departure for 2nd Ancetor's temples. Stay in Anyang City.
April 30: Depart Anyang to ShaolinTemple and Bodhidarma's Cave. Evening stay in Luoyang City.
May 1: Visit Bai Ma Temple and Bodhidharma's burial spot at Kong Xiang Temple. Drive to Xian City.
May 2: Visit Wild Goose Pagoda, where Xuan Zang stored scriptures after returning from India. Terra Cotta Warriors.
May 3: Flight to Hangzhou, China. Coach transfer to Jiu Hua Mountain, sacred mountain of Dizang Bodhisattva.
May 4: Cable car to ride to the mountain temple Bai Xui. Visit the sacred relics of the site. Visit Tong Hui Monastery.
May 5: Visit the pagoda at site of the "true body" of Jizo Bodhisattva. Also visit Kwan Yin Peak, and the "Strangest Pine," called the "Phoenix Pine," and many other sites of Jiuhua Mountain. Late transfer to Huangshan.
May 6: Morning sightseeing and afternoon descent from Huangshan. Evening flight to Shanghai.
May 7: Shanghai's Bund, Museum.
May 8: Flight to the USA

Cooties

I forgot for a second about cooties.

In an otherwise very pleasant cultural exchange this morning with a Buddhist priest originally from Malaysia, we were listening to him talk about the ins and outs of building a Stupa. He knew a lot about the energies of the relics, how to differentiate real relics from fake relics, and the faith and determination building such a thing requires. But he had to make sure to mention the importance of "authorized personnel" only in the consecration process, specifically not to allow any menstruating women in on the gig.

I was literally biting my tongue. I wondered what the other women in the room were thinking.

*sigh*

Now, it's not like menstrual taboo impacted my childhood Christian experience directly. Eve and serpents aside, there were no menstrual huts or special bathing rituals. No, it's pretty much filtered down to the medical / commercial realm to indoctrinate me with the idea I am in need of many products to prevent or correct this icky dirty state. I've been trying to unlearn this crap for years.

Like my friend Inga Muscio, says,

That's like hawking floral air freshener to a lady who lives in a rose garden.

Well, there was also the indoctrination of grade school health class.

Girls are told bleeding is a bad thing, an embarrassing thing, a secret thing that we should hide and remain discreet about come hell or high water.

Boys are told to go outside and play sports while the girls learn about some creepy, cootie-laden mystery that makes blood ooze out from our you-know-whats...

...Were we told anything about how our uteruses are almost exactly like the moon, shedding their linings, growing new ones and shedding all over again? Did the Period Movie teach us thing one about how miraculously cool and sublime the human body's reproductive system is when you're a girl?

F--- no.

All I truly gleaned from this experience was that my c--- was the yucksville reason I had to sit in the stupid cafeteria watching some hack nurse show me how to safety pin a three-mile-wide wad of cotton to a pair of brief underpanties even my grandma wouldn't be caught dead in, while the other half of the sixth grade population was out in the sunshine playing softball.

Well, something tells me that for a Stupa under the auspices of Jizo Bodhisattva (Ksitigarbha), menstruation will not be a hindrance.




The Chinese translation of Ksitigarbha is Dizang, which means Earth Womb fer cryin' out loud! And Jizo's realm is that of women, travelers, children, and children who have died. Jizo is known as the Earth Store Bodhisattva -- guardian of all that comes from the earth.

And to my understanding, that includes blood and guts and the miraculously cool and sublime reproductive systems of women's bodies.

SoulCollage

The Lovers


It's about time I write about this thing that has been a life preserver: SoulCollage. From the creator, Seena B. Frost:

SoulCollage is a process through which you contact your intuition and create an
incredible deck of cards which have deep personal meaning and which will help
you with life's questions.

Following the simple SoulCollage directions, your hands move fragments of cut-out magazine pictures around, fitting them together in a surprising new way and gluing them down on a card. Cards containing the images you select --- or the images that select you --- come straight through your Soul, bypassing the mind. This is a multi-leveled, creative process which anyone can do.

All you need is a good pair of scissors, pre-cut mat board cards, and images you can cut out from magazines, greeting cards, personal photos, postcards, catalogues, and calendars. It is wonderful to have other people with whom to share the process. The cards are fun to take to a friend's house, to work with in therapy or support groups, or to keep on your coffee table.

There are many wonderful things about SoulCollage. One, it is creative, and has created an opportunity for me to let my inner artist out of the basement and squint in the sunlight and fresh air. Two, it is therapeutic, and the cards become tools for emotional plumbing.



Yemaya: Goddess of the Ocean
I am the One who comes from and returns to the Ocean.
I am the One offering my gifts freely.
I am the One who helps scour the sharp edges.

I have been just about obsessed with the making of the cards, as opposed to the reading of and working with the cards. I feel a sense of urgency about making them, like these cards are the alphabet for my soul to spell out and express itself in these pictures.

Another neat thing is that you don't need your own cards; you can project your soul's interpretations onto other people's cards just as well. The SoulCollage process includes speaking for the images within the card, or the entire card itself, by repeatedly completing the sentence "I am the One who..."

Be sure to get a reading of your own here.

And while I'm at it, I simply must give a shout-out to the SoulCollage facilitator who has introduced me to this wonderful process. Suzie Wolfer. She'll give a half-day workshop through the community college about once a season, and various other workshops and groups to bring this process to people. She is passionate about SoulCollage and very kind. Check out her handout materials! Awesome.

Self-Image

An old struggle, I welcome the confidence, or maybe it's the simple familiarity of my thirties.

While I acknowledge nothing is permanent, and there really is no solid ground -- my body will change slowly or rapidly. Nevertheless, I have worked at dismantling many of the damaging beliefs and assumptions about women's bodies, and mine in particular.

It has taken me quite some time to find some semblance of self-acceptance, and I appreciate any relief from the obsession with The Beauty Myth. It's like the relief you get when there has been an annoying hum of a broken refrigerator, a constant irritation that you don't notice until it falls silent.

So what a treat to see so many sweet and candid discussions about body image. Amazing what it takes for us to access compassion and open-heartedness on this issue. Thanks to my brother Brad for forwarding this gem to me!