A Bodhisattva and a Codependent walk into a bar...

I have no idea how to finish that joke, but I almost think the lead-in is funny enough on its own! I have often wondered what the difference is.

Bodhisattvas are essentially the Buddhist version of saints. They have one foot in the Divine realm, and one foot in the human realm. They are humans whose practice was such that they could enter Nirvana, but instead volunteer to remain in the human realm to help others until all beings are freed. They are selfless. Jizo Bodhisattva vows to enter the Hell realms in order to free all beings there, getting his / her robes singed in the process. Kwan Yin "hears the cries of the world."



Here is a chant we do at the Zen Center called Shantideva's Way of the Bodhisattva:

I rejoice in the virtue of all beings which frees
them from suffering!
To help them attain the Way I offer any virtue
that I have.
Thus may the pain of every living creature
be completely cleared away!
May I become doctor and medicine and may
I be the nurse for all sick beings in the world
until everyone is healed.
May a rain of food and drink descend to clear
away the pain of thirst and hunger,
And during the ages marked by scarcity may I
change into food and drink!
May I become an inexhaustible treasure for
those who are poor and destitute;
May I turn into all things they need and may
these be placed close beside them!
Whenever those who encounter me conceive a
single faithful or angry thought,
May even that become the source for fulfilling
all their goals!
May all who say bad things to me or cause me
any other harm.
And those who mock me and insult me have
the fortune to awaken fully!
May I be a protector of those without one -
a guide for all travelers on the way;
May I be a bridge a boat and a ship for all
who wish to cross the water!
May I be an island for those who seek one
and a lamp for those desiring light!
May I be a bed for all who wish to rest
and a servant to those in need.
May I be a wishing jewel a magic vase
a great mantra and potent medicine,
May I be a wish-fulfilling tree and
a cow of plenty for the world!
Just like the great elements such as earth
enduring as space itself,
May I always support the life
of boundless untold beings!
And until they pass beyond pain may I also be
the source of life for all the realms of varied
beings that reach unto the ends of space!
Just as the previous Buddhas embraced
the awakened state of mind.
And just as they step by step embodied
the Bodhisattva practices
Likewise for the sake of all that lives
do I adopt the spirit of enlightenment,
And will also follow
the Way of the Bodhisattva.

Selfless, completely other-focused, willing to suffer in the name of assisting others. Sometimes when I read these aspirations, it makes me physically tired. I certainly have yet to become that inexhaustible treasure. A more contemporary description can be found in this article by Lama Surya Das, "The Backyard Bodhisattva."

Codependents... don't actually have an official definition. This makes the word a bit of a blunt instrument. It can be broadly applied. The term was initially "enabler," often the non-alcoholic partner in an alcoholic family, often a woman. And it is often applied to behaviors that have been specifically encouraged by patriarchal culture, then handily pathologized. I am fishing the baby out of the bathwater here in looking at some of the possibly useful criteria. There are not specific diagnostic criteria, but there are collections of patterns and behaviors common to those who have grown up within a family touched by addiction, and those patterns and behaviors may not be very effective. Codependent behavior is characterized by compulsive helping. Helping that breeds dependence. Here is a list from CoDA, Codependents Anonymous:

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence

These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.

Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.

Patterns and Characteristics of Codependance is reprinted from the website www.CoDA.org with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.

Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated and its licensors - All Rights Reserved

The difference was made even clearer to me when I ran across this article by Rachel Naomi Remen, MD. "In the Service of Life". She contrasts helping and serving. Helping, she says, is basically all about me. It's all about what I can do for you, from a position of knowing to your not-knowing. You become indebted to me for my help. Service, on the other hand, comes from a place of equality, recognizing the humanness of each of us, and each of us bringing the completeness and wholeness of ourselves -- our light and our shadow -- to this Mystery of interaction, and both of us benefit.

Here is a wonderful merging of the two; The Path to Recovery also from CoDA:

I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment.

I embrace my feelings as being valid and important. I am truthful with myself.

I keep the focus on my own well-being. I know the difference between caring and caretaking.

I trust my ability to make effective decisions.

I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection.

I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive

I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when it’s necessary and appropriate.

I have confidence in myself. I no longer seek others’ approval of my thoughts, feelings, and behavior.

I recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person.

I am rooted in my own values, even if others don’t agree or become angry.

I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others.

I am committed to my safety and recovery work. I leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.

I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.

I consider my own interests first when asked to participate in another’s plans.

My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. I know the difference between lust and love.

I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives. My job is to let them.

I accept and value the differing thoughts, feelings, and opinions of others.

I feel comfortable when I see others take care of themselves.

I am a compassionate and empathic listener, giving advice only if directly asked.

I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift.

I feel loved and accepted for myself, just the way I am.

I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance.