Sword of Compassion

It seems like a long time ago that we adopted a cute yellow lab girl. I guess it wasn't that long ago. There was a gradual realization that her behaviors were seeming out of the range we are able to work with on our own. So we started seeking help -- to find out what we could do to make our home work for her, or learn what her needs actually were so someone else might meet them.

Along the way, we had a 3-hour evaluation by a certified behaviorist. Since that day, and upon receipt of her report, we have been in a lot of conversation and discernment. This behaviorist is very experienced, having worked in shelters in the past. She has seen quite a range of dogs and dog behavior problems, and helped many work through them to some degree or another.

She clearly recommends against re-homing. On ethical and safety grounds.

"Ethically, I can give two recommendations for Hannah: Keep her and work on the behavior issues, or humanely euthanize her. I do not believe she is a good candidate for rehoming. Occasionally, an adopter for a dog like this appears and if this were to occur in a timely fashion, I think Hannah is not too unsafe to give this option a try. However, in my experience, certain adopters have a tendency to fall for hard cases, and even full disclosure will not pierce their denial. It would be very easy for Hannah to end up in such a home, so very careful screening would be needed."

She gave us some specifics about the kinds of folks she has seen in her own years doing rescue and shelter work; these "certain adopters" who would knowingly adopt a dog like this. The key word is "knowingly." And it doesn't sound healthy for anybody.

She also talked at length about why Hannah would not benefit from a rescuer / trainer who uses the kinds of methods seen on TV shows these days. There is a danger that she could be trained out of certain behaviors, but the underlying fear and aggressiveness would remain, and a risk that she may escalate to more dangerous biting in a fearful situation with even less warning.

So we have watched our options dwindle. And it leaves us at euthanasia. I had a sense that fear-biting behavior in a dog of this size might lead us here, but I knew I needed to have many eyes on this situation to be sure. Here's how the behaviorist puts it:

"It is never easy or comfortable to contemplate taking the life of a dog, especially one like Hannah, who clearly would rather not have to even be in a position where she must behave dangerously. At the same time, Hannah is not a happy dog. She is most likely experiencing a feeling of anxiety most of the time she is awake, and possibly when asleep, too. The alternative, behavior modification, would make her life small for a long time. It would also make your life very small. You also would be anxious and afraid that she would hurt someone, or be hurt. If Hannah can be made happy, it will take a minimum of many months of hard work, perhaps years. Some families are better set up to accommodate a dog like this; they can let the dog have a space where she can live unmolested, they never need boarding, and they have something like kennel runs where she can be kept safe, and others safe from her, whenever needed. This is not your situation. There is also the moral question about whether a dog would choose such a life over a peaceful death. We are forced to make this choice for them.

"Although Hannah’s actual dangerous behavior is nowhere near as severe as some dogs I have seen in my time, she is clearly globally anxious and fearful and not having fun, period. I mentioned euthanasia as a possibility during our first visit and you have duly thought about the situation. If neither keeping Hannah nor rehoming is a rational option, then I think euthanasia is reasonable in this case. It truly would be an act of mercy.

"Most veterinarians are realistic and kind about the realities of the choices we sometimes have to make about dogs whose behavior makes them unable to live safely or comfortably with people. In my experience, a veterinarian is very unlikely to oppose a decision to euthanize Hannah given her obvious fearfulness and defensiveness. Your veterinarian knows that Hannah is prone to biting and will understand that at the very least, this creates a serious liability issue for you – not to mention many serious practical issues, and quality of life issues for both you two and for Hannah. If your decision is to euthanize and your veterinarian has any questions I can address in any way, I am happy to talk to him or her about my observations and assessment as well as my experiences in rescue, shelter work, etc..

"...I am sorry you two were placed in the positions of having to be the grownups after other supposed adults abdicated their basic responsibilities to society, to this dog, and to you. It is not fair."

So here we are. Endeavoring to offer her compassion in this form. In his book on the Precepts, The Heart of Being, Daido Roshi refers to an experience in which he accidentally hit a young raccoon with his car. It was badly injured and suffering a great deal. He said that in that moment, he was too squeamish to back over it and end its pain. He called this side of the First Precept the "sword of compassion."

We are orchestrating an in-home euthanasia, so that -- to whatever degree we can arrange -- Hannah is not dying in complete panic at a veterinary hospital. I have been learning all about this process, having spoken to several veterinarians (my retired dad included). The physically difficult part is -- safely and with as little panic as possible -- getting the veterinarian within injection range, so that a strong sedative can be administered. After that, there will be time when Hannah is essentially under general anesthesia for us to do some chanting, say goodbye, send her along with our strongest wish that she have a peaceful transition and a beneficial rebirth.

There is a way that this is clear in my heart. It is, and has been. Having grown up with a veterinarian dad, I have seen the place of euthanasia as a means of ending suffering. I never saw it used casually, or as a matter of convenience. The only time(s) I saw my dad cry was when he put our own dogs "to sleep". This clarity makes it no less excruciating.

Nevertheless, I have gone ahead and allowed a lot of doubt, and opened my heart wide to the pain in this. I have let myself comb over and over it, reaching out for the perspectives of other people, and looking at this as best I can through the lens of the Precepts.

The Precepts are alive. We don't get to sit at some fixed interpretation of them and stare down our noses at those we deem misguided. We also don't get to play with them like squishy silly-putty, shaping them into whatever justification for our own greed, anger, and ignorance. Well, I guess we can do that, and it might feel good or secure to do, but it does take the life right out of them.

So we are taking full responsibility, acting with an intention to relieve suffering. Tomorrow morning. Chozen Roshi recommended we have a photo of Hannah on our altar, and chant the Jizo Dharani for her every day for 49 days. You're welcome to join us if you like -- it takes us to August 9th.

And tomorrow afternoon I am going to the Lovingkindness Sesshin. Where I can sit intimately with this. My intention also is to cultivate lovingkindness to all the people who have ever touched this dog's life. I can never know their situations or intentions, but my mind wants to make up stories, and then get all angry and self-righteous. When I really have no idea, and there is, in fact, no separation between us-and-them. May we all be free.

Om ka ka kabi san ma e sowa ka