Do Not Want!

A brief entry that will probably not be as eloquent or graceful as I'd like it to be: I apparently have alopecia areata. This is an auto-immune problem, in which the immune system attacks hair follicles. It's relatively common, though I'd never heard of it before.
It was diagnosed by my barber about 2 months ago, and started out about a dime or nickel-sized spot. The original bald spot has since gotten bigger, and a new bald spot has developed behind my right ear too. So I am seeing my D.O. next week. Y'know, for an actual diagnosis.

Like many auto-immune issues, this is apparently totally unpredictable. Many people spontaneously start growing their hair back. Some go on to have alopecia totalis, and lose every hair on their head and body.

I guess I picked the right religion if I go bald.

So here it is, an opportunity for practice. I am so glad I have some skills to deal with this mind! Were it not for some very functional brakes, the Scary-Thought Train goes non-stop to complete debilitation with Rheumatoid Arthritis or Systemic Lupus, or some other one of those big scary auto-immune diseases that are often associated with alopecia areata, and Raynaud's Disease, which I also have.

But that is not happening right now.

Also what is not happening: About 5,000 other worse things. There are many worse things than these odd little bodily quirks I am currently experiencing. This is not to say I am not paying attention. My dear friend Amy P who has been a nurse for nearly 2 decades and is currently an acupuncturist and Chinese herbalist has given me a free consultation, and says that my collection of problems are quite comprehensible within the framework of Chinese medicine.

This is apparently a metal and wood problem.

And it may also be related to celiac disease (hi, Tay!), and there's a whole 5 stages of grief that wants to happen around saying good-bye to gluten. But that's not happening right now either.

So now my job is to fill out a daily log of ten categories, with many things that western medicine wouldn't probably care too much about.

That and go to sesshin. So I need to get packing and go within the next hour.

There, at the monastery, I get to sit down with this mind's habits, and one of my greatest hits, which is really awake and triggered by this newest change: What does everyone think of me? Good lord, this is boring, but there it is. Again. This hair loss has resulted in me wondering what stories people make up when they see the bald spot. As if it looms as large for anyone else.

I have been trying to cover it with hair, and subsequently have cared more about my hair than I have for years and years. I have even used a hair dryer for the first time in about 10 years. It is so exhausting, this thought habit of my mind, and I am really so tired of it.

Off to sesshin.

See you next week!