What is a Mistake?

The Fool archetype has been allowed to express a little more of herself in my life since I began Zen practice. Now a large part of my practice is "to make mistakes with gusto". This means to notice and to be present for that very moment of realization when it becomes clear that my operating assumptions were incorrect. Not in accord with what is.

I stopped trying to avoid looking at mistakes I had made, and started holding them with gentleness. I also stopped trying to avoid making mistakes at all costs. Sometimes I even celebrated them: "TA-DA!" And I found that moment -- realizing that what I thought was true is not in fact the case -- can be quite delicious and amusing. Or really painful. And then either way, just sitting with it.

Oh, poor dear Hannah. It has come to light that she has problems of such complexity and depth. And as she gets more comfortable here in a safe and stable environment, still more problems are revealed. She has apparently been quite shut down, which is normal. But now she is unraveling. And the behaviors she now exhibits point to only a few possible origins: 1) Very unusual genetic makeup, 2) Definite neglect and possible / likely abuse, 3) A combination of 1 and 2. It is actually staggering to imagine what someone would have to do to make a labrador afraid of people.

Can a mistake even exist in this moment? The Jomon of a month ago and her state of mind and her decisions are gone. The Jomon of today looks at a completely different set of circumstances. Where is the mistake?

The Jomon of today looks at those and these circumstances through the lenses of the Precepts, and with as much clarity and compassion that can be mustered. We are here in this situation. We are responsible for this girl now. And she's a lot.

After training her onto a chest harness and then a halti collar, we were able to walk the neighborhood with her. If we don't see any people, other dogs, buses, trucks, bikes, cats or strollers -- within about a half-block radius -- it's fine. She is deeply scared of everything, feels unable to flee, and so responds with powerful leash aggression.

Hannah has also now snapped at two vet techs, and yesterday bit Greta, the behavioral specialist, who we had come into our home to evaluate her. Greta pointed out that the bite was inhibited; did not break skin, but my gosh. The significance of this is so heavy on our hearts.

I see now that along the line, there has either been deep unconsciousness about this dog and her true needs, or out-and-out lying. Or both. She is not, in fact, "good with cats" as I had been told, or even "good with kids", which I was also told (and am frightened to imagine that she could have been adopted by a family with children).

I have in the past 4 weeks become quite current on the state of the art of dog training. I like to read and research when I am stressed or in crisis. We have been able to make progress in some areas. The behaviorist was hella impressed that I was able to get this deeply head-shy dog into a head harness and love it. But there are places in Hannah's heart and brain that are not amenable to training.

Hannah can meet new people in our backyard okay, but meeting them in the house, like she did with the behaviorist -- 3 hours, lots of cheese (even tripe!), and still deeply suspicious. Probably because she feels she has nowhere to escape. And she gives not much warning either. Not a lot of fear-looking backing away body language when strangers are in her "too much" zone. Instead of the loud aggressive-looking "GET AWAY FROM ME!" barking and lunging she does on walks, she is just very still, stiff, and tentative. And she's a yellow lab. So people don't expect it.

The behaviorist gave us a rather grim prognosis. This dog does not enjoy being around people (other than the two she now lives with). This dog does not enjoy being around other dogs; at least not on a leash, which is the primary mode of exercise we have to offer her. This dog does not enjoy encountering the things that being in the world would inevitably produce. The behaviorist suggested that a dog this fearful could exercise on an indoor treadmill. That and to take her swimming (but then there's the problem with her fear of the car).

We will soon have a detailed report, and pages of recommendations for the myriad of ways we would need to adjust our environment, and attempt to rewire her through training, which would take years, and even then, this dog will probably not ever be safe around children. Her care will require the use of muzzles at various points. Any one or even a few of her problems would be workable. But taken together, it is overwhelming.

Our lives would be about protecting this dog from the world, and protecting the world from this dog.

So we will be turning towards re-homing, but Hannah now comes with a detailed and honest report. The likelihood of finding someone willing to take this on is low, though there are people for whom this is their mission -- to maintain the lives of all dogs at all costs -- Lab rescue organizations, etc. We will try to find these people for her; not dump her on a shelter that might try to re-home her, sending her off to someone else with a paragraph description of who they wish she was, or hope she could be. We are looking at comfort measures in the meantime.

So sitting with the shame of this. Maybe it's more like sorrow. Because we didn't create this. But we have inherited it as a result of some naivete on my part, and a series of others' misguided deeds. We can only do our best to make sure this poor, suffering dog does not harm anyone, and is as comfortable as she can be, as we take the best information we could get, and try to see it with as much clarity as possible, through the lenses of the Precepts and our vows.

What is a mistake?