Heart Sutra Dance Mix

Rant

I've been aspiring to write a series of posts on Pema Chodron's teachings on Shantideva's Way of the Bodhisattva, and well, just haven't found the energy and focus to really get started. But the energy and focus found me. Yesterday I came face to face with a teaching. Yesterday I found myself in the thick of a rant. The rant came after a work-related phone call with another professional. I remained (mostly) polite over the phone, save for a moment or two of sarcasm. When I got off the phone, I realized I was sweating. The anger got internalized, and then in a couple conversations afterwards, it came right out in a self-righteous, beleaguered, insulted, pissed-off rant. With hand gestures. And dramatic vocal range. Now there's some energy and focus. What force could possibly knock Jomon from her equinimitous (is that a word?) Ango practice of Right Speech?

4.27

I am as if benumbed by sorcery,

My mind reduced to total impotence

With no perception of the madness overwhelming me.

O what is it that has me in its grip?

Insurance companies. The minions of Mara.

Dealing with insurance companies is, for me, such a reliable, predictable trigger into fervent righteous angry victim mode, that it is familiar, becoming tiresome even, and still I seem to be able to only helplessly watch it arise. My best intervention has been to just try to avoid interacting with them, though this is not entirely possible. And I'm coming at it from the provider side of things; not even an ill person in need of benefits. I can know this is a danger zone for me, and believe I am about to use my skills to navigate sanely through it this time, and then the next thing you know, I'm Corky St. Clair in "Waiting for Guffman:"

Nobody ever plans to be Corky St. Clair:

6.24

Never thinking, "Now I will be angry."

People are impulsively caught up in anger.

Irritation, likewise comes --

Though never plans to be experienced!

All of it gives me a chance to see where the little velcro hooks are in me that get caught here every time. Certainly I harbor some opinions and views about how health care SHOULD be delivered, but boy howdy, isn't. In fact, this rant always ends the same way, with a soliloquy about the collective cost to a nation of all these bean counters on each side fighting over the same $20 bill in the no man's land of paperwork trench warfare, blah blah blah...

As I've said before, I'm a cheap date when it comes to righteousness (it does have an addictive quality), and I like to be right, and I don't like to not-know. Very strengthening of this ego, this self -- to have some evil empire to bump up against, generate emotion about, and verify all this selfing.

For whatever reason, I also get stuck in the roles in these conversations. I take them too seriously. I fail to see the larger picture. I hold my professional role too tightly, and I also see a them on the phone, something like one of the Borg in a big heartless, faceless corporation.

Indeed there may be some place for righteous anger, perhaps as fuel to change conditions that are oppressive. Nevertheless, Shantideva recommends patience as an antidote to anger. Certainly needed if there is to be change in this system, otherwise burnout will come fast and hard, and what good is that to anyone?

6.2

No evil is there similar to anger,

No austerity to be compared with patience.

Steep yourself, therefore, in patience--

In all ways, urgently, with zeal.

Pema Chodron and Shantideva also talk about three sources of patience:

1. Reframing our attitude toward discomfort,
2. Understanding the complexity of any situation,
3. Developing tolerance.

But here is the kicker:

6.107

So like a treasure found at home,

Enriching me without fatigue,

All enemies are helpers in my bodhisattva work

And therefore they should be a joy to me.

*Sigh*

This bodhisattva work is tough stuff.

toning

Last month's Sesshin was a 10-day Sesshin, a few days longer than usual. We got word a day or two beforehand that this would be a caffeine-free Sesshin. You may have heard the scream from wherever you are when I learned of this.

Turns out, it wasn't so bad. I mean, the first two days are rough anyway. What's a little headache behind the eyes in addition? One thing that certainly eased it was for the first five or so days, we did a practice called toning. It seemed we were doing this for 10-15 minutes each period.

Here is some video:

Not your traditional Zen Sesshin activity, but definitely skillful means. Toning has a way of allowing the breath to fill the body. We could choose to tone the sounds 'mu', 'om', or 'ah'. We were not to be striving for prettiness, or harmony, or sounding "good" or any of that. Rather, filling ones whole being with the sound, becoming the sound, allowing the sound to be large, to fill the room... this was the experience. And sometimes the focus would be completely on the body, the individual sound, and other times, the sound would weave all around the room to join the other sounds. Sometimes the sounds would migrate together, like a flock of birds lifting and landing together. Other times it was a cacophony.

