My teacher often says, "Have great confidence." He might as well be saying "Be six feet tall." Is confidence something one can get or have? Or not-have? The dictionary says it's a feeling or belief, and those are quite unstable.
confidence
[kon-fi-duh
ns] | - n | |
| 1. | a feeling of trust in a person or thing: I have confidence in his abilities |
| 2. | belief in one's own abilities; self-assurance |
| 3. | trust or a trustful relationship: take me into your confidence |
| 4. | something confided or entrusted; secret |
| 5. | in confidence as a secret |
confidence
c.1430, from L. confidentia, from confidentem, prp. of confidere"to have full trust or reliance," from con-, intensive prefix, +fidere "to trust" (see faith).
Can a person have great confidence in the midst of fear or doubt or self-consciousness? Snippets from Marge Piercy's poem "For Strong Women" come to mind:
A strong woman is strong
in words, in action, in connection, in feeling...
...Strength is not in her, but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.
Where is the line between confidence and arrogance? Arrogance, it seems, is a special brand of foolishness. I thought I had embraced my inner fool, become willing to not-know, to make mistakes with gusto. But I continue to deeply fear exhibiting arrogance, thanks in large part to well-indoctrinated gender training. It seems like a state of thinking-I-know-but-really-I-don't; an even bigger fool. And it can be harmful to others.
ns] Origin:
1275–1325; Middle English < Middle French < Latin arrogantia presumption.
Interesting internet find: What would Genpo have to say about arrogance?
Then there's humility. And careful: False humility.
Where is the line between confidence and arrogance? Arrogance, it seems, is a special brand of foolishness. I thought I had embraced my inner fool, become willing to not-know, to make mistakes with gusto. But I continue to deeply fear exhibiting arrogance, thanks in large part to well-indoctrinated gender training. It seems like a state of thinking-I-know-but-really-I-don't; an even bigger fool. And it can be harmful to others.
ar·ro·gance
[ar-uh-guhns] noun
offensive display of superiority or self-importance; overbearingpride.
1275–1325; Middle English < Middle French < Latin arrogantia presumption.
Interesting internet find: What would Genpo have to say about arrogance?
Then there's humility. And careful: False humility.
hu·mil·i·ty
[hyoo-mil-i-tee or, often, yoo-]noun
the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.
Origin: 1275–1325; Middle English humilite < Latin humilitās.
This Latin root, hum, connects us as humans, our ability to be humane, the earth (humus), and with this low-to-the-ground submissiveness, humility. I first heard this joke pointing to false humility from Jon Kabat-Zinn:
A rabbi is kneeling in front of the altar.
“God, I am nothing and you are everything”, he says.
The cantor sees him and he kneels down and says,
“God, I am nothing and you are everything”.
The assistant rabbi sees them and he too does the same thing.
The janitor sees them and is so moved that he too kneels down and says,
“God, you are everything and I am nothing”.
The assistant rabbi nudges the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he’s nothing”.
“God, I am nothing and you are everything”, he says.
The cantor sees him and he kneels down and says,
“God, I am nothing and you are everything”.
The assistant rabbi sees them and he too does the same thing.
The janitor sees them and is so moved that he too kneels down and says,
“God, you are everything and I am nothing”.
The assistant rabbi nudges the cantor and says, "Look who thinks he’s nothing”.
Surrender is not the same as submission. Self-loathing is a small, selfish world. Much like the selfishness of arrogance. True humility makes us larger, connects us to others rather than sets us apart.
So what is confidence?
10 comments:
lately, i've been thinking that confidence is the ability to be exactly who you are, without anything extra or anything turned away from.
This is a huge, beautiful question of love. Thank you for asking it!
The way you take apart the definition of confidence is quite remarkable and I certainly agree with all of it. And yet, it really is an elephant, unwilling to surrender to any one form, isn't it? It also seems to me that confidence is like a see-saw: it is a not only the singular point where all things are in balance. That would be a rather boring see-saw. Perhaps it is more of a passing through these various states you describe: trust, strength to act, discernment of consequences, predictive beliefs... and onto the shadow sides of these - arrogance, manipulative assurance or humility... A widely swinging see saw is scary; one that has a rhythmic rise and fall is more useful.
In my own practice, I tend to experience myself as profoundly lacking in confidence and as a result am likely unskillful when those feeling take off on the runways of my inner airport. I've tried to begin with simply observing the things I do that bring me a felt sense of stillness, fulfillment, even joy. By logging these into my sensation-bank, I build a refuge for those moments when I am truly fearful of my ability to face or recover from whatever is presenting to me in this moment.
But I don't believe confidence arises simply from doing things that make us feel efficacious or good. I believe it comes from attending to the moment-by-moment process of how I fall off the path AND how I return to it. Confidence is not something I can practice - not big on the self-affirmations in the mirror, I fear! It is however something that emerges when I spend sufficient time (eons it seems) seeing that I too have emerged from every situation.
Thank you for giving me this chance to consider a very important teaching.
Lynette Genju
@Nathan, the element of acceptance, self-acceptance seems like a helpful piece here.
@108: I like the see-saw metaphor. I feel like I've been holding my see-saw down on one side, not willing to try arrogance-practice. What even is that? I don't take much stock in affirmations, either, and haven't been able to "drum up" confidence that or any other way. This faith in our own emergence -- this is an interesting piece. Not knowing HOW we'll emerge from every situation, but THAT we'll emerge, as we always hav... that is something for me to pay attention to.
Lately I have been doing a lot of performance work (acting), and Marge Piercy's poem connects it for me. "Fear" is I, self-satisfaction is "I," longing to be free of self is also "I." When the stage is an ocean and there is no performance, just the play making waves through me, I suppose this is true confidence. But that's not something I can experience subjectively -- "Oh, I feel confident" -- sort of like enlightenment, come to think of it.
I feel confidence in my center, that golden chakra. If it comes to how I feel, anyone else's approval or consensus is irrelevant. If my opinion, on the other hand, isn't shared, okay, I don't argue perspectives. I do know this is my life and no one else has any idea of my deep history or context or can know what I should do or pursue. So their judgment is irrelevant. Tho it may piss me off, I admit. This is almost about right understanding.
@Algernon - thank you for your perspective from the stage. That it cannot be experienced subjectively, indeed -- or else there is an I. Very helpful.
@ DG - I am diving into some reading about Right Understanding, which certainly echoes much of what has been shared here as well. A wise woman once told me "When you begin a sentence with the words 'In my experience,' you cannot be wrong." It sounds like that is very much what you are sharing here too. THANK YOU!
Just letting you know I featured this post and your blog on my list of best buddhism blogs: http://www.allconsidering.com/2011/best-buddhist-blogs/
Katinka, thank you for featuring nothing to attain. What an honor! I have also enjoyed perusing some of the other blogs you found, and appreciate finding out about you, too! Wonderful to find another companion on the Path. ~Jomon
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