Jomon vs. The Smog Monster

Ah, Sesshin... no better way to draw out some of the less functional life patterns and bring them into clear, stinky, funky, wincing view. What is this koan stuff -- is it like a poultice or something? Incredible. Roshi talks about koans' ability to "drill down" into the mind and find any places of holding. Gah! She is right again!

I found myself dealing with a persistent energy of competitiveness against a Sangha member. Ridiculous? Definitely. But in Sesshin, it became impossible to ignore or avoid.

It is not news to me that I have a strong competitive streak. It has been mostly beneficial -- so I thought. Has made me get good grades, excel in sports, extracurriculars, work, etc. Just like I was supposed to, I guess.

I especially loved the rush of it in dragon boating. A 2+ minute sprint at full force, powerfully stabbing the water in unison with 21 other paddlers, shouting, grunting, with a caller in the front of the boat yelling their head off, and often full boats on either side splashing and vying for the finish with all their might, every ounce of energy. Which is really what is demanded at Sesshin: Completely wholehearted, every-ounce practice. We used to say before a race, "Leave it all on the boat," meaning don't save any energy for later. This race is now.

Dragon Boat Festival 2008 originally uploaded by monkeyleader

Maybe I should be surprised that it took this long for this competitive habit to finally try to express itself in Zen practice. Nevertheless, it was this Sesshin, I became sick with feeling less-than a particularly powerful practitioner. This person really is one whose practice is inspiring. I am still not clear how this happened, but I kept finding myself wanting to wear shades around their polished brightness, feeling comparatively lethargic and dull against their energetic vibrance, and wishing they would turn down the volume a little on their silent still-as-a-stone-Buddha awesomeness.

Perhaps the most hilarious part is that I was housed all week in the dorm called "Sympathetic Joy."

~~~

Work practice, was again, clearing blackberries, a guaranteed metaphor generator for the week's practice. Here it is: I hacked my way into a patch of the thorny vines, cutting and lopping through to the bare earth, clearing away, then I found an old beer bottle which may have been there for decades. It seemed half-full of mud. I started pouring it out, and out came... sludge. Not just any sludge, but sludge with weird black-and-orange beetles and unidentifiable lumps. It seriously was out of a horror movie. And then there was... the smell. It was the funkiest, nastiest, anaerobic cloud of fetid decay that permeated my work area and encroached on two other people's.

In silence, unable to apologize or explain, I was at a loss to figure out what to do about the puddle of stench that was now the neighborhood of stench all around me. I think it was only Day 2, so I did not have the presence of mind to bury it, or any number of options I now see. I just dealt with the feeling of having let out some really disgusting stink into the community.

Welcome to Sludge Lagoon, originally uploaded by George Vnoucek

Which is how it felt to be sitting on my zabuton in a cloud of comparative, dualistic, petty, irritable, misery hour after hour.

I would catch myself in what ended up being officially ruminative thought about this, and return to practice. Then slide back into the same. Then return to practice. I actually began to find refuge in the koan! Even that was much less miserable than the auto-immune disorder my mind kept practicing -- mounting this competitive response against someone in my own Sangha body. Perhaps this was what Nansen's cat felt like.

I suspect though it was the koan practice that triggered some of it. Here I am again and again stepping out into the unmeasurable Mystery. Where there are no metrics, no barometers, no way to tell this l'il self how it's doing. And I have no idea what the hell I am doing. And that is scary. Terrifying. So at least if I am not doing as well, then there "I" am. And falling for it over and over.

I also wonder if being competitive isn't a way to continually escape my own body, and focus on (my projection of) another person's experience.

Whatever. This competitive energy is a dirty fuel. Polluting and stinky. Costly and unsustainable.

Old-time Shell gas pump at the colorful ghost town of Chloride, AZ - chloride025x, originally uploaded by mlhradio

At least at this Sesshin, I was no longer sitting with disappointment and obsessing about when I might have, or not have some huge insight or kensho. I managed at times to stave off the rumination and just sit. Just appreciate sitting. Sit through pleasurable times, sit through painful times, sit when I felt like it, sit when I didn't, and watch it change like weather. Sat a little yaza (late night sitting) for no discernible reason I could detect. Sat "just cuz". And made super-sure not to look at the clock when I did go to bed. This was a much cleaner energy. I felt like a meditating little Prius.

I confessed my issue to the person after Sesshin was over. They of course could feel it, and we'll be chatting about it soon. Brave practitioners.

Delusions are inexhaustible. I vow to end them.