I have never in my life been able to project my voice in this way. It took a couple days, but finding a way to open open open and let out a sound that was not straining, but deeply powerful. Completely surprising.

Sometimes when the room settled into the 'ah' sound, it evoked an ethereal, angelic quality. Of course, the video doesn't capture the experience at all, but maybe you can get the drift.

Distinguishing Comfort and Discomfort

It's off to Sesshin tomorrow, and with it, the mild obsession shaded with gentle tones of dread about Being Uncomfortable. I should just add it to my packing list: "Mild Dread About Being Uncomfortable." Check. Because there it always is in some form or another.

There have been some posts looking at renunciation on Dangerous Harvests and No Zen in the West that have been powerful. I read a quote (somewhere sometime) on renunciation by Ajahn Amaro. He says that there is some sadness in renunciation, but also such joy as we let go of old ways of being, and embrace more wholesome ways. Or some such.

It led me to recall one Sesshin which happened to fall during the St. Louis Cardinals World Series. MY Beloved St Louis Cardinals! Missing it was a mild bummer, but it turned out that I really had no interest in trading the opportunity to sit Sesshin for the ability to watch the series. It rather just gently fell away.

There is a line in Shantideva's Way of the Bodhisattva that I've been carrying (and meant to really flesh out in some fancy big blog post) that compares the renunciation of letting go of non-virtuous actions to the experience of a person condemned to death row, then who is suddenly spared and only has their hand cut off instead. Whatever we are giving up, whatever discomforts we are experiencing is really nothing compared to the misery and suffering that we would have if we chose NOT to walk this path.

And in not at all unrelated news, I'll also be carrying Jeanne (aka the Dalai Grandma) and her living kidney donor Laura, in my heart, with best wishes that their kidney transplant surgery went as well as can be for both of them yesterday. May they and all of us be well.

Dharma Dogs

We interrupt this very serious post about Shantideva's Way of the Bodhisattva to bring you the latest in very skillful four-legged Bodhisattvas:

What would you have said?

I went to a downtown frame shop to frame some prints for my office. I work right in the heart of downtown, now, which is a HUGE shift from the rural ville of 3,000 or so folks where I worked for 9 years.

Making small talk with the framer about the destination of these prints, and my recent transition got him talking about working downtown too, and we went way beyond appreciating Portland's weirdness when he started going on about how aggressive the panhandlers are, and how soft Portland is on them. There had been an article in the city paper some weeks ago with the headline "Would Rudy Giuliani Put Up With This?" or something. He even went in the back room to get the paper, to show me how he thought the ostensibly homeless fellow in the cover photo even had an iPhone. To be fair, his issue was with people he thought were not in fact needy or homeless, but were merely affecting the lifestyle -- young people with ripped clothing and very expensive guitars.

Diane Eshin Rizzetto in her book Waking Up To What You Do, discusses the Precepts like a lighthouse. It doesn't tell you what to do or not do; it alerts you to dangerous waters. You are free to change course, or, if needed, proceed to shore with caution. It is there to remind you to Look! Listen! Pay attention!

So I've waded into this conversation, and I can see and hear the lighthouse image! Wonderful! Now what? Well, she advises us (during or after the interaction) to check our body sensations, emotions, and try to tease out the story that we are telling ourselves.

Body sensations - a little tension in the muscles, a little fidgety, eyes wandering more.

Emotions - a little anxious.

Thoughts - Wanting to connect with this guy, and also not wanting to denigrate a whole population of people in the process.

So now what? Change the subject? I am really terrible at that. I think I said some mild thing like 'Gosh, it's really something we have to work with all the time, huh. ' Not my finest hour, but also not playing into a conversation I probably would have felt worse about later.

What would you have said?

My husband is the frontrunner on this question: "Yeah, that iPhone probably made him homeless! AT&T and all their charges!"

Now I Atone For It All

It's a good thing I had a few days to reflect on this searching and fearless moral inventory. The workbook I used listed many open questions on each of the following topics:

Honesty, Love, Maturity, Sex, Fear, Anger, Self-Worth, Responsibilities, Finances, Gratitude, and more. Daunting, but so helpful!

