Dialectical Sabbatical

As Sabbatical draws nearer, I am noticing a pronounced polarization happening inside:

• Active / Receptive
• Personal / Professional
• Growth / Rest
  

What I appreciate about dialectics is knowing that these seeming opposites can indeed be incorporated and transcended. I'm not quite there though.

I sense the Inner Critic is the source of my mild distress. I can tell, because it's got me coming and going. The Inner Critic will criticize 'A' and 'not-A'. Imagine a busy-body voice dripping with gotcha:

"I thought you were supposed to rest on this Sabbatical."
vs.
"Oh, so your Sabbatical is going to be one big vacation -- must be nice."

It's like driving with the gas and the brake on at the same time. Ironic that I am struggling so hard with stopping.

On one side, I have lots of goals. This is what enabled me to actually say yes to Sabbatical. I had to justify it to the inner workhorse. Prove to myself that it would entail lots of career development, and would indeed be very useful and very practical. So I have a big list and a spiel to talk about this side of the whole deal, and it sounds very clinical and academic and busy.

Then there's the other side. The side of personal and spiritual development. I started making a collage about Sabbatical, and it reflects this side -- lots of yoga, meditation, outdoor activity, retreats at the monastery, baths, gardening and cooking. Even all this is pretty busy too. And if Heart of Wisdom Zen Temple obtains a building of its own, well then I will be very busy.

I had a long conversation with Mushin -- she's a longtime member of our Sangha, a Dharma-Holder and a therapist, and has been an ongoing sounding-board of wisdom for my thoughts about how Zen practice is mingling with and now seems to be hijacking my career. We talked about doing nothing. This is a foreign concept. It feels like swimming against a mighty river of Protestant Work Ethic karma.

"Sitting quietly, doing nothing, Spring arrives and the grass grows by itself."

Mushin encouraged me to look at the existing Jewish traditions of observing the Sabbath. She suggested that even within my Sabbatical, I might designate a day every week to observe a Sabbath Day very formally. I love the idea of going right to the source of the word itself.

There are 39 categories of activity that are prohibited on Shabbat. These can be simplified into two broader categories: 1) Creative activity, and 2) Activity that changes one's environment. This has been very interesting reading, and the various levels of observance end up prohibiting different things. For the most part, they include these: Driving a car, using electricity, writing, washing, playing instruments, watching TV, sewing, cooking, etc.

Here is a list of encouraged activity:

• Spending Shabbat together with other Jews
• Attending synagogue
  
• Socializing with family and friends
• Hosting guests for Shabbat meals
• Singing special songs for the Shabbat meal
• Reading, studying and discussing Torah and commentary
• Sexual relations between husband and wife, particularly on Shabbat eve
  
• Taking Shabbat naps

I notice myself seeking permission for taking this Sabbatical. Even though I have already decided to do it. I can find it in other traditions, other cultures, other countries. This normalizes and justifies it to some degree. I found that in one article, 75% of the British workforce is considering a "Career Break." Yeah, they even have their own word for it. And that so many of them are considering it... well it's decidedly un-American.

The thing is, it really doesn't matter where else these kinds of things are practiced, or how important they are to others. The important thing is for me to continue to consult myself. I have been in deep discernment for a long time, and have tapped into a very still, quiet place that does not require statistics, ancient religious law, or even words. It's more like the truth of simply exhaling. Or the truth of the seasons. The truth of night. A natural pull towards what is true that I can trust if I am quiet and listen deeply.