I just returned from the Koan sesshin last night. I think this may actually be a short entry, as I am winding down. Also known as hitting the wall. I have been up late last night, and up early this morning. I unpacked, did laundry, took care of the beloved geriatric dog, chopped some veggies and threw them in the crock pot for soup, cleaned out my e-mail inbox, etc etc. It reminds me of when I worked graveyard shifts, and I'd come home on my "Friday" in the morning and stay up in this rather manic cleaning binge, then drop at night. I've been a total chatterbox to Patrick and also calling people and enjoying all the talking since my week of "silence".

Though it was anything but silent in my head all week.

We got to choose from a handful of koans to work with this week. I eventually settled on the koan of "Who Am I?"

I chose this one because Hogen keeps pointing to all this emptiness and spaciousness within that I just can't seem to see. Also because of the incessant experience of somehow being simultaneously bored and tortured by my own obsession with "What does everyone think of me?"

So I decided to trace this "me" to the root. To challenge this "me" to show her/itself.

Who am I?

I was continually asking "WHO AM I?" in response to my own thoughts and feelings and experiences and decisions and judgments and preferences with "Who IS it that ___?" Fill in the blank. Who IS it that is hungry? Who IS it that is walking? Who IS it that wants jasmine tea not black tea? Who IS it that wants to go back to bed? Who IS it that hopes the teachers see me sitting late at night? Who IS it that just thought that thought? Who IS it that's making up a story about that person over there? And what ended up my favorite abbreviation: "Who cares?" No, seriously! Who DOES care? Who IS it in there that cares?

"I am not my thoughts" seemed to be confirmed by the experience of someone having left the radio in my head on to a Lite Rock of the 60's and 70's station. And that is certainly not "me"! I happened to be sitting behind a fellow named Daniel all week, so my mind decided that putting that Elton John song, "Daniel" on heavy rotation was a great idea. Sheesh!

At some point I did have a sense of the emptiness, the groundlessness of so much of who I think I am. Like a papier-mache construction, I have been pasting scraps of thoughts and ideas and memories into a shape and calling it me, and trying very hard to make it look good. Except even papier mache is more real than thoughts. And other people's thoughts are even more impossible to control than my own! I keep holding up this papier mache "me" and hoping it looks good.

Well, it is starting to rain on that thing.

Click photo for source

Again, I know a lot less than I did when I went on retreat. I know a little more about what I am NOT, though I have a glimmer of what I actually am. I caught a glimpse, and although my mind shut down on that rather fast, but it wasn't scary. That was an important thing to experience, because I want to be motivated by love not fear.

The 60's & 70's DJ also decided that appropriate accompaniment to this experience should be that song "She's Not There." Not the bad parts about how she lied and all. Mostly this part of the song:

How would I know, why should I care
Please don't bother tryin' to find her
She's not there

Well, let me tell you 'bout the way she looked
The way she acted, the color of her hair
Her voice was soft and cool, her eyes were clear and bright
But she's not there

So much of what goes on in my head is utter ridiculousness! No wonder we resist quieting down! This practice really requires you to acknowledge how foolish and ridiculous and small we are. Yet at the same time, large and with no edges; all encompassing, and infinitely attentive. And that may be even harder to acknowledge.

I'll close with this sweet awesome song by Dar Williams. My random DJ in my head did at some point abandon the 60's and 70's to throw this song on, mainly for that line:

When you feel your soul go beyond your skin
When you know that's the way that it's always been
Hey what do you love more than love?

(P.S. Gail Ann Dorsey on bass playing with Dar?!?! What is this, the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival? What a find!)