So what comes of setting aside a few days to reflect on one's strengths and shortcomings? After a few days of writingwritingwriting on these subjects, it turns out there is a lot more right with me than there is wrong with me. This is no surprise -- to anyone who doesn't carry my driver's license. Actually going through the whole process was key to seeing this clearly. To be open to it all, positive, negative, neutral, and to remain in non-judgmental stance as much as possible. When we're afraid to look, the challenges can loom large -- like a monster in the closet. But opening the door and shining a flashlight reveals it was just a coat.

There weren't really any big surprises, just a wonderful opportunity to focus, and to begin moving more deeply into practicing with the Precepts. From here, I have decided to focus more on the Precepts pertaining to Right Speech.

One of the many great things about this retreat was that I got to create my own structure and container. Another great thing was that I actually worked with the Dharma books I brought (as opposed to hauling them around out of worry that I would lack something to do). Mostly I read and worked with Waking Up to What You Do, a wonderful book on applying the Precepts in our lives by Diane Eshin Rissetto. This book deserves a whole post of its own. One of the things I love about it is her re-ordering of the Precepts, and her use of language in the positive. For example, "I Take Up the Way of Speaking of Others With Openness and Possibility." "I Take Up the Way of Meeting Others on Equal Ground."

I also worked with No Time to Lose, A Timely Guide to the Way of the Bodhisattva by Pema Chodron,

and The Heart of Being by Daido Loori.

All of these focused to some degree or another on the Precepts, and I really enjoyed seeing the overlaps in the 12-Step process and the Precepts, since this is the first time I have done such a structured 4th Step (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves) since I started practicing Buddhism.

And of course, I'm not done; the 4th Step is followed by the 5th Step (Admitted to our Higher Power, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs).

There is something spiritually universal or archetypal around this template of self-assessment, confession, atonement, and rededication. How wonderful that we do not have to reinvent the wheel of how to live a decent human life. It only occurred to me yesterday that this retreat happened to fall during Yom Kippur. I appreciate James Ford's post about Yom Kippur and the importance of ever-returning to such practices as atonement and rededication as an integral part of the path to peace.

Shantideva spends a lot of time doing what Pema Chodron calls "Preparing the Ground" for being a Bodhisattva. This includes atonement. She writes,

Rather than hiding our mistakes from ourselves and others, we forthrightly declare them. By acknowledging them to ourselves, we avoid self-deception. In certain circumstances we may also declare them to someone else, as witness to our wise intention.

To see clearly how we strengthen or weaken crippling patterns, we have to bring them to light... You may ask, "Isn't it enough to acknowledge my regrets to myself?" It does help a lot, but not enough to completely dissolve self-deception. When we express our regrets to the buddhas or another human being, we can't kid ourselves. As an act of self-compassion and self-respect, we use a witness to expose ourselves to ourselves...

The practice of confession... relies on the view that neurosis, while it may feel monolithic or immutable, is essentially transitory and insubstantial. It is just very strong energy that we mistakenly identify as a solid and permanent "me". Confessing, like making offerings and prostrations, helps us let go of this fixed version of who we are.

A friend in the 12 Steps said the 4th Step and 5th Steps are like flushing the toilet. What if you never did that at home, and instead chose to ignore or pretend there was no need? What if you flushed once and said, 'Whew! Glad that's overwith.' No, we have to deal with our "shit" on a daily basis. And being full of shit is not a problem unless we are not recognizing it and acting accordingly.

I admit to some resistance to the process, though, which I think is pretty natural. My resistance showed up in at least one amusing way. I had decided that Friday Morning After Breakfast would be when I would start writing. I brought my workbook and little tote bag of other books into the peace and quiet of the Lodge library, crawled into an overstuffed couch, and found myself not writing, but reading. Reading the first chapter of Eshin's book, which was on Honesty. Well the first workbook writing would be about Honesty, so I guessed a little preliminary reading was OK. And ahh, the geothermally supplied warmth of the radiators! The comfort of the sound of gently falling rain outside! Yep, I was instantly and completely overcome by a drooling NAP. Fell sound asleep whilst reading Waking Up to What You Do. It would have been a marvelous photo.

These aggressive naps overtook me throughout the process just prior to starting out another session of writing. And it's not like I'm tired. I have not been this well-rested and stably energetic in quite a while. No, these were psychological / emotional naps. And I didn't make a big deal about it, I would just wake up, mop the drool, and begin the next writing session perhaps even a little more refreshed and focused.

More on the Way of the Bodhisattva soon.